if healthy living blogs had existed in…

…the Depression era: I can’t find a job and we are all starving. For my workout today, I built a shanty out of plywood and corrugated metal. I also burned several hundred calories crying myself to sleep last night. Related: I truly believe I have finally reached my happy weight!

…the Civil War Era: This morning I walked 15 miles barefoot in the blazing heat to a place called Gettysburg. I ate a stale corn muffin I had been hiding in the pocket of my coat for about three weeks. It didn’t look very good but it tasted divine. YOU MUST TRY STALE POCKET CORN MUFFINS. YOU SIMPLY MUST!!

…the 1950s: I had a fantastic workout vacuuming and dusting the house today. I wore a lovely string of pearls and my new polka-dot chiffon dress with the satin sash. I would have loved to include a photo but our camera cost nearly $40 and my husband won’t let me use it without his supervision. After my workout, I made a peach cobbler with extra lard for the hubby, but it wasn’t quite ready before he got home from work so he punched me.

…the Colonies: This morning, like every other morning, consisted of spinning, sewing, cooking, cleaning, tending to the chickens and geese, and trying not to get smallpox or cholera. This is quite an undertaking, having also the 11 children to look after, and I fear I may now be with child again. As the goodwife of the household, I am also expected to shuck and preserve this peculiar grain the red people bring to us. (They call it maize! I believe they worship the devil!)

…the Pleistocene Epoch: GROG SCAVENGE 20 MILES FOR FOOD BEFORE BREAKFAST! GROG SICK OF EATING BERRIES ALL DAY! GROG NEED CLUB WOOLLY MAMMOTH SO GROG HAVE MEAT! GROG WORE GARMENT MADE FROM FUR. MAKE GROG LOOK SKINNY!

…Ireland, 1840s: I know, I know, you guys are getting sick of seeing this, but I had to have watery gruel AGAIN for dinner. Seriously, who am I?!

…the Roaring ’20s: Today I made some beer in the bathtub and was disappointed that organic hops don’t exist. 23 skidoo! Did a great Charleston workout on top of a flag pole!

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36 thoughts on “if healthy living blogs had existed in…

  1. This was probably one of the best posts I’ve read in a long time. I LOVE IT!

    Oh my god. Gruel again? Let’s take 14 photos of the same bowl of gruel!

  2. Amazing. Although I somehow feel like the Irish section should have discussed potatoes… Oh lord, history nerd alert. Sorry, I should have stopped at “amazing.”

    23 skidoo!

  3. omg this is so fing funny! you rock. Hey, wouldn’t the hops in the 20’s be organic b/c of the lack of pesticides?

  4. 23 skidoo! Angry Runner and I recently had a conversation about that phrase and the possible obstacles to bringing it back into the vernacular. I remain hopeful. You are hilarious, friend. Oh, and happy #tinydinosaurarmbitchslapoff day! I hope that girl at your office got hers.

  5. Mahahahaha! Wow, it kind of makes me feel self-indulgent, doesn’t it… Would you like to see a picture of this morning’s oatmeal? Or maybe I could tell you how much I love yoga?

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  8. So I may or may not have gone back and read a bunch of your posts….out loud, to the boyfriend, and we both were dying. This post was especially amazing. Best “healthy living” blog post ever!

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