on how my vices have turned against me + Friday haiku

So, I’m really not going to launch into a diatribe every day about being pregnant. Swearsies.

My experience has been typical thus far, and I trust you people are smart enough to pick up a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting if you have any interest whatsoever in knowing what my body is doing (SPOILER: burping and farting) or what type of fruit my fetus resembles.

Seriously, if you want to know how I’m feeling today? Read Chapter Nine.

But I do want to share with you this one thing that I think is just mean and cruel and totally unfair: I hate coffee now.

The taste, the smell. The very thought of coffee makes me want to do voms all over Starbucks.

Initially, everything was okay. TJs actually has a pretty good decaf French roast that is almost like the real thing.

But somewhere around week 7 the idea of coffee became revolting to me. I started having this nasty metallic taste in my mouth all the time like I was sucking on pennies (Chapter Six), and I found coffee just exacerbated that. Now it’s escalated into one of those irrational aversions to the point that when I look at the coffee maker in the kitchen, my stomach gurgles.

Seriously. It was actually pretty easy to give up the booze. But I thought coffee and I could remain casual friends. And it’s breaking my heart.

With that in mind, your Friday haiku:

Dear coffee: What gives?
Thought we had something special.
Now you’re dead to me.

What’s in your coffee this morning? Bonus points if it’s something alcoholic.

P.S. Cindylu from Loteria Chicana has taken up the whole haiku thing (actually she started doing it before I did), and she writes some really good stuff (a/k/a not the tripe you’ll find over here). Check her out.

P.P.S. STL Hops is hosting a haiku contest for a bottle of Dark Lord. Don’t think for a minute my “condition” precludes me from entering. It just means I will be forced to age that puppy until some time in 2012.

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18 thoughts on “on how my vices have turned against me + Friday haiku

  1. My list of reasons to never ever ever ever get knocked up is a mile long and now you tell me a COFFEE AVERSION is possible? Just…why are you torturing yourself? WHY? NO BOOZE, NO COFFEE? Does pregnancy turn women into Mormons? So sad.

    Coffee Free Marie
    It’s too bad and really sad
    Shoulda swallowed it!

  2. Don’t even bother entering the STL Hops contest. I have already submitted the winning entry! If you’d like to see what you’re up against, I’d be happy to show you. I really should’ve been a poet.

  3. I am loving these posts, because everything you are writing about is very familiar. I also had a coffee aversion in the first trimester. I also wouldn’t drink tea. I am happy to report that once the baby poisoning passes, you will like coffee again. In fact, I’m drinking some right now.

    Mmmm.

  4. Race day goodie bags
    Have Don Francisco coffee
    I get my fix free


    I think it was noon by the time I finally had coffee. All I put in it was some flavored french vanilla creamer. I’m not a daily coffee drinker, so free samples last me a while.

  5. How do you wake up without coffee?

    How do you sleep without booze?

    I am now imagining pregnancy as some 9 month semi-conscious state.

    (today I had tea, but that’s because my mom was rationing her “good” coffee on vacation like it was cocaine, which she confessed to me she would like to try)

  6. The things you end up hating is ridiculous. I remember when I was knocked up w/my first, I brought some delicious fruit salad w/me to work for lunch. I opened up the container, looked at it, and thought I was going to barf. Sigh. Couldn’t STAND fresh fruit the entire time. Talk about awful. Worry not! As soon as the kid pops out, you’ll want coffee again 😉

    I lost in my 1st trimester w/my 2nd because I was barfing constantly and constantly nauseous. Of course, it was a girl, she was a pain from the beginning 😛 And talk about bad food. It was like I had PMS for 9 months. Hence why I’m still rolly polly from carrying her 😛

    • And Marie should know that the first has turned out to be a young Charlie who hits on women 5 times his age and that the second shoplifts and bites whiny kids. So all worth it 🙂 ❤

      • Laura speaks the truth. His girlfriend is Laura, and now both kids have histories of biting the whiny, crying kids at daycare. And Zoe stole Elmo slippers from Target. Yes. I like to start them young.

  7. I can’t imagine a worse fate then finding a growing fetus lodged in my uterus, preventing me from enjoying two of life’s most precious nectars: coffee and booze. Especially coffee. Fuck.

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