10 steps to a better-looking baby

Many of us long to fill the void in our empty lives with a baby friend, but there are so many concerns! Will my baby have birth defects? Will it be fat? Will it be funny-looking or socially awkward? There’s no way to ensure 100% that your baby will be good-looking, but there are ways to eliminate some of that uncertainty and trial-and-error involved in childbirth.

Read on!

1. Be good-looking yourself. If you’re not good-looking, maybe you and your baby (when it’s old enough, of course!) can get a two-for-one deal on some cosmetic surgery. They’re doing amazing things with 16-year-olds these days.

2. Sleep on your back. I know what you’re thinking: Wait, Marie! Don’t they say not to do that? Well, yes. It cuts off your circulation, but guess what? It also cuts off the BABY’S circulation, and the harder that baby is working, the more calories it will burn in-utero.

3. Drink lots of caffeine. Studies show that caffeine can stunt a child’s growth. Translation: caffeine makes kids skinny!

4. Eat right. And by “right,” I mean eat very little. Cucumbers, iceberg lettuce and watermelon can fill you up, and pretty much have zero nutritional value whatsoever. Be sure to crush some vitamin E tablets over it to keep that hair from falling out!

5. Try not to carry your baby to term. If you’re eating “right” and focusing on your caffeine intake, this shouldn’t be a problem.

6. Try a mild steroid. The advantages of being ripped will be passed right along to your baby. Sometimes steroids can lead to acne and an overall haggard appearance (UGLY!), so you don’t want to overdo it. Start moderately, and work your way up.

7. Studies show your baby can actually hear you inside the womb: tell your baby how good-looking it is. Explain to your baby how important it is in life to be good-looking, and that no matter how special it is on the inside, people will always judge it according to its appearance. Continue to reinforce these ideas throughout your pregnancy, and you’ll be surprised how easily your baby catches on when it’s born.

8. Science hasn’t come up with a way (yet!) to tan your baby inside the womb, but you can start working on your baby’s color as soon as it’s born. That soft, supple baby skin will be highly receptive to bronzers and toners. And a spray-tan on your baby could last weeks longer than it would on your average human being.*

9. Another postpartum tip: have money. The better your baby is dressed, the more likely people will be to overlook minor flaws and defects. Even if you can’t afford name brands, you’ll notice a lot of people use a gimmick like a big floppy bow or pierced ears to enhance their baby’s overall appearance.

10. If your baby doesn’t have much hair, opt for a wig. The other major benefit of a wig is that it covers up that creepy soft spot on the back of your baby’s head.

And there you have it! With these 10 easy steps and a little luck, you’ll have a baby that is fit, trim and ready to party!

What are some other ways to make your baby good-looking?

*unproven

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30 thoughts on “10 steps to a better-looking baby

  1. I wonder if there’s more to life than being really really ridiculously good-looking?
    Also…did you see the clip on Tosh.0 of the pregnant chick from the pornshoot?
    WOW.

  2. Smoking crack every now and again, especially in the third trimester, is also beneficial to both mother and fetus. Yes, I know what the naysayers believe, but the fact is that if you expose your unborn baby to massive floods of dopamine and other catecholamines in utero, he or she will be virtually immune to the negative psychological effects of stress owing to methodical down-regulation of beta-adrenergic receptors throughout the body. Just imagine! Your son or daughter is the high-school class president and has to deliver a speech to a couple thousand people at graduation, and is so fucking cool and collected that the ensuing soliloquy is unmatched in the annals of public speaking.

    Please think about this before you dismiss it.

  3. When I get pregnant I’m doing all of these. I def don’t want an ug-o for a child. I think #7 is my favorite, the sooner you learn that the better.

  4. Umm…#8: bronzers come in liquid form, you know, so either chugging or injecting yourself with some should give the baby a nice, beautiful glow by the time you pop it out. Start super early though, and do a lot of fake bake – the more you use, the less chance that the baby will be patchy.

  5. So glad you included a photo of the wonder that is Courtney Stodden. Who I believe is really a 45 year old woman. Maybe you can try to model your baby after “young” Courtney!

  6. Pingback: it’s time we had a talk about your (ugly) unborn child | Cheaper Than Therapy

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