I’m a small petty woman or: what I’m not naming my kid (part I, probably)

So at one point, I wanted to name my daughter Juliet. (Yes: daughter. See how easy that was? And you didn’t have even have to scroll through a dozen blurry ultrasound photos of something that might be a baby or might be a satellite map of a hurricane, with one photo that has an arrow and the word GIRL pointing to something that might be a labia or might be a teeny tiny hamburger bun.)

Anygettothepointmarie, I’ve always liked the name Juliet, and there was this pretty girl who went to my high school whose name was Juliet. But, her last name wasn’t Lewis. (Oops, now you know my last name. I’ll never be president.) And I just don’t know if I could handle my kid’s name being Juliet Lewis.

Everyone would be like, “Juliet, like the actress?” And I’d be like, “no.” And they’d be like, “Did you see From Dusk Til Dawn?” And I’d be like, “yeah.” And they’d be like, “remember that part where she’s like, ‘does anyone have any silver?'” And I’d be like, “yeah.” And then they’d be like, “I heard she’s a scientologist now.” And I’d be like, “mhm.”

And that would happen again. And again. Until eventually I would be compelled to instruct my daughter to start giving people her middle name (Huey) and be done with it.

Other names we have reluctantly crossed off the list:

  • Sinclair
  • Meriwether
  • Jerry Lee
  • Leona
  • Daniel Day
  • Herschell Gordon
  • C.S.
  • Richard

24 thoughts on “I’m a small petty woman or: what I’m not naming my kid (part I, probably)

  1. I think this is the funniest thing you have ever written. Literal laugh out loud at middle name (Huey). And I love your list of alternate names. Hilarious! And mazel on a daughter!!!!


    Suggested names for you:
    -Batman (someday someone will name their spawn batman)
    -Lola Lou
    -Louie Lou
    -Fish Face

    Or, really, anything you find here: http://wesclark.com/ubn/

    Also note:

    If you really do want to name her anything on the list above, you could change your last name to the names I suggest. I think both Marie and Juliet Dodecahedron sound nice, don’t you?

  3. Instead of Seven, you should go with Soda. If George Constanza likes it …

    By the way, I love AR’s suggestion of Louie Lou. I laughed out loud.

    In all seriousness, we had two solid girl names if our spawn turned out to be a girl. If you want to know, let me know. If not, I will keep my yapper shut, because I hate when people start pestering me about baby names. We have a name all picked out for the boy but we don’t want to blab it to everyone, so we are constantly harassed about baby names everywhere we go.

  4. What, no dramatic buildup? No “we looked at the ultrasound today – but our baby’s gender is a SECRET!”

    Maybe instead you could start showing us how big your baby is by using slabs of meat? “Today, my baby is the size of a hot dog.” “Today, my baby is size of a flank steak.”

  5. Hahaha, best reveal ever. True story, when my sister was born (in 1975), my parents came THISCLOSE to naming her Carly. Our last name is Simonson. She’s lucky they’re not that mean. But in all seriousness, I think you could pull off naming her Meriwether.

  6. Haha, I laughed out loud. Congrats on the girl, I’m kind of glad you’re having a girl. I was getting annoyed at how everyone seemed to be having boys lately.

  7. Everything about this is hilarious.

    Except that you’re having a girl. That’s not hilarious, it’s fantastic. Congratulations!

    But seriously. I say go with CS. Solid name.

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