how I stopped breathing air (and lost 5 lbs!)

Okay so, a lot of people have been emailing me and asking me about this subject so I thought it was finally time to address it. This is a topic that I am very sensitive about so I hope all of you can try to be respectful and understanding.

I stopped breathing air.

I haven’t breathed air in quite some time, and I have to say I absolutely love the way I feel after making this commitment.

I just felt like for me personally, air was just really bad. Plus I’ve been doing a lot of research on the Internet about all the smog and pollution and all the chemicals and junk in the atmosphere, and I just couldn’t keeping breathing it in with a clear conscience.

For a while, I thought I’d be okay if I only breathed in oxygen produced by certified organic, hormone-free trees that grow in forest preserves, but in the end it still just felt wrong.


Trees and plant life don’t exist for me to selfishly breathe in the oxygen they produce; they are there for the woody woodpeckers and the squirrelly squirrels and the bumbly bumble bees!

I know a lot of you still breathe air and I’m totally not judging; I know some of you feel like you have to breathe to live, and that is perfectly fine. It’s a decision each of us has to make on our own without any pressure or criticism from anyone else.

Bottom line is, you have to listen to what your body wants, and my body was telling me it was sick of breathing in crusty, icky, polluted air all the time.

Plus (but this is totally NOT the reason that I did it), I ended up losing another five pounds after I quit breathing air. It turns out there are a TON of empty calories in air; and I prefer to eat my calories, thank you very much!

You might be wondering how I’m still standing after not breathing air for so long, but it’s actually a really simple formula I came up with after reading GOOP and the first three chapters of French Women Don’t Get Fat. I pretty much just eat a lot of kale and apple ginger smoothies! Before I work out I eat a big bowl of oatmeal topped with organic raw almond butter and dried apricots.

And you know what? I don’t even miss oxygen! 😀

I think some of the people who I used to breathe air with feel uncomfortable around me now. Like, I’ll be at a party and a bunch of people will all be breathing while I’m over by the food table, awkwardly trying to cram kale through my tightly clenched lips.

So, being air-free has been a little lonely for me at times. 😦

Also, there are some people who refuse to associate with me now that I’m not breathing anymore. It was really hard for me at first. When they stopped returning my calls, I cried until I was blue in the face! But I’ve come to realize that these people were never my friends to begin with — they only liked me when I was breathing and I was only breathing because I wanted to be liked.

That’s just not who I am. 😉

I don’t want you guys to think this is going to turn into some big ol’ preachy anti-air blog. I’m still the same person I always was! I’m just much more honest, healthier and non-breathy! I’ll still write about all the same things on this blog, I’ll just be doing it without oxygen.

And if I lose some readers because of my decision, so be it. 😦

Thank you for understanding how important the decision to quit breathing was for me. I value your thoughts and opinions so much, and I am so grateful that a portion of my income is derived from your readership.

Do you breathe air? What factors played into your decision to be a breather/non-breather?


49 thoughts on “how I stopped breathing air (and lost 5 lbs!)

  1. Did you join some improv group you’re trying to impress or something? You know, you still need oxygen to keep the fire for your crack pipe lit. LOL Anyway, very random and creative, but I expect nothing less anymore. BTW. I have 5 of 78-ish beers so far. You haven’t quit drinking beer too have you?

  2. You are such an inspiration for all of us! Actually, I’m done with air, too. Hell, if you’re doing it it’s GOT to be the right thing to do. However, I would like further instructions on how to cram the gingery kale monster into my closed-lipped mouth. Please post a video or at least step by step instructions.


  4. I love it! I think you need to do a whole series on how you quit breathing air (well, one new post on the subject every two months or so, because the story ALWAYS needs retelling) and how it helps you do EVERYTHING better, how much money you save from not breathing air, and how running without air is much better for you.

    I’m now off to practice not breathing.

  5. Thank you for being brave and putting this out there- for years i’ve been an air binger. It’s getting hard to find new hiding places for my oxygen tanks. I hope to be like you someday.

  6. Congratulations!!! And THANK YOU for this informative post. This decision (and the post) took SO much courage. You should NEVER feel bad about the decisions you need to make for your own body and peace of mind. You have inspired me to go read Skinny Bitch’s chapter on all the horrifying practices against trees on air production tree farms; it’s time for me to stop being ignorant and GET INFORMED! xoxo 🙂

  7. This post really makes me see the error of my ways. I just about cried reading it because I’ve really been using air in all the wrong ways and I’ve got to just stop. I’m quitting cold turkey thanks to you. Never again. You are my hero.

  8. I could barely breathe because I was laughing so hard. Now I know what you go through on a daily basis. You’re so strong…

    I think it was you that tweeted about doing their top 10 bowls of oatmeal? PLEASE actually consider doing this… I think it would be hilarious beyond belief…

  9. Thank you so much for posting this. I’ve never breathed air because air breathing has just wreaked havoc in my family. I just don’t see the point of breathing air. I can have plenty of fun (maybe more fun!) without air. You are so brave in making this decision. The friends who never called you were never your real friends. Obviously, you can see from the comments who your REAL friends are.

  10. I’m still breathing air but NO JUDGEMENT here. I have LOTS of friends that have gone hardcore airless and we still totally get along. You have to do what is best for YOUR lungs. I just love air toooo much to ever give it up but I might start doing Airless Thursdays to help the environment. Just trying to do my part.

  11. Ok, this post is a breath of fresh air! I was laughing big time by the time I got to the uncomfortableness of others as you “awkwardly try to cram kale through tightly clenched lips.” Very clever, my dear! And you kind of have a sexy face going in photo #3. Not breathing air never looked so good!

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  13. An auto-generated possibly related post is “try walking in my bunions”. I bet it’s just a matter of days before being air-free rids you of that particular curse.

  14. THIS POST MAKES ME LOVE LIFE. I especially love the questions at the bottom. spot on.
    By the way, I have had problems with breathing my whole life – I just can’t seem to quit air and have tried so many different ways to stop. Your commitment to stop breathing air has really inspired me.

    • I’m so glad you asked: cayenne pepper is a great air substitute. Try to inhale as much as you can, 5 or 6 times a day for a week. If you feel dizzy or lightheaded, that means it’s working. Good luck!

  15. megan from braise the roof and amy from second city randomness told me i needed to check out your blog and especially this most. this is one of the most effing hilarious things i’ve read it. i love it, and i already creepily love you.

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  19. My son showed me this-hes 25. He actually believed it. I have failed. My offspring is a retard. You however are very funny. This should be a test parents give their children to see it they are mongoloids. I have one-a real one. He’s totally pissed Im making fun of him. Thank you!

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