deep in my heart I’m a warrior

Yeah so, it’s almost a shame how tragically cool I look wearing this water belt BECAUSE I HATE IT.

Actually, no. Strike that. I love it. I really do. It didn’t do any of the things I feared it would, like rub, chafe or bounce.

Having said that, I will now describe to you why I will never wear it running again.

~

I start out okay. La la la. I’m running. I’m running. This is different, but it’s okay.

After about half a mile, I develop a stitch in my side from sucking in my gut to compensate for the belly-accentuating belt strapped around my midsection. I exhale.

Round about .75 I pull the bottle out of the holster in a fashion that I can only hope is Clint Eastwoodian. I stop (STOP!) to put it back in.

At around 1.25 I begin to feel the sweat building up underneath the pack. I am feeling decidedly self-conscious and I imagine people are staring at me and wondering why the fat girl is wearing a fanny pack to go running.

I get to 2.5 and notice an unopened bottle of water I hid in some bushes a few weeks ago. (I have water hidden all over the city, folks.)

I stop the clock, unholster, take a drink, reholster, start the clock. I decide I am ready to call it a day and I turn around to go home.

At exactly three miles (Garmin: “bink!”) a tightness begins to develop in my right thigh that morphs into pain within a quarter-mile. I drain the rest of the water and somehow reholster without stopping.

With an empty bottle, the belt is now as good as weightless, and the awkward gimp that was my stride is restored to something resembling “normal;” I’m suddenly off like a rocket, shaving 47 seconds (FORTY SEVEN!) off my pace between miles four and five.

Bottom line: I feel like this would be a great thing to take with you on a long hike. Maybe even just a day of sightseeing. And as Sweaty Kid so cleverly pointed out, it’s appropriately shaped to accommodate a number of cold beverages other than water (an observation I fully intend to investigate further and chronicle for a future blog post).

I guess that’s what I get for going with the cheaper model? Yet I can’t help but feel NO waist-cinching water belt would feel any more comfortable than this one.

But I still don’t like the idea of the handhelds, either. Maybe a really small one? But then, what’s the point?

To any of this.

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8 thoughts on “deep in my heart I’m a warrior

  1. I have a really nice water belt given to me by a friend and can’t stand to wear it. So, I purchaed a North Face Flight Series hydration pack and never wear that unless I am hiking or mountain biking. If you find a good solution, please let me know. For now, the Monon has fountains, Eagle Creek has fountains so I drink from them. 🙂

  2. But it looks cool! I’ve never understood how one develops the arm flexibility it seems one would require in order to do the ol’ reach around to get it in and out (that’s what he said?). I thought a hand held was going to be a huge pain to carry, but I’m totally a convert now. Doesn’t work for beer though; gets too shaken up. I mean, that’s what I’ve heard… Yeah, not that I’ve tried…

  3. Runners are dorks. Seriously. I’ve debated taking pictures of myself much like the one above, but have held back. Also, I think I need the lulu shorts…good thing one FINALLY fucking opened here. (I hate this city.)

    I’ve actually got scars around my hip/back from the 20 miler I did a month ago without body glide over where my Nathan sits. (That sounds dirty.) I think it helps to get the ones designed for women, but only so much – the damn things move a bit no matter what you do. (In the winter? Much easier.) That said, I still find them less annoying than handhelds which I can deal with for 13 miles tops.

    Also, I heard from a doctor you put a gerbil up your ass.

    • BAHAHA! I was trying to think of some clever retort to this comment and I just can’t do it. Here’s a few attempts though.

      1) re: your Nathan – is that near where your Britney sits?
      2) “I just don’t want to die without a few scars.”
      3) It’s true, I’m a gerbilphiliac.

  4. I haven’t gotten into the running belt thing. I understand why they exist. I think they’re a good idea. But yeah… all the things you explained are what would drive me nuts. I don’t want the weight. I’ve gone this long without it, I don’t train year-round for half marathons- my actual need for one is very small…

    • Yep, nailed it. Clankety. Awkward. Dorky. And I’m dorky enough without adding free radicals like water belts and fanny packs. You probably wouldn’t really need it anyway, what with there being water stations every five feet along the course.

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