Dear MillerCoors: please stop trying to be craft beer

So I was in the booze aisle this week and came across this little gem:

The “Home Draft.”

It’s like the beer version of Designer Imposter’s body spray.

It looks like a growler with a spout in it, which is apparently supposed to simulate what it’s like to drink fresh, small-batch beer. (I say “simulate” because everybody knows this beer is neither fresh, nor brewed in small batches.)

I’m really sick of macro-brews trying to be micro, and I thought I could offer some guidance for alternatives…

Dear MillerCoors,

You are a widely enjoyed light, and ultimately flavorless beer– but it’s okay! Turns out a lot of people are into that.

Without resorting to gimmicks or attempting to emulate craft beer, you have some qualities many people still find admirable:

  • People can drink 16 of you and not die.
  • Twist-off cap is a real time-saver.
  • Nobody wants to waste good beer playing Flip Cup.
  • You keep people from becoming too dehydrated.
  • You always tastes exactly the same; no surprises!
  • Low calorie/guilt free = all of the binge, none of the purge.
  • Subtle nuances are overrated.
  • Frequent urination is good for the kidneys.
  • Who really knows what a “hop” is, anyway?
  • All those empty beer cans can be made into some pretty amazing structures like skyscrapers and pyramids.
  • The 15 minute keg stand. Done.
  • It’s almost impossible to dissolve a roofie in an oatmeal stout.

So you see? Scores of fraternal organizations, sporting event attendees and social drinkers will likely continue to drink you no matter what you do. But you’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re craft. So stop trying.

Sincerely,

Marie

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19 thoughts on “Dear MillerCoors: please stop trying to be craft beer

  1. Nice job summing it up! I have a confession: I drank a Bud Light the other day-2 in fact. And a Miller Lt the week before. I hadn’t drank a light crap beer in…??? I’m not even sure why I did it. We weren’t playing beer pong, we weren’t at a NASCAR cookout. But I am back to my crafty self and drank an organic (and actually delicious) beer from Maine yesterday. I am back, beer gods, I am back. And I can’t promise that I won’t run away again, but I will always come back.

  2. I snorted at that photo. THE HORROR!!!!!! I live in the Pacific NW, home of snobby REAL beers and you can imagine the horror and shame if I ever served Bud Light to dinner guests. Strictly Oregon Brewed Microbrews.

  3. So I wondering what the hell was up with you. No beer drinking? No beer blogging? Come on!

    At least you came back with a sarcastic entry. I’d expect nothing less. You did leave out the very important part about the mountains turning blue when your Coors Lite is the right temperature, though.

    Oh, and how do you feel when the macros buy out a legit craft brewery, like Budweiser just did to Goose Island. They are try to make it, b/c that didn’t work. They bought a brand that is great. Anyway, no matter how you feel, I hope Bud doesn’t Fuck that up b/c they probably will.

    Later.

    • I’m hoping as long as their brewing practices stay the same and Bud keeps their nose out of the day-to-day, it could be okay. Guess we’ll just have to try Sophia in another year or so and see for ourselves.

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  5. Those things are faux party pigs (http://www.partypig.com/Home.aspx), which are used mostly by home brewers. One of the breweries in my hometown fills pigs, and it’s a beautiful thing-it’s pressurized so unlike a growler you’re not stuck trashed on a Tuesday because you had to finish the jug before it goes flat (not that I’ve done that or anything…)
    If someone would sell pigs of microbrews near me, my husband would never be sober again. The coors light feels like it’s just taunting us.

  6. Have you seen Beer Wars? It’s a documentary about Big Bad Beer Companies and their dirty tricks to keep the microbrews off the shelves. It’s sickening.

    We once found a growler of Bell’s at WF when we lived in VA. Life was good. Really good.

    • No, I’ll have to check that out! Doesn’t surprise me. They know they can’t win on taste alone so they have to use trickery.

      Ah, Bells. A Two Hearted sounds damn good right about now.

      • Oh! It’s on Netflix streaming, lest you have to put any effort into watching a movie that justifies drinking massive amounts of craft beer as “social justice.”

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