13 things I hate about the holidays

Here’s what I’m wasting too much energy hating this holiday season:

  • Diamond commercials. Jewelry is not the gift you give the woman you love, it’s the gift you give the woman you know nothing about.
  • People who dress up their pets. Nobody thinks your dog with reindeer antlers and a green vest is cute. And your dog hates you.
  • Everyone in Florida. You think 40° is cold, we get it. Now shut up.
  • Christmas propaganda. Christmas shopping. Christmas music.
  • Gretchen Carlson. I really do hate her, but my ulterior motive was to reference this Jon Stewart nugget of wisdom: “the season wouldn’t feel the same if people didn’t go out of their way to be offended by nothing.”
  • Bad drivers. Seriously. It snows half an inch and my drive to work takes three hours because you guys are sliding all over the highway. Come on.
  • Whatever new phone it is that everybody wants.
  • Bad romantic comedies. I’m looking at you, Reese Witherspoon
  • Hipsters. Although to be fair, I hate them all year long.
  • Weight loss commercials. Just watch– starting now and continuing sometime until mid-February, every other commercial on television will be for Nutrisystem. And even though the commercials are annoying, I say more power to them. Anyone who believes that processed garbage they call lasagna will taste anything like real food deserves exactly what they get.
  • Sanctimonious advice about how to stay fit during the holidays.
  • Sanctimonious advice about how you should just let loose during the holidays.
  • Disaronno.

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24 thoughts on “13 things I hate about the holidays

  1. Hey. Fuck you I’m in Florida and I was gonna buy you diamonds too (b/c I know nothing about you). Forget it now. Except for the Christmas music, the old stuff, not Mariah Carey, I’m good with everything else. Hipsters are funny though.

    BTW, there are almost no native Floridians, so all have frigid weather experience or are from some tropical land in the Caribbean.

    So there’s something to rip apart, I’m sure. There’s no way you will just let this rant go. You are not capable.

  2. Additions:
    -People who say “I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE!!”
    -People who take Christmas pictures and send them to…anybody.
    -More assholes than usual out and about
    -Can’t get to the fucking post office
    -More and more people whining about being single and alone. STFU. NOBODY LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU WHINE TOO MUCH.

  3. My favorite is when all the Jenny Craig/Weight Watchers commericals are followed by the newest calorie-ridden holiday drink from dunkin’ donuts.

    Because coffee doesn’t have THAT many calories. Right?

    The obliviousness kills me. I mean, I’ll probably still overeat over the holidays. Let’s be honest. But at least (one) I know what I’m doing. And (two) am not in denial about it.

  4. But do you know what I love? The end of year, mimeographed, “OMG OUR LIFE IS AWESOME” letter. I honest-to-God really look forward to these. We read them aloud in funny voices.

  5. Hahahaha this is my favorite. My mom asked me to write a letter to include in a christmas card updating everyone on our lives. I flat out refused and told her never to make such an awful suggestion again. Seriously though, I hear you on the bad drivers.

  6. One year I got a “I am so fabulous and my kids are all in Mensa and I home school them and we just got transferred to a tropical island where all of our expenses are paid and my husband just bought me a twenty carat diamond that he hid in my new Mercedes…etc….” letter……………….. EXCEPT IT WAS A F*ING CROSSWORD PUZZLE! Like its not painful enough to just get that letter in the mail but then you gotta fill it out….jeez.

    First time poster, won’t be the last.

    • HAAAA! I’m loling all over my desk. We actually got this really bizarre anonymous Christmas letter about five years ago that we still think must have been a prank. (yet none of our friends have admitted to sending it). I will have to dig that thing out and post it.

      Thanks for stoppin’ by!

  7. I would add: People who complain about malls and shopping and spending money — YET THEY OVERSHOP YEAR AFTER YEAR ANYWAY. The commercialism and materialism is sickening.

    • IF YOU DON’T BUY YOUR FAMILY’S LOVE, THEY’LL KNOW WHAT A FAKER YOU ARE!

      Ha.

      But you’re right. And I know it’s real easy for a privileged, over-educated suburban white kid like me to say this, but I’d rather just have my family WITH me during the holidays than get a gift from them in the mail.

      Thanks for reading =)

  8. This is awesome and I totally agree with these! I am so sick of diamond commercials. It’s annoying. I DO want a diamond but not in the cheesy way the commercials portray!

    And I hate everyone in Florida and California. Bite me. Try living in Oregon where it RAINS for 9 months and then complain about the weather in Florida. 😛

  9. Excellent LOLworthy post. I love getting in touch with my inner anti-holiday grinch now and then.

    I’ve always been a much bigger fan of new year’s than of christmas, but the bad thing about new years is that everyone is going to be blathering on about their damn new year’s resolutions, which pisses me off to no end.

  10. I just stumbled upon your blog, and this is the first post I read. I feel I will be a frequent visitor because I completely agree with every.single.thing.you.said! Hilarious.

  11. Pingback: April recap/this time last year/catching up/my favorite posts/I am married/oh by the way did you know I ran a marathon once?* « Cheaper Than Therapy

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