There are a lot of bad things you’re not supposed to do when you’re pregnant. Some of them are well-known: caffeine, booze, hot tubs; I like to refer to these as the Big 3, and I have stayed away from them. Except for a wee bit of coffee on Saturdays, which a leprechaun told me doesn’t count.
Some of the other no-no stuff is a little weirder and never would have occurred to me had I not started reading every book in creation with “pregnancy” in the title. (Dodgy book review: they’re all the same.) I have stacks of actual literature that was not written for an 8th grade reading level just waiting to be devoured as soon as I have a grip on this whole kid thing.
Here are some of the lesser known no-nos:
- No green tea. Apparently the “green” in green tea prevents your body from absorbing folic acid, which leads to fetal abominations.
- No salad bars. Because you don’t know how long that shit been festering at room temp.
- No Vitamin A…in excess. But you do want some Vitamin A. Just not too much. It’s a delicate balance. And if you go even one mg over, your baby is toast.
- No raw eggs. No mayo. No Caesar dressing. No cookie dough. No hollandaise. No 50 other foods that may or may not contain raw or undercooked eggs. Just to be safesies.
- No deli meat. Because smoked/cured meats are the debil.
- No shark, king mackerel or swordfish or your baby will be born with scales.
- No sleeping on your back or else your baby will start puckering up like that girl from “Airplane!” when the stewardess keeps popping out her IV while she’s singing “River of Jordan.”
- No unpasteurized dairy. This includes your bleu cheese, your feta, your Brie, your Camembert, and anything from Mexico. Apparently it can give you listerine.
- No Listerine.
Confession: I have done some of the bad things. I love salad bars, deli meat and even zomgnomayo, and no matter how hard I try to sleep on my side, I wake up on my back at least four times a night. But anytime I do a bad thing, I just think about this girl I saw on one of those theDiscoveryChannelTLCA&E shows about being pregnant and hooked on the bad stuff: she went on a cocaine bender for two weeks during her second trimester. So I just say to myself, at least I didn’t do THAT. And I feel better. And that my friends, is how you rationalize.