my birth plan: why I chose Juan

Giving birth is a sacred and intimate experience, and developing a birth plan to accommodate your unique needs is one of the most important parts of your pregnancy.

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Woman are giving birth now more successfully, quickly and painlessly than ever before. But living in a country with state-of-the-art medical facilities and the best doctors eight years of Ivy League schooling can buy has lead many women to feel that they are being cheated out of that old-fashioned, harrowing birth experience.

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Labor should be long, arduous and fraught with peril; not painless, safe and sanitary! This is why many women in first world countries are forgoing traditional obstetrical care in favor of a midwife; basically a nice lady who tells you you’re pretty and pats you on the knee while you’re pushing the baby out.

I really love the idea of adding a little adventure to my birth experience, and I’ve always been such a trail blazer, which is why I’m taking this concept to the next level: I’ve asked my hairdresser, Juan, to delivery my baby for me, and he has accepted.

My hairdresser/childbirth technician.

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Juan always gives me personal attention, and his gentle touch makes me feel so completely at ease while I’m getting my hair cut. The other day while he was giving me a scalp massage, I practically fell asleep!

And that’s when I knew: Juan is exactly the type of confident, dignified and compassionate person I want to guide me through the delivery of my child.

I understand it will likely cost more money to make this dream a reality; many insurance companies choose not to cover this type of “alternative” birth plan. I will probably also have to put down a great sum of cash in order to rent out my salon for the day. But to me, it’s worth it! I just really want to savor this experience in a relaxed setting, and if I were to give birth in a sterile, guarded hospital environment, I just know I would regret it.

Another bonus: Juan is sure to make me look like a million bucks for all the photos I plan to live-tweet from my shampoo station/birthing chair! It’s going to be very empowering.

I should probably emphasize that I’m not judging any of you who may prefer to give birth the easy way, with doctors and medicine.

We are all beautiful and unique snowflakes, and we must each choose the path that is right for us. I just know deep down that my birth experience is going to be more fulfilling, longer and a hell of a lot more painful than yours, and I think we all know that’s what really matters.


36 thoughts on “my birth plan: why I chose Juan

    • Indeed, which is why you will understand completely when I tell you we are looking into hiring a high-priced pregnancy photographer. (No but seriously – I hear people actually do that. Can you believe it?)

      • Oh yes, I know several bloggers who did that / are going to do that. God, I mean, I’d want some photos of me with the rugrat afterwards, but during? Ummm no. No no no no no. Did I say no?

  1. Yo. I don’t believe for one second you will go through with that plan. You are definitely too pampered and will ask for the drugs at the first sign of pain. Oh, you were being ironic, never mind.

    I have a few tips too. Make sure you don’t eat before you start labor, or do their enema kinda thing so you aren’t actually shitting while pushing out the baby. Add that to your birth plan.

    And be sure to check out Juan. Is he gay at least? Because you know scalp massages turn into other stuff pretty rapidly. Pass that on to your husband. LOL

    Finally, send pictures. No, not of that. Of the pre-birth goddess Marie.

  2. Not only can he wax your pubes as noted above, there are mirrors everywhere which will make your video extra special. You should push the kid out into one of the hair sinks…that’s the perfect size to wash her up and put a bow in her hair! If she has hair.

  3. I know a woman (via blogging, it still counts) who delivered 3 or 4 of her 6 kids at home. She now allows the younger ones to play in the birthing pool when it gets hot and they want to go for a swim. No joke.

  4. I love the picture of your lady flower. It reminds me of my own. I have to admit that when I read your blog, I’m jealous inside because of my failures as a woman to produce a child. I’m currently seeing an infertility psychic, hopefully I can reproduce with her help!


      Side note: When I was born I had red hair, then it all fell out and grew back blonde. I used to think that made me weird but apparently it’s fairly common. =(

      THE MORE YOU KNOOOOOW *shooting star*

    • HA!! We plan to tip the standard 20% and we’ll probably throw in a bonus if we feel he’s earned it. As for the placenta, we’ll probably take it home and eat it with some fava beans and a nice chianti. (ssssssllllllllllllurp)

  5. Ohhh this is brillz.

    I mean, if you want a homebirth or natural birth or whatever, go for it- but don’t feed me that line about how “women have done it this way for centuries and they were fine!” Actually, a lot of them weren’t fine. A lot of them died. Employ the modern technology.

    • Oh, you nailed it. I HATE it when people say that! According to wikipedia:

      The death rate for women giving birth plummeted in the 20th century.
      The historical level of maternal deaths is probably around 1 in 100 births.[15] Mortality rates reached very high levels in maternity institutions in the 1800s, sometimes climbing to 40 percent of birthgiving women. At the beginning of the 1900s, maternal death rates were around 1 in 100 for live births.[citation needed] The number in 2005 in the United States was 11 in 100,000, a decline by two orders of magnitude,[12] although that figure has begun to rise in recent years, having nearly tripled over the decade up to 2010 in California.[16] For the United States, 11 in 100,000 is now one of the lowest estimates. Maternal deaths in the United States range up to 17 per 100,000 live births.[17]
      The decline in maternal deaths has been due largely to improved asepsis, fluid management and blood transfusion, and better prenatal care.[citation needed] Recommendations for reducing maternal mortality include access to health care, access to family planning services, and emergency obstetric care, funding and intrapartum care.[18]

      But this is probably has nothing to do with medical care, more likely it is due to the abundance of kale smoothies and millet. =P

  6. If the baby is born bald, Juan can give it extensions! Brilliant!

    Also, post baby there better be placenta recipes. Healthy ones, with quinoa and chia seeds.

  7. Eff that. I’ve been told that I will have to have a c-section, and since my spine is messed up epidurals will be tough so I may need to be put out. So basically I’ll go to sleep and wake up with a shiny, clean baby.

    Fine. By. Me.

    • A couple of my friends have had last-minute c-sections and said they felt nothing but relief. People would like you to think you’re a failure if you don’t do it a certain way, but if a live baby happens as a result, I consider that success.

  8. Everyone already took everything I wanted to say… boo. Yeah, I don’t get why it’s a competition to see who uses meds and who doesn’t. Get over yourselves. I for one will be as doped up as possible.

    • Seems like they only want to do it without drugs is so they can TELL people they did it without drugs. Otherwise they wouldn’t go around queefing about it like its all impressive. Yeah, you don’t get a medal for that. Or money. So what’s the point?

  9. I blame Rikki Lake!

    Great post though, seriously. I ditto the whole dying in childbirth thing. Technology is our friend!

    I have a question about Juan. As of late, I have been noticing an abundance of photos on Facebook* of newborn girl infants with flowers larger than their faces attached to headbands which are then wrapped around their tiny heads. Usually the flower matches their outfit. Does he have access to the giant flower headbands? It seems to be the must have accessory lately.

    *there is one who has had a new outfit and new flower EVERY day since the baby has been born. STOP. Your child is not a doll. kthxbai.

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