life tips!

So this comic, Doug Benson, does a bit called “Life Tips” in which he offers helpful advice on various things. (I scoured the internet for about three minutes or so and couldn’t find a clip, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.) I thought it was a wonderful idea and I know a lot of you people would probably fall off the sidewalk and die if it weren’t for all the helpful information you find in blogs, so…

1. If someone is in the break room or kitchen or common area of your workplace and she is slicing fruit or warming up bread in the microwave or skinning a carcass, and the only comment you can think of is to note what it is she’s eating, just don’t say anything at all.

"Big Gulps huh? Welp, see you later!"

2. It is never necessary to share the price or size of clothing you purchase. Let me repeat: It is NEVER NECESSARY to share the price or size of clothing you purchase.

3. Don’t talk about your job. No matter how much your friends will pretend to care, THEY DO NOT CARE. (Exceptions: if your friends are coworkers; if your job is drug runner, prostitute, assassin or the topmost person in a water-skiing pyramid.) And if the only thing you’ve got going on in your life is your job, I just feel sorry for you.

4. If you’re in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you edges forward a couple of inches, it is not necessary to close that distance by inching forward a couple of inches yourself. It’s not going to get you through the line any faster. Just stay put.

5. NO STICKERS ON FRUIT NO STICKERS ON FRUIT NO STICKERS ON FRUIT! (Okay, this is not really a tip, but it’s timely.)

6. If you are sitting with a group of people and you realize you have been the only one talking for five minutes or longer (and you haven’t just returned from climbing Mt. Everest or fending off a gangbang), STOP TALKING.

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23 thoughts on “life tips!

  1. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes.

    I hate hate hate when someone comments on the food I’m eating…what business is it of yours??? Mind your own Amy’s lasagna and let me be with my cheeseburger.

    And obvi you know how I feel about posting the size or price of your clothes. Vanity vanity vanity.

  2. I’m seriously considering distributing this post to everyone I know. Think that would be too aggressive? I’d like to add: if you work in a tiny office with other people’s desks 1.5 feet from your own, please chew with your mouth closed. I do not need to hear or see that.

    • YESOMGYES.
      I use to work with a gum-popper, a desk-thumper, and an I-have-to-speak-all-my-thoughts-out-loud…er…person.

  3. Just realised something. When you birth the foetus* (bowling ball, vagina; you’re welcome) and it’s all newborn and needy YOU MAY NOT HAVE TIME TO POST SUFFICIENTLY. Sufficiently meaning to hugely entertain me, and remind me that it’s OK, when I move to the States later this year I will still be able to find my peoples (to the dude aiming to insult me using the term ‘sarcastic British gash’? Try harder. How is a statement of fact ever an insult), and that in fact you aren’t ALL chirpy blonde cheerleaders. I blame TV for that belief system, btw.

    Would you mind putting in place the plans to ensure this doesn’t happen? Thanks in advance (I may be a sarcastic British gash, but by christ we’re polite. Or passive aggressive. Often both).

    *I’m English, you guys are doing it wrong. Quit being lazy with spelling – wtf is ‘tonite’?

    • I suddenly feel under immense pressure to perform…

      Never mind, it passed.

      Everything I know about your faraway land, I learned from Ricky Gervais and A Clockwork Orange, so it’s probably safe to assume I have done my fair share of stereotyping as well. But we shouldn’t let it come between us. (But they ARE all cheerleaders in Texas, watch out.)

      It’s my goal to post at least as often as I am now (oh hey, let’s all look back at this in 6 months and laaaaaugh!) although it might be at 3 a.m., with more misspellings, grammatical errors, and er, typical American laziness.

      • I fully support this goal – and hey, sleep deprivation is likely to produce some VERY good writing. For us, I mean. You? I think you’re screwed to be honest. Totes winky smiley dude!

        Violent, un-showered thugs with bad teeth, living to a soundtrack of classical music under grey skies, eating bad food – yet tremendously POLITE, old boy? You have me down to a tee (hot, right? Oh! Except I also have deformo feet. Seriously, how does anyone keep their hands off me).

        I’m guessing (and very glad) that you’ve seen Ricky’s original Office rather than US version. In totally fair trade however, many thanks to you and yours for Arrested Development – god that was good. Why, why, why was it not better appreciated and hence lived longer. Rhetorical …

      • We REFUSED to watch the US Office, and even tried to make some friends watch Ricky’s original Office, but they were like, “um, we don’t really get it…” So we had to stop hanging out with them.

        Coupling was another cute one you guys did…although I think you ripped that one off of Friends. I had a giddy schoolgirl crush on Richard Coyle for a while…

  4. One of my good friends who has a knack for Seinfeld-esque observations, made the same point about how we all go around saying how great of a deal we got on clothes/shoes/jewelry/food. It doesn’t need a descriptor. Since she pointed it out and we laughed, I don’t do it anymore either. Take a compliment and move on.

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