The day before I found out I was pregnant (this would have been March 31, 2011, when I was approximately 20 pounds lighter and still shaving my legs on a regular basis), I went out and bought three big 22 oz. beers and two bottles of wine, all of which are collecting dust in my kitchen as we anxiously await the arrival of our dear spawn.*
But today is a very special day anyway, because mommy’s little angel is now pretty much the same length and weight as one of those 22 oz. bombers.**
Also, according to BabyCenter.com, I may have noticed that my hair looks more full and lustrous than ever. (Can’t you tell?!) Golly, thanks BabyCenter! Lustrous hair is totally a fair trade for bleeding gums, varicose veins, snoring and offensive flatulence.***
In case anyone’s interested, what I’m not drinking tonight is a Brian Boru Irish Red from Three Floyds. I have no idea how it will taste in 2012 but I can’t wait to find out. I figure at 5.5% ABV/40 IBU, it will be a safe starting-off beer after x months on the wagon.
And, to give you a reason to keep reading (as if you needed one), I’m taking requests for next week: What objects that are approximately 14 inches long and weigh 2-3 pounds, give or take, would you like to see my child compared to? If I can find it in my house (or Photoshop it from my office), I’ll post pictures. THIS WILL BE FUN, LIKE CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE!
*I also bought an eight ball of cocaine that day, but I was three-quarters through it by the time I took the pregnancy test; I finished it, going on the logic that the damage had already been done, and also that coke just doesn’t keep well.
**Actually, at 13 inches long and weighing an estimated two pounds, the kid is a lot bigger than that beer. I was going to post this a couple weeks ago when it was relevant and I forgot. Get over it.
***Actually, I don’t have any of those things except for the flatulence. I wasn’t lying about that part. And it is extremely offensive.