Considering we had snow flurries here yesterday, it seems way, way too early to be thinking about bikinis.
Don’t get me wrong. I do love bikini season. Because I look great in a bikini. I mean, really, really hot.
Like, it should be against the law to look as hot as I do in a bikini. Haven’t you noticed all the photos I always paste all over my blog of me in bikinis??
I, like the rest of you who have any sense at all, would not be caught dead on the Internet in a bikini. I mean, I make fun of models who actually look GOOD in swimwear. Why would I subject myself to that kind of catty criticism?
With that in mind, here are some tips on how you too can look as ridiculous as possible in your swimwear this season.
And folks, this is meant to be humorous. Please don’t email me any sanctimonious drivel about self-esteem or body image. Mkay?
- Be skinny-fat. Meaning, you are technically what Cosmo would refer to as “thin,” even though you have absolutely no muscle tone or definition whatsoever. (For more examples, see the Ambercrombie & Fitch spring catalog.)
- Be too tone. And weathered. Like, so that people could potentially confuse you with Iggy Pop.
- Be too tan. Or better yet, fake-tan. Do this in lieu of exercising.
- Don’t act your age. The Juniors department at Target is just the place for all you just-turned-30s who are making desperate attempts to reclaim your youth. Even if you DO look like a supermodel in your PAAAAANK sequined bikini with ruffles, it’s still just sad.
- Wear a mono-kini. Because who doesn’t want to accentuate le love handles?
- Buy into the Angel racket. Buy a $180 swimsuit that’ll never look as good on you as it does on Gisele; unless you happen to be 5’11” and have gigantic fake breasts.
Anything I missed?