Here’s what I’m wasting too much energy hating this holiday season:
- Diamond commercials. Jewelry is not the gift you give the woman you love, it’s the gift you give the woman you know nothing about.
- People who dress up their pets. Nobody thinks your dog with reindeer antlers and a green vest is cute. And your dog hates you.
- Everyone in Florida. You think 40° is cold, we get it. Now shut up.
- Christmas propaganda. Christmas shopping. Christmas music.
- Gretchen Carlson. I really do hate her, but my ulterior motive was to reference this Jon Stewart nugget of wisdom: “the season wouldn’t feel the same if people didn’t go out of their way to be offended by nothing.”
- Bad drivers. Seriously. It snows half an inch and my drive to work takes three hours because you guys are sliding all over the highway. Come on.
- Whatever new phone it is that everybody wants.
- Bad romantic comedies. I’m looking at you, Reese Witherspoon
- Hipsters. Although to be fair, I hate them all year long.
- Weight loss commercials. Just watch– starting now and continuing sometime until mid-February, every other commercial on television will be for Nutrisystem. And even though the commercials are annoying, I say more power to them. Anyone who believes that processed garbage they call lasagna will taste anything like real food deserves exactly what they get.
- Sanctimonious advice about how to stay fit during the holidays.
- Sanctimonious advice about how you should just let loose during the holidays.