if you don’t have anything nice to say…say it with haiku

I feel sorry for my coworkers. I think they must be lonely. I can only assume these people are starved for interaction because they are always desperately making (un)clever remarks about anything you happen to be doing. Usually when you have your back strategically turned so as not to encourage chit-chat.


“Hot out there, huh?”

“You’re having cream cheese on your bagel. Cream cheese! Are you having a CHEESY kind of day today?”

“So, my dog had diarrhea this morning…”

And my least favorite: “SMILE!”

This level of communication is just a step above calling out the names of objects you see in a room: TELEPHONE! FAX MACHINE! PAPER SHREDDER!

Also, since my office just happens to be in close proximity to the break room, it’s assumed that I know what the deal is with any food sitting out in there and whether or not it’s okay to eat it. (Also whether the mail has been picked up yet, for reasons I still cannot explain.)

You know the old adage, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all? Well, I say take out the nice part and apply this to making idiotic remarks to your coworkers.

I prefer sullen
and moody coworkers to
happy, upbeat ones.

Have a wonderful weekend.


17 thoughts on “if you don’t have anything nice to say…say it with haiku

  1. It is my deeply held belief that it should be a basic human right to shank anyone who says: “Smile!”.

    Also, offices? Horribly unnatural environments that make otherwise normal people act like douchebags, and douchebaggy people act even worse. I have a 9-5er and feel your pain.
    And envy your brief mat leave escape…(but not enough to get knocked up, yet)

      • I totally say totally all the time. It’s totally annoying.
        PS I totally love you. Is that totally creepy? I’ll totally stop now.
        Totally. <– I said that one like I was in Bill & Ted's excellent adventure so it works as a one-word statement.

  2. My coworkers are obsessed with what everyone is eating. Any time I’m eating something, at least two or three people stop by and comment on my food. It drives me fuckin’ bananas. I’m trying to eat a hot lunch, and a coworker will interrupt me with a 10-minute monologue about how much they love Indian food. Argh.

  3. What bugs me is that “SMILE!” is only said to women. Men don’t walk around telling each other to smile because they’d get punched in the face. Women will submit and smile. F that. I’m punching people in the face.

    • SAMES. I’ve also thought of other aggressive responses such as “MY FACE IS NOT YOUR PROPERTY.” or “I’M SO SORRY I SUBJECTED YOU TO THE HORRIBLE SIGHT OF A WOMAN STARING BLANKLY.”

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