neuroses or: running with an alien baby fetus inside of you part II or: this post is worthless without pictures

After scouring the internet for pretty much the last five months, I’ve come to the following conclusion: there are a lot of horrible options out there for maternity running gear. (It turns out cutting the belly out of my running shorts is not going to be a viable long-term solution. I had to cut so much out, there wasn’t enough waistband left to hold them up. C’est la vie.)

I tried to sag/fold my shorts down low enough to fall just under my belly, but it looked kind of obscene (my belly would hang out from under the bottom of my shirt) and it wasn’t all that comfortable.

Tangent: There is a time and a place for exposing your veiny, white pregnant belly to everyone in your neighborhood and that time is never. I am more than happy to “embrace the bump” – an expression I abhor, by the way – from the privacy and comfort of my own home, thank you very much. (I will, however, swim in a bikini at the gym simply because they don’t make a sporty maternity bathing suit that doesn’t cost eleventy jillion dollars, and because, pregnant or not, tankinis make you look like a lamp shade.)

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, running shorts.

So I tried wearing shorts that were a couple sizes too big, but they just billowed all around me like a parachute and rode up the crack of my ass until it felt like there was more short inside of me than around me. (And the shorts didn’t even buy me dinner first. Rude.)

For a while, I even wore a running skirt (shut up) I got on clearance at Dicks for a Halloween costume that never panned out, and ASIDE FROM BEING A RUNNING SKIRT, it was actually fantastic. It was really the skirt’s liner shorts that had me at OHAIURFAT hello — they were loose enough to accommodate the belly, but snug enough to not ride up. The outer skirt was just a consequence. But now I’ve grown out of that one too, and well, I just can’t bring myself to BUY another running skirt. Because come on.

Finally, I found some compression shorts (again on clearance; seriously, if you buy stuff at full price, you’re a sucker) that are just about perfect. They’re BIG, but they’re still snug enough to stay put and not wedge up my ass. (I also absolutely ADORE the Nike Pro Combat compression shorts but they’re way too small for me to wear outside of the house. Just trust me on this.)

Anygeeisitsofuntrotryandfitmyfatassintoshortsthatdontfitme, over the weekend I managed to do some good running (read: good for me; read: mediocre running; read: any running is good running these days) without dying or killing the fetus. Whoop. Eye-roll.

Saturday, I got up early enough to beat the stifling heat and waddled off to the gym for a treadmill session. (It’s no longer the dreadmill to me; it’s the brilliantmill.) So in addition to my half-mile run-waddle to and from the gym, I did about 25 minutes on the treadmill and also managed to lift some weights and thrash around in the pool for a while.

Sunday, the stupid gym doesn’t open until 11:00 (as a Christian organization, the YMCA has some silly notion about allowing their staff time to attend church. I know, so selfish.) So I killed time at home by doing my modified-for-pregnancy version of Jillian’s No More Trouble Zones workout. (Basically: you eliminate core work, eliminate jumping jacks, cut each set in half and also don’t do anything too bendy or lifty. And stop whenever you feel like it.)

So I finally run-waddle off to the gym, where the nice lady at the front desk tells me it’s not quite 11:00 yet and I have to wait. (Glance at the digital clock on the wall: 10:59. Yes, I am serious.) She then turns away and stares pleasantly into nothingness until the digital numbers change to 11:00, at which time she turns and smiles, holds out her hand for my membership card and allows me to pass.

Anyone else remembering that scene from Meet the Parents, where Ben Stiller is the only person standing at the gate, but the flight attendant refuses to let him on until she calls his boarding group?

Yeah.

Anyway, I swam (read: splashed around like a walrus; read: kicked and jabbed my way from one end of the pool to the other; read: pantomimed a seizure in the pool) for about 30 minutes and then run-waddled home again.

And I felt pretty damn good about myself.

But it doesn’t really matter because I have a feeling I won’t be running anywhere for much longer. It’s not the running part so much as the aching and stiffness I get in my nether regions as soon as I’m done running. (And it’s not my uterus that’s aching, it’s my pelvic bone and pelvic floor muscles that are aching under the weight of my gigantic uterus. So relax and don’t send me hatemail.)

I won’t get into too much because this is a family blog (lol), but just think about getting kicked real hard in the crotch and that is what it feels like. I would like to commiserate about it with other pregnant runners, but I really don’t know any well enough to be like, “so hey, does your crotch ever hurt after you run at all?”

I don’t know where I’m going with this…except, hey, does your crotch ever hurt after you run at all?

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19 thoughts on “neuroses or: running with an alien baby fetus inside of you part II or: this post is worthless without pictures

  1. Yeah, sometimes my crotch hurts after I run.

    Running skirts are stupid, and yet they are the only running gear that fit me at the moment. The Nike skapri is recommended by 100% of fetuses polled!

    • I might get desperate enough to try it one of these days…for some reason they make like a baijllionty times more maternity skirts than shorts. I search “maternity running shorts” and then the site only has crops and skirts. Google needs to blacklist those jerks.

      • Bastards. But look, skirts are very practical – if you nearly outgrow the shorts part and don’t really fit into it so well any more, the skirt part totally hides it. Re: shirts, I’ve bought XL Puma tank tops (I think it’s called hte “essential fitness tank” for not very much $ on amazon. So far so good, though I may run out of room in them at some point…

  2. I love that scene and am always bringing it up like “Hey, remember that scene from MTP when he’s like.. waiting in line…and she’s all NOT YET! and then.. like he waits…” and for some reason no one every knows what I’m talking about… but you… with your achy crotch and your thrashing in the pool… you get me.

  3. Hahaha, I forgot about that scene. I hope you stared at the lady with the same look of contempt. Good luck with the waddlethrashing. Maybe if you stop thrashing, the crotch pain will go away? Or…is that just what she said?

  4. Be careful in that pool. I hear you can get yeast infections from public pools. Oh and pregnant! You can pregnant in pools too!

  5. Being the geek who does nothing but troll the internet, if you go to the Women’s Forum at RW online, you can read and talk about all thing Vag/Pregnancy related to your heart’s content.
    I try not to look… 😀 Congrats on succumbing to the running skirt craze, lol!
    I make it a point to not go there!!

  6. umm been reading you for a while. had to get off my backside and comment. i think that pain is normal. i started having that close to when i delivered the baby myself [back when]. i didn’t run during pregnancy (and that drove me totally nuts, i cannot even describe how much. yes, i am like that). but i walked a lot and did lot of squats and stuff of that sort that some floozy yoga instructor person made me do. it hurt like hell but the doc said it was nothing. its all the expansions and stuff going on down there in preparation for the big day. yes. good luck with everything, i love your sense of humour and hope that your child inherits it! [I tailored a few cotton pants – they tore pretty much every time i did a squat; I wore my husband’s basketball shorts – these worked pretty well though the elastic gave up and i had to hold it up with rope, and pulleys]

    • Thanks for coming out of lurkerville to comment on your crotch pain! Now I can check out your blog too.

      Yeah, I figure every weird thing I’m feeling *down there* has something to do with the pregnancy and I stopped asking my doctor about every little weird pain I was having, so it’s definitely nice to know it’s not just me. For some reason it seems like buying maternity lounge/workout gear is too much of a luxury expense, so I’m doing my best not to buy anything I can’t keep wearing later on. Sounds like my husband’s basketball shorts will be next on my list.

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