beating deaf, blind, retarded, dead horses

I think it’s funny how a bunch of people doing this questionnaire thingy have to first qualify it by saying, “Tee hee, I never EVER do these things!” so that you’ll understand their blog content is typically much more profound.

Well, mine isn’t. I’m all over this. What better opportunity to talk about myself and brag about the things I think make me seem cool? Yes, please! (OWNING IT.)

So here goes.

Age: 31.

Bed size: Queen = not big enough for us + two cats. In my college dorm (after ousting my roommate), I converted two California kings into one giant bed with the help of a mattress pad and some rope. My bed took up half the room. I still dream of having one giant, room-sized bed. One day, my friends. One day.

Chore you hate: What chore DON’T I hate? I have to be drinking just to clean my house. I like it clean; I just hate the part where I’m the one cleaning it.

Dogs: I love dogs but I’m not ready for the commitment. Also I only like big dogs. A friend of a friend had this horrible yappy little chihuahua that would poo all over the carpet and bark at anything that moved. What is the point of that, anyway? If I want some small, ugly animal I can hold in my lap, I’ll get a nutria rat. At least they don’t make noise.

Essential start to your day: Your mom comes over and makes me breakfast in bed.

Favorite color: Green.

Gold or Silver: Turquoise.

Height: 5’4”. I was supposed to be tall; as a baby I was off the charts, but I started drinking and smoking in the 1st grade and hit a plateau, resulting in awkwardly short, stumpy legs and a freakishly long torso.

Instruments you play: I played the piano and violin as a kid but I hated practicing. Now I just listen. And judge.

Job title: Communications director. I do marketing stuff and web stuff and I write stuff.

Kids: Some day. And they will cyber-bully YOUR kids.

Live: New Mexico transplant killing time in Indiana.

Mom’s name: Sally. As in Mustang.

Nicknames: [insert laundry list of disparaging terms here]

Overnight hospital stays: No, but I did undergo anesthesia once. I’m told I was cracking jokes with the nurses right until I dropped out. Good times.

Pet Peeve: I could dedicate an entire blog to pet peeves. People who are in a good mood when I’m in a bad mood. People who go to coffee shops to use the WIFI and don’t buy anything. People who ask me questions about what I’m eating while I’m eating. People who back into parking spaces. People who chew gum loud. Lingerers. Close-talkers. Whistlers.

Quote from a movie: “Today’s my cat’s birthday.”

Right- or left-handed: Left. Which means I’m smarter than you.

Siblings: None. SPOILED BRAT ALERT.

Time you wake up: 6:30ish

Underwear: Not a fan.

Vegetables you dislike: The texture of okra is kind of weird.

What makes you run late: Vodka.

X-Rays you’ve had: February 2009, ankle.

Yummy food you make: A lot of stuff with green chile.

Zoo favorite animal: I like to watch the fat kids eating cotton candy.

[image source]

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20 thoughts on “beating deaf, blind, retarded, dead horses

  1. Oh, the giant dorm bed. For two years in college I had a “super single” where I got an entire double room to myself and I used two mattress pads to create THE BEST BED EVER. I never got sheets for it though, so I had like…a fitted king sheet and a bunch of small ones on top. I can only dream to have that bed again.

    • I am going to teach them that once their remove the knife they carry in their boot from its sheath, it cannot be returned until it has spilt blooood.

  2. Height: 5’4”. I was supposed to be tall; as a baby I was off the charts, but I started drinking and smoking in the 1st grade and hit a plateau, resulting in awkwardly short, stumpy legs and a freakishly long torso.

    This sounds eerily familiar. Yes, I’m 6’0 with a 28″ inseam.

  3. “I still dream of having one giant, room-sized bed.”

    This sounds like my dream in life! I have that now, but only because my bedroom is so tiny all that fits is my bed. But it cannot be considered giant by any means.

  4. Only children FTW.

    Single best thing about being a lesbian (besides having porno sex every time we bang because it’s hot girl on girl action) is that in a queen size bed we have plenty of room for both us and three cats. And I sleep in a diagonal across the bed.

    Or you could just find a 5’2″ man, I supposed. That’s a whole different kind of porno sex.

  5. When you figure out mega-bed let me know. Also, I like filling those things out, and I own up to it. Clearly we all like talking about ourselves; wouldn’t be here if we didn’t.

    As far as the pet peeves, I’m with you 150%. Esp. the “when people are happy when I’m miserable” one….nothing more annoying. We should team up and start a side blog.

  6. well at least you could have written “tee hee, I will be THE FIRST BLOGGER TO DO THIS STUPID THING WHO MAKES IT INTERESTING.”

    I mean it. I only got bored by the letter J, so well done.

  7. Pingback: on being funny « Cheaper Than Therapy

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