350 word Thursday: in which I am somewhat grateful

Wow, you guys! I really enjoyed reading all your comments on yesterday’s post. I am TOTES going to use that one for my “surprise success” on the 7 Links post! (I’m being facetious but I’m serious too.)

No, but I’m really glad you guys you understand this is a place you can come to air out all your petty frustrations and misguided rage. I am here for you.

Except for when I’m here for me.

Today I am thrilled because my neighbor just dropped off a GARBAGE BAG of hand-me-down maternity clothes. (Yo: I’m not a snob, I’ll take whatever you give me.) I’ve been getting by on a few maternity – and a few non-maternity – items, and knew I was going to need more (and bigger) clothes for the fall and winter. But I was dreading having to do more shopping and now I don’t have to. There were some cute tops, some nice black pants and some crops and khakis I can wear to work, but most importantly: TWO PAIRS OF STRETCHY JEANS THAT FIT ME PERFECTLY. A while back, I tried on some maternity jeans from Target and they sucked. They weren’t stretchy and didn’t sit right and they made me look like a fatty fat fat. You know those weird reverse-fit jeans they make for people with front butts? Well, that’s what they felt like. And I am NOT about to pay $278 for some overpriced “designer” maternity jeans from Pea in the Pod. So high five.

Getting huge has also allowed me to fully appreciate what a hot piece of ass I used to be. I used to do a lot of complaining, but I now realize I had it pretty good. So I decided whenever I have my figure back, I’m going to dress like a total slutbag just to demonstrate my gratitude. (Since I don’t like to shop, I saved all my total slutbag outfits from college in the hopes that I will someday be slender enough to wear them again. I think it’s a reasonable assumption this will happen after the baby’s born.)

I’m going to be a wonderful mother.

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17 thoughts on “350 word Thursday: in which I am somewhat grateful

  1. When I started to show, which was almost immediately, my sister handed me a bag of maternity clothes. In that bag was a pair of jeans from Motherhood Maternity, and they are the best jeans ever! I bought a second pair for maybe $35 online.

    Also, there’s some cheap stuff on Destination Maternity if you don’t want to go to an actual store and would rather shop online. I went into a Pea in the Pod store here, and I laughed so hard at the prices they almost had to change their store name to Pee in the Store. I was dying! I’m not going to pay $200 for a fuckin’ dress that I’m going to wear for a few months!

    • Yeah, it’s such a racket. I’ve heard girls say “oh, but these $300 jeans are sooo comfortable and it’s so worth it!” A) I don’t HAVE 300 extra bucks to spend on jeans and B) …actually, that was pretty much it.

  2. I don’t think its misguided rage when someone who posts pictures of food 2x a day every day has 3 book deals, and I, with a real life story and publishing dreams, have none.

  3. Remember the tuck & roll?? God I was a sexy 5th grader, what with my acid wash mom jeans and shirts with shoulder pads. Bc obviously every 5th grader needs shoulder pads…and stirrup pants.

    • Oh my god. I was constantly adjusting my jeans because the roll never stayed put! One good thing hipsters have done for us is that now you can get away with dressing like a complete jerk and people just think you’re making a fashion statement.

      • I remember when shoulder pads went OUT of style and I started cutting them out of all my sweaters. My Bill Cosby sweaters.

      • hahaha Amy that was an amazing point. And I LOVE Bill Cosby sweaters!! Remember the one where Rudy got the light up sweater and I’m pretty sure she stole it or something…but then the lights didn’t even work? Idiot.

  4. Yeah, maternity clothes should always be handed down. they get worn not nearly enough. same as most kid’s clothing. That kinda cool comment I just made to disguise my real comment. You’re gonna talk about boobs and breast feeding right? Because I have my heart set on that!

  5. ummm, so we’re 4 days past due which, in the words of my gay father is, FABALUS! Needless to say, the following FB post happened: I tucked brooke in. No babes. Pretty sure the old fashioned, pressure points, rumble ride, spicy burrito, haven’t worked. Stupid wives tales. She wakes up early in the morning. I think I’m gonna dress up in the ape outfit to scare her into contractions… If it works for hiccups, it’s gotta work for babies.

    Don’t go past due. THIS SHIZZLE SUCKS! I just wanna meet my little man.

    I hope my prose was tight. T-I-T. Tight.

    Out. One.

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