my neurosis starring Cameron Diaz

So I think I heard a while back that there was going to be some kind of movie based on the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I probably made some snarky comment (because that’s what I do), and then promptly forgot about it (because that’s also what I do).

But then today, I came across this site linked from THE SITE OF ALL SITES, with pictures of a ripped-but-strategically-adorable Cameron Diaz who apparently plays a pregnant chick in this mess. A pregnant chick who still looks amazing in booty shorts.

fat fucking chance

Yep. It turns out they’re making a whole movie to promote the delusion that uber mega ripped Cameron Diaz sporting a silicone belly is actually what a real life pregnant lady looks like.

Granted, I haven’t seen the movie. But that doesn’t mean I can’t bash it preemptively. I mean, I don’t actually need to see Miley Cyrus in concert to know that she sucks. And my flawless intuition tells me this is going to be a warm, light-hearted tale of pregnancy with just a teeny tiny bit of icknast and the sadz thrown in to make it seem sort of accuratelike, but still funny and upbeat enough to have a happy ending. (Translation: total suckfest.) This movie will be a romantic comedy geared toward ignorant, romance-hungry 20-somethings and sex-starved marrieds who haven’t had kids yet. (UPDATE: I’ve just been informed that J-Lo will be cast as the token fat chick in order to draw in additional plus-sized movie goers.)

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this movie is a completely realistic portrayal of what it’s like to be pregnant. Maybe she gets really fat. Maybe her face breaks out and she can’t poop when she wants to and her calves swell to twice their size and she feels really hateful and neurotic every time she sees that pregnant chick who has the nerve to wear a tiny dress and four-inch heels to her prenatal appointment like some kind of harlot. In the movie, I mean.

What I’m saying is that anyone who tries to tell you that pregnancy is just when a baby grows inside your tummy is a liar and an asshole.

Being pregnant not only causes you to gain weight, but your actual blood volume increases, which is why pregnant chicks tend to get that “thick” look. You’re also unbelievably tired after only like, pathetic amounts of physical activity and if you’re me, you worry that everything you do is going to kill your baby anyway, so you half-ass it just to be safe.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to maintain your current level of rippedness. If you:

only work when it’s convenient for you;
can leave your office or desk or table at Starbucks to go for a long walk whenever you feel like it;
have a full-time personal trainer;
have a full-time chef and nutritionist;
are never relegated to exercising at the end of the day when all you feel like doing is crying and eating a carton of frozen yogurt in not underwear because none of your underwear even fits you anymore;
are on meth;

then you might have a very slim chance of preserving your wiry arms and rock-hard quads throughout your pregnancy.

But probably not.

Look, I don’t know what the rules are. I can’t tell you how to 100% positively identify someone who is underfed or orthorexic or who is just wearing a silicone pseudo-bump to make you hate yourself and isn’t even really pregnant. What I can tell you, and this is 100% straight undeniably true, is that any pregnant chick who is slimmer than me probably has a serious condition and should be pitied; and that this movie will do for pregnancy what Eat Pray Love did for feminism and cultural awareness.

See if I’m wrong.

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30 thoughts on “my neurosis starring Cameron Diaz

  1. When I gain weight I gain it in weird ways and weird spots. I’m pretty sure I will NOT look anything like Cameron Diaz in that movie. I hate those portrayals. Talk about a self-esteem crusher!

  2. GOD DAMMIT I’M SO SCARED TO GET PREGNANT!
    But seriously. F Cameron Diaz. Yes Something About Mary is one of my favorite movies (“WHO, RollerPIG???”), but creating un-achieveable body images for pregnant women is just mean. You’re hormones are already ridiculously, heightened and obviously you’re going to gain wait, your growing an effing baby inside you, and then you see pictures like that and you rue the day you ever spread your legs. It’s just irresponsible. The casting, not the spreading of the legs, that is.

  3. Stupid Hollywood version of pregnancy! I so desperately wanted to be Heidi Klum or Kate Hudson throughout my pregnancy — somehow keep my body in tact with only a baby bump to show for being knocked up. That went bye-bye in the first trimester.

    But you are exactly right, Marie, and I try to remind myself all the time that these ladies have personal trainers and chefs, and they don’t have daily 9-to-5 jobs, which help them maintain a slim figure even if they are knocked up. It’s their job to look good.

    I do, however, plan to start meth immediately after popping out this baby, so I can get back to a healthy weight.

    • The whole job thing really screws me. If I even just go out for a nice long walk mid-morning, I’d be content. But it’s the last thing I want to do when I get home after work. But…I should make better use of my time — for instance at night, when I wake up every 45 minutes I should do a few reps instead of just lay there in bed like a sloth.

  4. Movies like this are not worth seeing because you can’t be convinced of the characterizations at ALL. If I saw this I’d have to be reminding myself throughout the movie that Diaz was preggo because I’d see her body and completely forget she’s playing a pregnant woman.

    Kinda like movies where the heroine is supposedly a dumpy, poor, fat, pathetic lady who happens to look like Katherine Heigl and is actually hot, thin, and wears designer jeans.
    Not buying it.

  5. Wasn’t it enough when Cameron Diaz was making average, non-pregnant people feel bad about their bodies? I feel fat compared to that picture of her FAKE PREGNANT! eeks.

  6. AHHHH i just choked on my [non-raw-fish-containing] sushi a little. WHY, cameron? and WHY NOW (okay, that part’s selfish)?? couldn’t they have at least have used a celeb who was pregnant – even a frustratingly gorgeous one [jessica alba]? actually, scratch that – if i had to watch miranda kerr and victoria beckham lament over losing their 22″ waistlines i think i would die.

  7. yeah nothing gets my goat more than good looking celebrities with pseudo-pregnancies. i was uglier than ever and weighed in at whale levels and had no muscle groups identifiable anymore. i dont even like anyone in real life who looks chilled out and happy and beautiful when pregnant. let along cameron diaz. you just wait till you have that baby and people tell you how they breastfed their way to a 6-pack. thats just worse.

  8. All fake pregnancy stuff aside, I hate self-help movies made into romantic comedies. The last one I saw, and I hate myself for even admitting it/watching it, was He’s Just Not That Into You. I was so stabby by the end. (And I did read the book, a friend recommended it after a breakup. It made me laugh, but I felt so weird just checking it out from the library.)

  9. Pingback: Unexpected | Love, Sweat, and Beers

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