more horrible for you (bikini season edition)

Yesterday, I got stuck in a two-hour meeting (of which only about 15 minutes was worthwhile), and missed yoga.

[queue: melodramatic horrified scream]

I mean, I could have hauled ass over there and sneaked in a few minutes late, but it’s really difficult for me to find my happy place when I’m feeling rushed.

So I went running (I KNOW I KNOW, I’M A RUNNER AND I SKIPPED YOGA TO GO RUNNING!), and actually had another of those dreamy runs that I always complain are too far and few between. Maybe karma works both ways? (Nahhh…)

I had a bit of a head wind on the way out, so the subsequent tail wind on the way back made me feel like I was flying.

I thought maybe this was a PR, but when I consulted Garmin.com (which was also having a good day yesterday, for once), I found my four-mile PR is 37:22, which sort of bummed me out because I felt like I was working really hard.

It’s my belief that the time in which I deserve to have finished was more in the 37:00 range.

Today, I was all set to do a parody post on the next big diet craze to sweep the country – the tape worm diet, because really, what could be more absurd? – but I learned this diet actually exists.

Ruh-roh!

Really?

Read the FAQ. It’ll blow your mind.

But this is more fun anyway:

What are some other absurd diets that actually exist?

  • The crystal meth and whoring around diet. As seen on Intervention.
  • Ebola diet. Your bodily organs rot and then liquify. You die; but you’ll have a slammin’ bod during the incubation period. As seen in Africa.
  • The Law of Attraction diet. Simply recognize how much you really, truly deserve to be skinny and the pounds just fly off.
  • The vodka diet. When you’re too drunk to find your face, you can’t put food in it. As seen on Lindsay Lohan.
  • The Rosemary’s Baby diet. It may seem counter-intuitive that getting pregnant could yield any respectable amount of weight loss, but when you’re carrying the spawn of Satan, all bets are off.

Mia Farrow is ready for bikini season.

[image source]

This post is dedicated to Running Shorts, who continues to inspire me with horrible ideas.

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27 thoughts on “more horrible for you (bikini season edition)

  1. I’ve yet to slip into a bikini this year, and since I just found out the pool I frequented last year won’t be opening until mid-May, I’ve still got some time to mentally prepare.

    I’ve also been wearing the same bikini since 2004. Perhaps it’s time for an upgrade? Maybe I’ll spend the month of April snorting a whole bunch of cocaine, ingest a beef tapeworm for May, buy new swimming digs and unveil my enviably-slim self just in time for my Bahamas cruise in June.

    Thanks for inspiring my healthy new lifestyle!

    • Lame: I like looking at the reports and sorting and filtering. It’s fun when it’s working but the site is down for maintenance like, every five minutes.

  2. Hahaha! Back when I was 250 and frustrated, unsure of how to start, I begged my doctor for diet pills. She refused. I made a joke that Meth would be easier to get and I’d lose weight just as fast and she took me seriously and prescribed me the diet pills. Seriously??? I was shocked. Can’t take a joke, Doc?

    I took the pills for less than a week–it was like I was on speed or something, and threw them away. Then got a new doctor. And lost the weight on my own!

  3. In college my best friend and I had what we christened “the cigarette diet”.
    In it when you’re hungry you either smoke or drink coffee (with splenda, no cream). If you had to have calories they should be liquid and get you sloppy drunk.
    Needless to say, I was skinnier and more fun in college. I was also probably a little closer to dying, but, you know, dying a skinny death.

  4. I went to an all-girl high school, so I’ve seen them all. A big one was the “I’m giving up food for Lent so I can get skinny for prom” one. Using the Lord’s suffering as an excuse for eating disorders….how Holy.

    I hope a parody post happens soon anyway! If you can work in pictures of oatmeal I will be super happy.

  5. I thought I had a tapeworm once because I was eating a shit ton of food and losing weight. I didn’t, but I have to admit that the thought was not nearly as revolting as it should have been, at the time. :/

    Nice run, speedy mcfastpants!

  6. I never purposely subscribed to the e coli diet but as a former worker with fresh meats, I occasionally snacked after handling meat (and not washing thoroughly enough) and inadvertently got sick. Well, those several occasions of week long bouts of everything leaving your body, from both ends, we always good for a few lbs off. Problem is, you’re always so hungry when you feel well enough to eat again!

  7. Mia Farrow does look awesome for bikini season! I’m actually intrigued by the Ebola diet. But, question: How long does it take to die? In other words, how many days/weeks/months of bikini wearing will I be able to enjoy if I go this route?

    • You know, hemorrhagic fevers are tricky! It varies from person to person. But if your immune system is in fairly good shape and not already compromised by say, AIDS or malaria, you can generally count on an incubation period of about two weeks.

  8. I’m currently on the vodka diet.

    I’d also suggest the kidney infection diet. I tried it a few weeks ago a it was really effective. You just can’t eat when you’re in that much pain and the shivering from the high fever really burns a lot of calories. So, it really takes care of both eating and exercise.

  9. Pingback: 10 holiday dieting tips that really (probably) work | Cheaper Than Therapy

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