So this comic, Doug Benson, does a bit called “Life Tips” in which he offers helpful advice on various things. (I scoured the internet for about three minutes or so and couldn’t find a clip, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.) I thought it was a wonderful idea and I know a lot of you people would probably fall off the sidewalk and die if it weren’t for all the helpful information you find in blogs, so…
1. If someone is in the break room or kitchen or common area of your workplace and she is slicing fruit or warming up bread in the microwave or skinning a carcass, and the only comment you can think of is to note what it is she’s eating, just don’t say anything at all.
2. It is never necessary to share the price or size of clothing you purchase. Let me repeat: It is NEVER NECESSARY to share the price or size of clothing you purchase.
3. Don’t talk about your job. No matter how much your friends will pretend to care, THEY DO NOT CARE. (Exceptions: if your friends are coworkers; if your job is drug runner, prostitute, assassin or the topmost person in a water-skiing pyramid.) And if the only thing you’ve got going on in your life is your job, I just feel sorry for you.
4. If you’re in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you edges forward a couple of inches, it is not necessary to close that distance by inching forward a couple of inches yourself. It’s not going to get you through the line any faster. Just stay put.
5. NO STICKERS ON FRUIT NO STICKERS ON FRUIT NO STICKERS ON FRUIT! (Okay, this is not really a tip, but it’s timely.)
6. If you are sitting with a group of people and you realize you have been the only one talking for five minutes or longer (and you haven’t just returned from climbing Mt. Everest or fending off a gangbang), STOP TALKING.