Congratulations to me for being 3-1/2 months and one day pregnant today! It really feels like an important milestone, you guys. My fetus is starting to look like less of an alien: its eyes are closer together and its ears are on the sides of its head now. So that’s good.
Also congratulations to me for “running” three miles last night, for a total this week of…three miles. I am an amazing pregnant runner, and super double proud of myself every time I manage to make it outside and waddle around for 30 or 40 minutes.
Additionally, congratulations to me for making it through another work week. It’s probably going to be really funny (to everyone but me) in about six months when I realize how little I actually had to complain about. And if the amount of complaining I do increases on a monthly basis, watch out. I’m really going to have to come up with some creative ways to top myself in that 9-1/2th month.
And, according to my doctor, Indiana is one of the top-ranking states in the U.S. for syphilis outbreaks. So, congratulations to me for not having it. (Although to be fair, we haven’t lived here that long. ::Smirk::)
And last, congratulations to me for finding a way to reach my tens of adoring readers despite the home PC still being out of commission. (Name this movie: “Aren’t you busy in your career?” “I’m in between important meetings!”)
Want some haiku?
Congratulations
on being mediocre.
You get a gold star.
Thoughts? What’s so great about you this week?
Cheaper Than Therapy 
Congratulations!
U R BEAUTIFUL GIRLY
Bellyshot my face!*
*I often end haikus with moneyshot the face. This is a modification to celebrate the fact that your uterus is currently occupied.
What’s so great about me… I just finished up a week of free drinking that I earned by singing the Gilligan’s Island theme song in front of a bar full of people. And now I’m hungover and not at work. Let’s haiku this:
Beer tastes much sweeter
when it costs you dignity
instead of money.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to bed.
That was maybe the best haiku I’ve ever read.
Do you have a feed bag yet? Best idea ever… my coworker had one she toted around everywhere full of food.
I may have taken food from it from time to time.
Yes, I stole from a pregnant woman.
Not ashamed.
I ❤ you
Meh. Let me know when you start giving blow jobs in the Whole Foods bathroom. Then we’ll talk gold stars.
GOING DOWN IN THE WHOLE FOODS PARKING LOT
What’s the hardest part about being pregnant? I think for me the hardest part will be two things:
1. Gaining weight after maintaining my 100 pound loss. Seeing the scale creep up would be scary.
2. Not being able to eat sushi. 😦
I miss sushi too! I had some veggie rolls the other day, but it’s not the same.
Some pregnant women try to pretend its fun and exciting to watch the numbers on the scales go up, but they are LYING. For anyone who is even remotely conscious or aware of their weight, it’s a shock to see the sudden gain. I just try to eat as much of the right foods as I can and only a little of the WRONG ones. (working on “noodle bowls” post for next week that will completely discredit my remarks here.) That’s my only advice. And also pregnancy books are full of shit. 🙂
So great this week ’cause
I’m avoiding restaurants
Maybe I’m just poor
You still ran more miles than me this week, and I don’t even have the fetus excuse.
And to answer your question, what ISN’T great about me this week? I cannot contain my own awesomeness.
Well, I wasn’t really self-congratulatory today, but you’ve totally opened my eyes to the dangers of self-deprecation. Hello, I so don’t have syphilis! Or gonorrhea! Wow. I’m awesome.
The pregnancy weight gain doesn’t upset me as much as I thought it would. It was more traumatic earlier on when it was clearly fat and bloat and not in any way baby. Now that a good portion of it is baby-growth-related I feel a little more zen about it.
And:pregnancy books never tell you anything you really need to know. Like when the doctor says the blood supply from your uterine arteries is “borderline”, do you find that in “What to Expect”? No. Of course not. There, you find really important information like which piece of fruit does the fetus most resemble.
I hear baby books are even worse though 🙂
I’ll feel zen when I can use the “expectant mothers” parking spot at the grocery store without people giving me side eyes.
I’m on summer vacation, so I slept in and napped, and am now making cupcakes laced with 3 types of irish booze. And since, unlike everyone in my family, I’m NOT knocked up, I can throw back swigs of the good stuff while baking. So what’s not awesome about that? (sorry for rubbing it in : )
Glad to hear your baby is growing eyes and ears!
pregnancy scares me
must keep the baby alive
prob’ly shouldn’t drink.
See what I did there? Cheated and made a three word syllable only two. What else you got for me haikus…
Best thing about me
this week is that I am not
pregnant. Great success!