issues

In my Jerry Seinfeld voice: What’s with these people who claim to be insanely busy but just happen to be on the internet ALL THE TIME?

You know the ones. They gripe and moan about how stressed they are and how they’ve got soooooo much work to do, yet they’re always first to reply to your email, comment on your Facebook post or bust out a tweet about how busy they are. We get it, you’re important. (And now if you’ll excuse me, I have an important video I need to watch on Youtube. And some videotapes to return.)

I myself am not that busy. I go to work. (Mostly.) I do things. (As few things as possible.) I get emails. (Not that many.) And I’ve never once asked myself, “Seriously, where did [whatever month it was last month] go? I keep track of time rather well, actually.

I also don’t have any goals. Except the goal to just keep on keepin’ on. People who are always talking about their goals need to find a hobby. Or drink more.

And now a pregnancy rant…

To the hoards of you who just can’t wait to breathlessly and gleefully tell me about how I’m going to go poop on the delivery table, I get it. I already heard that rumor and I’m not impressed. If you think going #2 in a room full of people is something to get all hyped up about, you must not have had much fun in college. Plus, I’m guessing that I might just be so caught up with the whole passing o’ the watermelon thing that I would gladly make a poo on the front lawn of the White House if it got the baby out any faster.

I’m also not impressed by all you people who feel it is your obligation to explain to me how my hoo-hah is never going to be the same and how you would never, ever in a million years be able to stop drinking for nine.whole.months. And I’m sorry about your drinking problem.

I’m not bitter, I’ve just heard all your jokes before and I’m not polite enough to keep laughing like it’s the very first time.

/pregnancy rant

Now a mind-blowing haiku/disclaimer:

This is by no means
a call for you to go poo
on the White House lawn.

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18 thoughts on “issues

  1. a. I could kiss you right on the mouth for the first part of this post. PET. PEEVE. I’ve rolled my eyes so many times I think my left eye got stuck once. Which is why my friends now call me Left Eye. No TLC relation. (Too soon?)

    b. I can’t lie the poop thing scares the shit out of me (bad pun intended) but that’s why I told my husband if we ever decide to procreate, he is strictly forbidden from the business end of things during the birth. Some things can’t be unseen.

    c. Who actually believes that your vagine changing is going to affect anything. Ok so might pee your pants sometimes, big deal. But has any man ever walked out on a family a 6 weeks later like “welp, that’s it. Can’t live with that the rest of my life.” Has no one seen American Pie? MEN WITH HAVE SEX WITH ANYTHING.

    The end.

  2. Also, I think people want to be congratulated for being very busy. But the way I see it, you’re either just bad at time management (that’s me) or you’re taking on too much and don’t know when to say no.

    • Exactly. I think people believe that busy = successful, which, as you pointed out is not always the case. And I really couldn’t care less if people I know are successful, or important, or make lots of money, or any number of other things they see fit to brag about.

  3. “I’m also not impressed by all you people who feel it is your obligation to explain to me how my hoo-hah is never going to be the same.”

    I bet you hear this exclusively from women, since they’re the only ones who believe it. Men, however, are probably responsible for the origins of this myth, along with many other falsehoods (“tuna fish,” etc.). Then some dudes wonder why women have body hang-ups. We really are just apes with less body hair, I guess.

    Anyway, I can’t screw around here all day. I have a full plate of multi-pronged flame wars, watching shows on Hulu, and writing dirty limericks to deal with.

  4. Wait a second! I get to push a baby out of my vagina AND shit on the table in front of people. Pregnancy is the best!

    Now, if you will excuse me, I’m really busy. All this work on my desk isn’t going to ignore itself.

  5. C-section. Problem(s) solved.

    Usually when I think about everything I need to accomplish and I start to feel like I might be “busy,” I’m always amazed at how much I get done when I actually WORK for even just an hour. Crazy, I know. Kind of like laundry. I always dread doing it, but after it’s done I’m like “that wasn’t so bad.”

  6. The first part of this post came straight from my brain. Seriously, are you walking around in my mind tank? If you have time to tweet, you’re not busy.

    I wouldn’t care if I shit on the table. I’m giving birth to a human. Some weird shit is gonna go down.

  7. I wanted to think up a great comment for this post but I’m so busy responding to comments on my own blog and reading all my millions of emails that I just don’t think I can find the time. Oh well…maybe next week, when I’ve finally caught up on my exploding google reader….

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