on running with an alien baby fetus inside you

Turns out, I am not one of those fragile, dainty girls who only gains 2/3 of a pound in her first trimester and then slips right back into her size 2 skinny jeans the day after she pops out the kid.

I really hate those girls. Bad.

It says in Chapter Eight of the baby book, if you haven’t gained any weight yet, not to worry!

Yeah well. Screw you, Chapter Eight.

I daintily gained 7 pounds. The last time I blinked. The moment I looked at the pregnancy test, the button popped off my jeans and shattered a window.

One thing about being constantly nauseous but never barfing (lucky me, huh?), is that all those terrible things I was eating stayed down. The boxes of macaroni and cheese. The Nutella waffles. The late night peanut butter sandwiches. The noodle bowls.

My god, the noodle bowls.

All of this fatigue, nausea (baby poisoning, Sonia calls it) and weight gain has put an itty bitty bit of a strain on my running.

Look here:

Between 4/25 and 5/11, I didn’t run at all. Really, I didn’t do jack except lay on the couch and eat. I did manage to make it to once-weekly yoga classes, because that was the only activity where no bouncing or jarring movement was involved, and I could be lazy while still assuring myself I was doing something productive.

Finally, I started to feel better, but it was already too late: I was fat. (Chubby: my mom’s polite euphemism.)

The exalted Book says not to let my heart rate exceed 140, but when I asked my doctor about that, he kind of rolled his eyes.

“Do what you’re comfortable with. Obviously, if you start to feel cramping, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, stop.”

Which was somewhat of a relief (have you ever tried to keep your heart rate under 140 and still get a decent workout?! Especially when you’re all fat and wheezy?), but still leaves a gray area in terms of how much is too much.

Basically, the criteria I formerly used to define a pretty good run may now be the signs that I’m killing my baby.

Not that I should be concerned with overdoing it: the most I’ve managed to run at once is 3.2 miles. For the most part, it sucks. I can feel my belly bouncing. My legs feel like tree trunks. I’m huffing and puffing.

I call it erring on the side of half-assing.

At any rate, I AM grateful to be running at all.

Pale, fat and grateful.

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46 thoughts on “on running with an alien baby fetus inside you

  1. Holy crap you make me laugh. Thank you, for, well, I guess this is where I get to sound like a creeper huh? Thank you for sharing you, honestly, and not doing the rainbows and kittens shtick. Please to keep writing, often.

  2. I feel the same when I run. Except I’m not pregnant with a baby. I just have a wine baby belly. Wow….can you imagine if I could birth my own bottles of wine? That would be kind of awesome…

  3. I’ve been able to see photographs of my grandmothers and mothers while they were with child. Those ladies got THICK. You can’t beat genetics, so I pretty much know what’s coming down the pike for me should I ever get on that pike. You keep on doing your thang.

  4. My coworker Jaime seriously gained MAYBE a pound in her butt. The rest is all fetus weight. Wtf? I know I’ll look like a swollen pufferfish if I ever decide to have a child.

    But that’s because I also heart cookies- and will use my pregnancy as an excuse.

    I hear “The Book” sucks balls.

    • Don’t forget boob weight!

      The books I’ve been reading are great, but they’re written for a wide audience. Like, here’s EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO YOU. So it’s better not to take them as gospel, but to just use them as a reference. But then, I don’t even take the gospel as gospel so what do I know?

  5. Yes. Sick of reading people bitching about not gaining weight. Shut up. My sister turned into a friggin’ barn both times she was pregnant. She lost it pretty fast though because she had some sort of problem where she was retaining water weight and had to go on bed rest. Sorry, don’t mean to scare you. Well, that’s a lie. Be scared. Your baby is probably going to kill you.

  6. Haha thank you for this, because all the “my baby is so amazing and I can run half marathons while pregnant, yay I feel fantastic” baby blogs right now make me want to puke. And the ones that are like absurdly pregnant and have gained a pound, that will not be me.

    • I feel absurdly pregnant already! LOLZ. I was totally going to try to run the half (would have been at 10 weeks) but it would have taken me 3 hours to finish. Eff that. I’ll take my three miles jogs thank you!

  7. This is hilarious and awesome. I always feel a shudder of dread when women I like (either in person or via interwebs) get pregnant because of the instant personality change/self-beatification.

    Thankfully some of my real-life mom-friends are changing my perspective on this by remaining awesome (sadly 80% of them still suck). I’m glad to see you add more weight (no pun!) to my “maybe getting pregnant won’t turn me lame?” theories.

    Congrats – I look forward to reading more about the pregnancy (OMG that’s the first time I said that and meant it!)

      • Jesus H you two – I don’t have a freakin’ AMAZEBALLS HUBZ *nor* FURBABIES *nor* am I knocked up[1]. WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO VALIDATE ME NOW??

        [1] nor even having sex, which I understand is necessary for that (and you *know* that I am now picturing you doing it, as requested, yes. So thanks for that).

      • Here’s a thought (and it’s for AR, but comment software won’t play along with this VERY IMPORTANT conversation, no further nested replies allowed).

        So. We have some catching up to do, right? We’re so far behind the eight ball of womankind that we can’t even see the damn thing. The answer just came to me however. If we’re last to the Proper Woman party then you betcha we had BETTER be best dressed:

        Step 1: Hook a guy (that expression makes me want to stab people. All people), and grab a couple of dogs. Start the nesting stuff; buy a house and shit.

        Step 2: Sex THE DOGS – and make AWESOMESAUCE REAL FURBABIES. Blog.every.single.step.of.the.process. Tedious detail and photos please.

        Step 3. Profit

        You game?

      • I had another thought (man I’m chatty tonight huh? Lonely, must be – you know, being a spinster and all).

        Bunions. Bet that’s not where you thought I was going hey? Anyway. I was told I have one today (and, worse, that the little twat is likely the cause of recent knee injuries and even a godamn arthroscopy). Now, a bunion is not sexy – surely this hampers one’s chances of HOOKING HUBZ. But! You give we busted-foot-types hope – right? I mean, there’s a Mr Marie AND he must even have sexed you *in spite of* the deformity … well, unless the alien joke isn’t such a joke?

        So, tell me, I don’t need to agree to the surgery to slice and dice this thing IN THE HOPE OF BEING PRETTY?

      • Haaahahaha I sort of wanna marry you myself! If you don’t land a hubby in a few years we might take you on as a sister wife…

        Anyway I can’t tell if you’re joking or not and I am a bunion MF-ING EXPERT so I’m just going to tell you: my doctor told me if I want to keep running, don’t ever let anyone cut me. My bunions are so so bad I will eventually need surgery some day or else my big toes will start growing over the rest of my toes. (ULTRA SEXXAY) But there’s no reason to do it any earlier than necessary. Healing can be even worse and sometimes you never fully recover.

        Anyway, I got these toe spacers for a few bucks and they actually REALLY help take the pressure off and realign my toe bone. http://www.amazon.com/Profoot-Care-Vita-Gel-Toe-Spacer/dp/B000GCIB4O
        There are some other ones that are too tall and slender and they suck, they don’t do jack. But these have actually stopped all the pain the bunions were giving me. I think they are supposed to slow the progression too maybe.

        Also, have you tried wearing makeup when you run? Specifically mascara? Because it doesn’t make you run any faster but you look better and that’s really all that matters, right?

        Tootles!

      • Will we have to move to Utah when I wed you guys? Because I lived there for a couple of years – and the whole state run liquor store business didn’t really work for me.

        Christ do I wish I were joking about the BUNION (could they not have given these monstrosities a different name at least? Is an uglier word even imaginable), but no – dead serious. I have agreed to the consult with the surgeon, x-rays and opinion only at this stage however. Surgeons like to slice, after all – and I know you’re right about running concerns. The thing is, I could pretty much care less if this thing were just ugmo and/or hurt a bit – but if they’re right, it’s *causing* other injuries (arthroscopy was for meniscus tear; before that SI took me out for months) since it alters gait/body tries to accommodate. FFS, what a mess. And EXPENSIVE?! Crap they charge a zillion to cut you.

        It’s why I was so damn relieved to read that you too know the bunion beasts. Thanks for the caution re surgery, honestly – and the spacer rec. I had read about them; I’ll give them a shot now – because. damn, if they’ve been able to stop the pain for you I WANT. Your plan is literally just that right? Wear the spacers, continue to run etc as normal (well, when alien allows), and then only as and when it reaches that toe-cross stage, re-address it then?

        MOST importantly though, thank you for the reminder about the mascara. Silly me; I must swap my ‘don’t bother me’ scowl for make-up. Got it. I’ve also realised that, *slap forehead*, I have been training in any old shorts and t-shirt. Need pretty skirt. Got it. And for god’s sake never take my shoes off and reveal the un-womanly bunion beast. THERE’S HOPE FOR ME YET, RIGHT?!

      • p.s. Did they not throw ‘look at Paula Radcliffe as testament to the power of bunion surgery!!’ at you? ‘Cause they totally did at me.

        p.p.s Do I take #1 position for over-share in too many over-long comments? Creeper and proud.

  8. I just snorted my coffee out of my nose at the image of your button popping.

    I am not a dainty girl either. And I KNOW I’ll gain an insane amount when pregnant, which I am not looking forward to.

  9. At least you have the excuse of pregnancy to eat “for two” and cut back on the physical activity, I’m just a lardass.

    But yeah fear of weight gain is one major reason I’m not on the getting knocked up train. Similarly I hear you can’t leave babies for whole weekends alone with an extra litter box and an open bag of kibble. So embrace the weight gain, it’s what separates you from a somewhat neglectful cat owner.

  10. Yeah, all these preggo health bloggers who can’t keep food down? Guaranteed that won’t be me. Even through my worst illnesses I’ve managed to persevere through and hoover down food as if it’s my last meal, haint no baby gonna change that. Dainty pregnant women are irritating.

  11. Birth control pills make me vom, so I am dreading how my body will react when I actually am pregnant if that’s what simulated pregnant does to me.

  12. Baby poisoning is the worst!

    I am not joking when I say I put on 20 pounds in the first trimester due to the dreaded baby poisoning. I was so depressed because I wanted to be all Heidi Klum throughout my pregnant (German accent included).

    I don’t know what pregnancy book you are reading, but if it’s What To Expect, that book is hardcore and usually made me feel like I was a fuckin’ freak! The weekly Baby Center emails, in general, are helpful, but sometimes they made me feel even worse. “You may have noticed you’ve put on a pound or two.” A pound or two?!? Fuck you, Baby Center!

    Now, I just accept that I’m going to get big. I’m going to get chunky arms. I just do the best I can to take care of me and the spawn, and I’ll work on getting my body back the second I pop this thing out.

  13. [blockquote]For the most part, it sucks. I can feel my belly bouncing. My legs feel like tree trunks. I’m huffing and puffing.[/blockquote]

    That’s exactly how I felt when I started running.

  14. I thought the best part of pregnancy was eating (at least if you can keep it down). My mom says she never got too sick while pregnant and didn’t have cravings. I hope my genetics kick in for the former. I’ll fake the latter just for the excuse to eat weird stuff.

  15. Dude! Yay! This post is so hilarious. I have two recommendations for you:

    1. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE PREGNANCY WEIGHT NAZIS. I am 21 weeks pregnant and have kept up my running and weights and I’ve still gained 15 lbs already. Like you, basically the first thing that happened when I found out I was pregnant was that I grew an ass shelf. Now everything is covered in a layer of fat! Those stupid books that are all “oh, maybe gain a pound in the first trimester”? BURN THEM. And if your doctor gives you crap, don’t listen. Your body is going to do whatever the hell it wants. As long as you exercise and eat basically healthy, you have nothing to worry about.

    2. There is an awesome book by Dr. James F. Clapp called “Exercising through your pregnancy.” I recommend it highly. Running is, like, the best thing you can do for you and your baby, if you can suffer through the bouncing megaboobs and general feeling of being a hippopotamus.

  16. I tried to comment here earlier but apparently it didn’t work…basically: YAY and don’t worry about the weight thing. Also I kind of copied you and wrote a pregnancy post of my own today (it was time…)

    Dainty pregnant women suck.

  17. Ach, sorry, forgot – I wanted to recommend the book “Exercising through your pregnancy” by James F. Clapp, if you haven’t got it already. Also, make sure you go to an ob-gyn who tells you running is a good thing (and bring your husband as a witness), because NOTHING is sweeter than saying to your mother-in-law, with a wide-eyed look of bewilderment: “But my doctor says running is a GOOD thing!” Bonus points if you do this and post a photo of her facial expression afterward.

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