waxing retarded

The day before I found out I was pregnant (this would have been March 31, 2011, when I was approximately 20 pounds lighter and still shaving my legs on a regular basis), I went out and bought three big 22 oz. beers and two bottles of wine, all of which are collecting dust in my kitchen as we anxiously await the arrival of our dear spawn.*

But today is a very special day anyway, because mommy’s little angel is now pretty much the same length and weight as one of those 22 oz. bombers.**

5 bucks if you can name the movie that's on in the background.

Also, according to BabyCenter.com, I may have noticed that my hair looks more full and lustrous than ever. (Can’t you tell?!) Golly, thanks BabyCenter! Lustrous hair is totally a fair trade for bleeding gums, varicose veins, snoring and offensive flatulence.***

In case anyone’s interested, what I’m not drinking tonight is a Brian Boru Irish Red from Three Floyds. I have no idea how it will taste in 2012 but I can’t wait to find out. I figure at 5.5% ABV/40 IBU, it will be a safe starting-off beer after x months on the wagon.

And, to give you a reason to keep reading (as if you needed one), I’m taking requests for next week: What objects that are approximately 14 inches long and weigh 2-3 pounds, give or take, would you like to see my child compared to? If I can find it in my house (or Photoshop it from my office), I’ll post pictures. THIS WILL BE FUN, LIKE CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE!

*I also bought an eight ball of cocaine that day, but I was three-quarters through it by the time I took the pregnancy test; I finished it, going on the logic that the damage had already been done, and also that coke just doesn’t keep well.

**Actually, at 13 inches long and weighing an estimated two pounds, the kid is a lot bigger than that beer. I was going to post this a couple weeks ago when it was relevant and I forgot. Get over it.

***Actually, I don’t have any of those things except for the flatulence. I wasn’t lying about that part. And it is extremely offensive.

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32 thoughts on “waxing retarded

  1. Hold up, hold up, hold up: the pregnancy test you showed us showed April Fools’ day, no?

    14″… the jokes write themselves. Please show a dildo. The veinier the better.

  2. Holy shit! You are so fucking hot. I’d totally do you!

    Is that the movie where Judd’s beating off to his kid sister’s friend? Ah, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Mr. Hand?

    So I counted on my other hand. Is this kid going to be your Christmas Miracle?

    • DING DING DING! Too easy a question I guess. Although who could mistake Judge Reinhold in a wedge cap for anything but Fast Times?
      December 8-13 is the “window” they’ve given me. But close enough to Christmas that she’ll probably be one of those unfortunate kids who feels cheated out of a birthday every year.

      • Push her out a little early. I’m on the 1st and I never pulled that shit on my parents. My friend born on the 27, however….you want no parts of that.

  3. Nice, but you forgot to take a picture from the other side and then one of the front. And then one from each side and front with your shirt up, then a few with the beer OVER the belly and some more with the sonogram over the bump so we can REALLY picture what’s going on in there.

    I think you are about 10 pictures short of giving us the full pregnant experience. Shame. At least you are watching Fast Times.

  4. The movie is definitely Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I think it is at the part where Brad is saying “Mister, if you don’t shut up I’m going to kick 100% of your ass! “

  5. That looks like Fast Times At Ridgemont High. You need to watch Raising Arizona. Maybe Nic Cage will come steal your baby after he/she is born!

  6. Not to be all totally reality check, but I imagine you’re in the 25-30 week range? Just based on the size and weight of the kid??? My cousin delivered at 28 weeks (pregnancy induced hypertensia), and my nephew was 2.5 pounds and was in the NICU for 2 months. Thank God she and he are both ok (and honestly he’s the cutest baby EVER, and he’s always been very patient – she thinks the NICU craziness gave him the calm demeanor).

    I have no idea why I feel the need to tell every woman I encounter this story as she hits this part of her pregnancy. I think I like to scare people into perspective whether they need it or not.

    I’d send a picture of him at birth as my entry but I think that’d be cheating…. haha.

    • You’re right – just going into week 26. From what I’ve read, 27 weeks or so is the threshold for the baby having even a slim chance of surviving outside the womb, so I can imagine how scary that must have been for her and your family.
      Side note: I worked with this chick a long time ago who told everyone her youngest son was born by c-section at SIX MONTHS because her doctor miscalculated her due date. Yeah. By THREE MONTHS. And this wasn’t in 1793, it was in 2004. So now that I realize how unlikely that was, I want to go back in time and call her a liar.

      • Um, that chick reminds me of a girl in my HS who told us all her family had kosovo refugees living at her house then brought in a picture of two pale white kids dated 1984 on the back.

  7. I have the Fast Times soundtrack because I was able to remember a quote from the movie. I used the “it’s only your virginity” (or something like that).

  8. Once I had a dream that I gave birth to a puppy.
    Hmm.. on second thought I should maybe have kept that one to myself. So anyways…how bout that hurricane.. (shit.)
    PS- I ❤ FTARH. That's how the cool kids refer to long movie title names, we shorten them.
    PPS- every time I see a picture of your house I want to tell you that I like yo style.

  9. There are a number of things wrong with this post.
    1) why are you not telling us where you got those darling shorts?WHY IS THERE NO LINK???
    2)how can I get my hair to look like yours? video tutorial, please.
    3) I am confused, are you or are you not pregnant?
    4) Why is there not a guest post by your darling hubby about the joys of impending fatherhood?
    Please do better.

    • 1) I bought them in Milan, and they are much too expensive for any of you pleebs to afford.
      2) Just go swimming and then don’t comb it for two days.
      3) I should have linked back to my original pregnancy post. Multiple times.
      4) He is too busy photographing me and also going to his job where he makes lots of money for which to buy me things.

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