nothing screams androgyny like lambs and monkeys

Goooood MORNING!

Don’t you hate people who say that? I have this coworker who greets each person in the office individually with a big, fat annoying Gooood MORNING! and I’m pretty sure he does it on purpose just to be a jerk — he even gives extra emphasis to the people who appear to be having a horrible day. And since I sit pretty much smack dab (who the hell says “smack dab” anyway?) in the middle of the building, I get to hear him greet everyone, and their replies, which range from halfhearted to bordering on shanksville. This was only mildly intolerable when I used to drink coffee. Now it’s excruciating.

I did actually drink about four ounces of coffee on Saturday morning and I felt like a million bucks. I made a very weak cup of Bolivian something-or-other from TJs with my French press, and I was only able to drink half of it before I was bouncing off the walls. This coming from the person who used to drink a large pail of extra dark roast sludge on the way to work and another one on my way inside.

Anyway, today is the fetal alien’s 22 week birthday and she is now 11 inches long, or the approximate distance between Uma Thurman’s eyeballs.

We celebrated by staying up all night and listening to the cat knock stuff off the nightstand.

Sleeping is starting to get…interesting. I sleep for about five minutes at a time before I wake up and have to roll (read: launch) myself into another position. And half the time, I wake up because I’m anxious and think I’m inadvertently smashing my fetus in my sleep.

Anyway, I should probably wrap this up while it’s still morning.

One more thing though: how come all girl baby bedding looks like a cotton candy machine threw up on it? Seriously. And the “gender neutral” stuff? Is fug too. Just because I don’t want everything in the baby’s room to be PAAAAAAAAAAAANK doesn’t mean I’m all that into sage green and yellow either. I’m also not particularly fond of zoo animals: seems a lot of baby themes force you to pick one. I’m thinking of going with plain white — but is that just asking for it to immediately get barfed on? (Also, white might make the baby look fat, and we don’t want her to develop a complex and start asking for Skinnygirl baby formula.)

Anyway, think about all of these things and let me know how you feel. I’ll be here all day.

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27 thoughts on “nothing screams androgyny like lambs and monkeys

    • DONE AND DONE. But then I will be forced to go back through my entire blog and “sanitize,” deleting any reference to fetus, retard, fat, and fug. I’ll probably just hire a crack team of marketing experts to do it all for me.

  1. I’m with you on not wanting all pink crap for your baby girl, but have you ever seen the onezies with horns/antlers/ears/whatever. They make me die of happiness because of their cuteness. I once saw a reindeer one and it was amazing.

    • ❤ YES. Yesterday at Target we were looking at those mobile/music playing crib thingies and I go, "I want to hear the music. What if it sucks?" And my husband said, "Yeah, what if it's Coldplay?"

  2. What’s disturbing me most is that I understood the title reference right away. Damn fertile Irish family…the kids are taking over the adults in numbers.

    I’d go plain white. The kid doesn’t use the comfortor during the constant puke-poop phase, anyway. And it’s classy.

    You can just spray tan the angel so she doesn’t look washed out. Tan fat is better than pale fat.

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