Giving birth is a sacred and intimate experience, and developing a birth plan to accommodate your unique needs is one of the most important parts of your pregnancy.
Woman are giving birth now more successfully, quickly and painlessly than ever before. But living in a country with state-of-the-art medical facilities and the best doctors eight years of Ivy League schooling can buy has lead many women to feel that they are being cheated out of that old-fashioned, harrowing birth experience.
Labor should be long, arduous and fraught with peril; not painless, safe and sanitary! This is why many women in first world countries are forgoing traditional obstetrical care in favor of a midwife; basically a nice lady who tells you you’re pretty and pats you on the knee while you’re pushing the baby out.
I really love the idea of adding a little adventure to my birth experience, and I’ve always been such a trail blazer, which is why I’m taking this concept to the next level: I’ve asked my hairdresser, Juan, to delivery my baby for me, and he has accepted.
Juan always gives me personal attention, and his gentle touch makes me feel so completely at ease while I’m getting my hair cut. The other day while he was giving me a scalp massage, I practically fell asleep!
And that’s when I knew: Juan is exactly the type of confident, dignified and compassionate person I want to guide me through the delivery of my child.
I understand it will likely cost more money to make this dream a reality; many insurance companies choose not to cover this type of “alternative” birth plan. I will probably also have to put down a great sum of cash in order to rent out my salon for the day. But to me, it’s worth it! I just really want to savor this experience in a relaxed setting, and if I were to give birth in a sterile, guarded hospital environment, I just know I would regret it.
Another bonus: Juan is sure to make me look like a million bucks for all the photos I plan to live-tweet from my shampoo station/birthing chair! It’s going to be very empowering.
I should probably emphasize that I’m not judging any of you who may prefer to give birth the easy way, with doctors and medicine.
We are all beautiful and unique snowflakes, and we must each choose the path that is right for us. I just know deep down that my birth experience is going to be more fulfilling, longer and a hell of a lot more painful than yours, and I think we all know that’s what really matters.