So I was in the booze aisle this week and came across this little gem:
The “Home Draft.”
It’s like the beer version of Designer Imposter’s body spray.
It looks like a growler with a spout in it, which is apparently supposed to simulate what it’s like to drink fresh, small-batch beer. (I say “simulate” because everybody knows this beer is neither fresh, nor brewed in small batches.)
I’m really sick of macro-brews trying to be micro, and I thought I could offer some guidance for alternatives…
You are a widely enjoyed light, and ultimately flavorless beer– but it’s okay! Turns out a lot of people are into that.
Without resorting to gimmicks or attempting to emulate craft beer, you have some qualities many people still find admirable:
- People can drink 16 of you and not die.
- Twist-off cap is a real time-saver.
- Nobody wants to waste good beer playing Flip Cup.
- You keep people from becoming too dehydrated.
- You always tastes exactly the same; no surprises!
- Low calorie/guilt free = all of the binge, none of the purge.
- Subtle nuances are overrated.
- Frequent urination is good for the kidneys.
- Who really knows what a “hop” is, anyway?
- All those empty beer cans can be made into some pretty amazing structures like skyscrapers and pyramids.
- The 15 minute keg stand. Done.
- It’s almost impossible to dissolve a roofie in an oatmeal stout.
So you see? Scores of fraternal organizations, sporting event attendees and social drinkers will likely continue to drink you no matter what you do. But you’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re craft. So stop trying.