in like a lion…out like a ridiculous hot mess in a string bikini

Considering we had snow flurries here yesterday, it seems way, way too early to be thinking about bikinis.

Don’t get me wrong. I do love bikini season. Because I look great in a bikini. I mean, really, really hot.

Like, it should be against the law to look as hot as I do in a bikini. Haven’t you noticed all the photos I always paste all over my blog of me in bikinis??

Okay, no.

I, like the rest of you who have any sense at all, would not be caught dead on the Internet in a bikini. I mean, I make fun of models who actually look GOOD in swimwear. Why would I subject myself to that kind of catty criticism?

With that in mind, here are some tips on how you too can look as ridiculous as possible in your swimwear this season.

And folks, this is meant to be humorous. Please don’t email me any sanctimonious drivel about self-esteem or body image. Mkay?

  • Be skinny-fat. Meaning, you are technically what Cosmo would refer to as “thin,” even though you have absolutely no muscle tone or definition whatsoever. (For more examples, see the Ambercrombie & Fitch spring catalog.)

  • Be too tone. And weathered. Like, so that people could potentially confuse you with Iggy Pop.

  • Be too tan. Or better yet, fake-tan. Do this in lieu of exercising.

  • Don’t act your age. The Juniors department at Target is just the place for all you just-turned-30s who are making desperate attempts to reclaim your youth. Even if you DO look like a supermodel in your PAAAAANK sequined bikini with ruffles, it’s still just sad.

  • Wear a mono-kini. Because who doesn’t want to accentuate le love handles?

  • Buy into the Angel racket. Buy a $180 swimsuit that’ll never look as good on you as it does on Gisele; unless you happen to be 5’11” and have gigantic fake breasts.

Anything I missed?

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15 thoughts on “in like a lion…out like a ridiculous hot mess in a string bikini

  1. I truly do NOT understand the “mono-kini.” Why would anyone possibly want to scream LOOK AT MY LOVE HANDLES!!!! Even if you don’t have love handles I think they magically appear with application of the mono-kini.

    I hate traditional one-piece bathing suits just as much. Rather than displaying the love handles, the one-piece yells LOOK AT MY GIGANTIC UPPER THIGHS!!!! At least with a regular bikini the display of skin is proportional and onlookers can gawk at all imperfections equally, rather than being forced to concentrate on one particular area of disgust.

    Good thing I’m super hot, perfectly thin and precisely toned. I can wear ANY bathing suit and look like I stepped out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog so none of this applies to me whatsoever.

  2. I’m going with a summer mumu this year. After trying on a bikini a few weeks ago and realizing I let this slip a bit and now that I’m on the bench waiting to run again, I’m just giving up and getting a mumu. I also threatened this when I got married 5 years ago and the dress wasn’t fitting as nicely as it did the day I bought it. 😉

  3. zomg I want to cuddle with that snugglywuggly lion! He looks so content. And after I do that I want to take the lamb to an optometrist.

    Bathing suit season… NO.

  4. waiiit, is that your cute little face? you’re a stud!

    I linked to your Thpeedy Thursday post today, because, well, I basically say that in my head all day every thursday now. I just love it. obsessed.

  5. There’s something oddly liberating about watching mildly obese women shake it like it’s hot, and by it I mean them, and by them I mean their double-chinned buttocks, on the beach. Meanwhile, I’m wearing my lacrosse shorts, and simmering in self-loathing. Someone divvied up self-confidence very inequitably.

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