dead rabbits and wagons

Yeah so. You may have noticed that I haven’t been blogging about TEH BOOZE lately…

Clearly, I’m knocked up.

Shocked?

Come on. You can’t write about beer every single day for three years and then just stop without arousing at least a little suspicion.

And if you’re still wondering if this is a joke:

That was also the last time I wore skinny jeans. Forever.

I’ve been dodging questions because I didn’t want to drop the bomb until we knew something was actually in there (and were reasonably sure it was going to stick around for a while). The last thing I wanted to do was write a blog post called “I’m pregnant!” followed by a blog post called “Uhhhh…just kidding.”

And really? Neither my husband nor I felt any uncontrollable urge to go shouting it from the rooftops.

Don’t get me wrong: we’re very excited and proud and pretty much walking around like our shit doesn’t stink, but as far as proclaiming my pregnantness to the whole internet? Feh, as AR would say. (And if you’re asking why now?, I just finally ran out of stuff to write about.)

But it’s real: there is an actual human(ish) baby growing inside of me. (Everyone knows it’s not a REAL baby until the third trimester.)

Okay, so, some details:

1. It didn’t take long. We started trying (PICTURE IT) in March, and guess what: March’s egg came sliding down the tube (probably the left one, knowing me), and that was the lucky egg. Boom. One and done.

Now, I’m not one to tie all my self-worth into my ability to bear children, but if I were, I think this would seal my fate as the baddest ass chick on the planet. Neener neener.

2. I’m still a runner…ish. For a while there (weeks 9-10, roughly), I was in a daze. I was tired all the time, but I couldn’t sleep. I was queasy. I cried. I cursed a lot. I skipped the half marathon. Skipped TFN4. Felt very sorry for myself. (Even sorrier for my husband.)

But I’m better now (nearing the end of week 12) and I’m running three days a week. Slowly. But running.

I know that eventually I will be too heavy, and my fetus-baby and gigantic boobs will be bouncing around too much to run, but for now, I am disco in two sports bras and Size XL compression socks.

3. I have been extremely lucky to have had very little sickness. I felt pretty icknast for a while, but compared to some of the horror stories I’ve heard, it’s been tame. I’ve always had an iron stomach, and remember how earlier we talked about my badassery? So there’s that.

4. So, what does this mean for Cheaper Than Therapy?

Does it really matter?

I quit the boozin’ in early March, my only solace being the bottle of wine I was going to KILL as soon as the bitch came calling.

Of course, that never happened.

I think I’m funny without the booze (although some would argue I wasn’t funny to begin with), but as a contingency, my husband has graciously offered to drink beer for me and then make shitty commentary about it (I know, he is such a trooper), so there may be a little bit of that to mix things up every now and then.

Actually, what am I worried about? I’m probably more tolerable when you’re drinking.

One more thing: there will be no bare belly photos (sorry, pregnancy fetishists). No cutesy mommy talk. No talk about how I feel a magical sparkly blessing inside of me. And definitely no talk about how my weight gain is fascinating.

It’s…not.

Okay, have at it.

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58 thoughts on “dead rabbits and wagons

  1. Oh Shit! There goes the neighborhood. I will make sure your neighbors have Social Services on their speed dial. πŸ˜‰

    Since you woun’t be doing anything with it, would be too much for me to ask for you to mail me your placenta?

    Sorry. No boring “Congratulations” comments here. Suck it up and pop that thing out and get back to the beer.

  2. As long as you don’t turn into one of those creepers who thinks the world revolves around their little “miracle” and your facebook page turns into an ultrasound gallery/diaper review board/constant updates about how you’re so “blessed,” then…uh…congrats.

    Next time I drink I’ll take a shot for you. And maybe a second for the alien life form growing in your uterus.

  3. didn’t notice the lack of beer reviews. i usually skip those. but congrats!

    i can’t wait to read your open letters to your in vitro son or daughter. (actually, these aren’t always horrible. i’ve read some really great essays by pregnant women. but i think it’s just because she’s a really talented writer and her situation was really interesting.)

  4. I know I asked at least 5 times what was wrong with you, quitting the booze and all. And now I know! LOL.

    Seriously, pregnancy never crossed my mind. Must be the charming and super sweet bombs you are dropping every day. I had my money on either 1. your husband got tired of your drinking and gave you a lecture on how it was bad for your health, etc. 2. you were getting fat from drinking and had some kind of self-control epiphany to get back to normal or 3. you just got tired of beer. Haha, just kidding on #3

    When the human is born, I’ll send you a bottle of Dogfish Head. Sound good? Congratulations, for real!

  5. I had to read this three times to figure out whether it was for realsies or not. Thank you for the no barebelly pictures, and if I could add a request…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….for the love of god don’t put up multi-dimensional ultrasounds. 2D ones are bad enough, but those other things are just fucking creepy.

    And don’t worry about the booze. That kid’s gonna pop outta your ripped open vag-hole with a beer in hand and hand it to you.

    Good night and good luck!

  6. Oh ma GAHHHHHH.

    Can you keep us updated with week-by-week baby size comparisons? “Your baby is now the size of a double shot glass!”

    And in all seriousness, this is exciting. Congratulations!

  7. My doc told me once that we worry too much – Irish women drink their guinness every day while pregnant (producing so many docile, well-employed humans, of course), so you can have the advice that I’ll never use and keep on beering.

  8. no bare belly photos? well what the heck is the point of being pregnant? can you at least remind us everyday that it’s ok to eat 4 pizzas because you’re eating for two now?

  9. wow, better you than me.

    my cousin just posted to the FB about having her first taste of beer after 9 months being UH-MAZE-ING (believe it or not she married into the family, willingly, and therefore the love of beer is not genetic)…I guess eyes on the prize.

    oh the prize is the baby, right? see, much better you than me.

    but the second you post a belly picture (which I have quite enough of on FB, we turned 30 this year and every girl I went to HS with got knocked up, like on purpose), I’m buying out my local WF of Pliny, dranking that, and making a vlog and dedicating it to you.

    ok, congratulations you crazy kids.

  10. Hmm…I’m supposed to be taking a break from the booze, but might have to up my efforts to balance everything out.

    As long as we don’t have to look at daily updates on what’s going on in your uterus and how beautiful spawning is, I guess I’ll stick around.

    I think I can handle this. Congrats!

  11. You win the prize for shocking me the most with a pregnancy announcement. I thought you didn’t even like kids. But seriously congrats about the big boobs and mac and cheese eating, er, I mean baby!

  12. Best preggo blog post EVER. So glad another smarmy, wretched bitch is bringing another awesome kid into the world. Our kids will lead the zombie apocalypse!!!

    But for realz, congrats girl. When you need to vent about preggoness, just drop me a line.

  13. I can’t wait to hear all about your pregnancy journey…. how womanly you feel! Nesting (lots of nursery pix!) Hubz with his hands on your belly!!

  14. This isn’t…contagious…is it? Cause I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, and I just don’t want to catch it. But seriously, congrats on shooting such viable eggs and being so good at the sex. I have a feeling that your kid is going to be a source of many an entertaining blog! Which kind of makes me excited πŸ™‚

  15. I think it’s funny that everyone wondered about the lack of beer posts or running posts but never imagined a pregnancy was the cause! Like, Miss Snarky actually wanting a little, bitty cutie thing like a baby?? Is there a tender heart in there we’ve never seen before?

    I’m just glad you posted your wedding pic a few weeks ago, just to make sure we’re know you’re married! Otherwise, there’d be a problem…

    Congrats!!

  16. CONGRATS!

    And thank you for vowing not to become one of those bloggers that will post the weekly stomach shot and “this is the size of my baby” with a piece of fruit. πŸ™‚ Annoying.

    That being said, if I got pregnant I’d probably be one of those obnoxious people who take weekly photos…but yea…

  17. Holy crap! I am so excited that you are knocked up, too! Finally, another woman who won’t turn into a holier than thou Mother Earth-type just because she had unprotected sex.

    I suspect you are going to encounter lot of the similar things I’ve encountered the last five months, which is that people don’t want you to be funny and snarky about your baby and pregnancy. They want you to be all glowy and happy and talk about the “miracle.” And I can’t wait to read your posts about it!

    Oh, and congrats!

    • Thank you!! It was SO hard to read your blog without spilling the beans, such a refreshing change from the worthless preggo blogs out there. I guess what I mean to say is: you…complete me. =P

  18. First, CONGRATS! That’s awesome news! Second, please promise to not become one of those pregnant assholes. Can’t handle any more of those. Kthanx. PS, I’m really excited for your posts during this. Seriously. This will be “amazeballs topped with awesomesauce”. or whatever the cool bloggers are saying these days….

  19. So all that twitter chatter that I read in reverse order and usually makes no sense isn’t in jest? Now I’m wondering what else was true. Congrats on the little miler.

  20. Pingback: 3 months, 3 miles |

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