a sausage biscuit and a parenting epiphany

I had a really stressful dream last night that I was trying to get breakfast at McDonald’s and for some reason, I couldn’t. Every time I pulled into the drive-through or tried to place my order, something would happen and I wouldn’t quite make it. It was really annoying, and I never ended up getting fed.

Naturally when I woke up this morning, it was all I could think about. I fended off the demons on my way to work, but then I actually left my office around 9:30 and drove 40 feet to the nearest McDonalds to buy myself a damn breakfast: sausage biscuit meal with signature square egg and hash brown plank.

greasy goodness

Folks, it was all I dreamed of and more.

The last time I had a sausage biscuit was about three years ago. I was really hungover, and I absolutely required grease in order to not die. Usually when I need a fast food fix, I opt for Chick-Fil-A, which I consider to be the most upscale of the lowbrow breakfast joints. (Oh, but I’m totally not judging!)

I told my husband about the McDonald’s dream and he said something like, “well, we’ll probably have to take the kid there every once in a while.” I agree; it’s like a rite of passage.

After swim lessons in the summer, my mom used to take me to McDonald’s for a 6-piece McNugget and French fries. I didn’t actually know until I was older that all nuggets were not called McNuggets.

I told shmoopie -in my sanctimonious blogger voice- how there are some healthy living bloggers out there who are all, disdainfully, like, “I would never allow my child to eat at McDonalds!”

He rolled his eyes. “That’s stupid.” (Side note: This is about as much as I can ever get out of him when I bring up the topic of sanctimonious bloggers. How could anyone not want to talk about this kind of stuff for hours on end, you ask? I don’t know either.)

Anyway, I think if you always deny your kids those guilty pleasures like horrible food or the occasional beer, or worse, try to brainwash them, they will grow up without a healthy respect for these things. And probably end up having them with their friends anyway. Plus, it’s just mean and bordering on child abuse if you don’t take your kids to McDonald’s at least once a year. Let them play in the germ-infested ball pit. Let them eat gray meat and greasy French fries. And then take them home and give them some broccoli. And a bath.


18 thoughts on “a sausage biscuit and a parenting epiphany

  1. I’m not going to lie, I love me a damn McDonald’s sausage biscuit. I don’t go there on a regular basis to seek one out, but if one happens to find its way into my greasy little mitts, I will put it in my face.

    Before our recent separation, boyfriend would get drunk (a lot) and go to McDonald’s (often), and sometimes it was so late (early) that they’d have switched over to the breakfast menu and he’d order sausage biscuits instead of big macs. I found an uneaten one in the fridge once, hours later. I microwaved that shit and ate it like it was some European delicacy. Amazing. ❤

  2. Just make mcdonalds a reward, a special occasion instead of part of the regular routine. Seriously, when Iwas little going to McD’s was reserved for maybe once a month,if that, and or when we were on a road trip somewhere and had limited options.

    Or if there was a really cool toy. Obviously.

  3. Agreed. My mom used to take me to BK after play rehearsal (nerds what uppp) for the crispy chicken sandwich- you know, the one that’s fake meat AND fried AND loaded up with mayo? That shit was good. It’s all about the moderation. She also force fed me my broccoli, and I think I turned out ok.

    • I love that freaking chicken sandwich. I like the “Italian” one too with tomato sauce and mozzarella. That totally makes it Italian by the way.

  4. Ahh how could you not when you describe its meat as “gray”? Ick ick ick.

    I don’t know if I’d take the kids to Mickey Ds, but maybe. They do have good Coke. Lots of bubbles…I hate Coke without bubbles.

  5. Totally agree. There’s a huge difference between how your kids will look at something when you monitor it in a healthy fashion and ban it all together.

    My mom refused to let me get my navel pierced, dye my hair, even mention drinking or admit I was at a party with it, and I had the earliest curfew of all time.

    What happened? I got that damn belly button pierced 3 days after turning 18 (not to mention my tongue a year later), my hair was platinum by the end of my freshman year (I’m such a winner!), and I got a Minor In Possession of Alcohol my first month of college- when I was out until 4 in the morning.

    So yeah.

  6. I was one of those totally sheltered kids who wasn’t allowed to watch MTV and we hardly ever got to go to McDonalds or have pizza night unless Mom worked late and Dad took us as to not have us starve without dinner. And I went through a MAJOR binge period because of it, I’m sure. I’d go bananas anytime I had access to “forbidden foods” and would inevitably get sick and swear I’d never do it again, but I always did. Thankfully I’ve recovered (for the most part, just don’t leave a bag of Oreos near me, I WILL CUT YOU) and now splurge on the occasional sausage egg and cheese bagel when hungover.

  7. McDonalds breakfast sandwiches are amazing. They’re healthy now too. A commercial just told me that last night!

  8. Agreed! Not letting your little one play in the ball pit is like giving up access to a required vaccine. Plus, how can you have a happy childhood with a happy meal or two? You can’t. That’s how.

  9. I applaud this. In my book, if there’s one thing you’re going to eat at McDonald’s it should be one of their breakfast sandwiches. I love their sausage egg McMuffins.

    Good call on the parenting decision. The kid who never gets McDonalds will hate their parents. See: Eddie Murphy’s Raw (or is it Delirious?) bit.

  10. My dad took us to White Castles after swimming lessons, we’d normally get fries & eat in a booth there so we didnt have to share with my siblings. Some of my fondest memories & why Whities remains on my must-eat list when in St Louis

  11. there is always the example of the guy who ate McDs and ran marathon(s). you know? the skinny dude. you can keep a photo of him handy and make the child run home after the Happy Meal… and yell instructions from the car window as you drive past…

  12. I think it’s funny when parents try to keep their kids away from places like McDonald’s. You know the minute that kid makes a friend, the friend’s parents are going to take them to McD’s to scarf down grease and frolic in the Hepatitis ball pit.

  13. My favorite part of swim lessons when I was little was the Burger King croissantwich (sp?) afterward. It wasn’t an every day thing, but it was fun and I got the cool paper tiara. Who doesn’t love a tiara, I ask you?

    I’m a vegetarian and admit I wouldn’t touch McDonald’s or BK with a 10-foot pole, minus the ice cream (duh,) but more power to those that indulge now and then. To each their own, moderation blah blah blah. You scratched your fast food itch and can move on.

    Minus the need for a tiara now and then, I think I turned out okay.

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