So I think I heard a while back that there was going to be some kind of movie based on the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I probably made some snarky comment (because that’s what I do), and then promptly forgot about it (because that’s also what I do).
But then today, I came across this site linked from THE SITE OF ALL SITES, with pictures of a ripped-but-strategically-adorable Cameron Diaz who apparently plays a pregnant chick in this mess. A pregnant chick who still looks amazing in booty shorts.
Yep. It turns out they’re making a whole movie to promote the delusion that uber mega ripped Cameron Diaz sporting a silicone belly is actually what a real life pregnant lady looks like.
Granted, I haven’t seen the movie. But that doesn’t mean I can’t bash it preemptively. I mean, I don’t actually need to see Miley Cyrus in concert to know that she sucks. And my flawless intuition tells me this is going to be a warm, light-hearted tale of pregnancy with just a teeny tiny bit of icknast and the sadz thrown in to make it seem sort of accuratelike, but still funny and upbeat enough to have a happy ending. (Translation: total suckfest.) This movie will be a romantic comedy geared toward ignorant, romance-hungry 20-somethings and sex-starved marrieds who haven’t had kids yet. (UPDATE: I’ve just been informed that J-Lo will be cast as the token fat chick in order to draw in additional plus-sized movie goers.)
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this movie is a completely realistic portrayal of what it’s like to be pregnant. Maybe she gets really fat. Maybe her face breaks out and she can’t poop when she wants to and her calves swell to twice their size and she feels really hateful and neurotic every time she sees that pregnant chick who has the nerve to wear a tiny dress and four-inch heels to her prenatal appointment like some kind of harlot. In the movie, I mean.
What I’m saying is that anyone who tries to tell you that pregnancy is just when a baby grows inside your tummy is a liar and an asshole.
Being pregnant not only causes you to gain weight, but your actual blood volume increases, which is why pregnant chicks tend to get that “thick” look. You’re also unbelievably tired after only like, pathetic amounts of physical activity and if you’re me, you worry that everything you do is going to kill your baby anyway, so you half-ass it just to be safe.
I’m not saying it’s impossible to maintain your current level of rippedness. If you:
only work when it’s convenient for you;
can leave your office or desk or table at Starbucks to go for a long walk whenever you feel like it;
have a full-time personal trainer;
have a full-time chef and nutritionist;
are never relegated to exercising at the end of the day when all you feel like doing is crying and eating a carton of frozen yogurt in not underwear because none of your underwear even fits you anymore;
are on meth;
then you might have a very slim chance of preserving your wiry arms and rock-hard quads throughout your pregnancy.
But probably not.
Look, I don’t know what the rules are. I can’t tell you how to 100% positively identify someone who is underfed or orthorexic or who is just wearing a silicone pseudo-bump to make you hate yourself and isn’t even really pregnant. What I can tell you, and this is 100% straight undeniably true, is that any pregnant chick who is slimmer than me probably has a serious condition and should be pitied; and that this movie will do for pregnancy what Eat Pray Love did for feminism and cultural awareness.
See if I’m wrong.