so you’re going on a coke bender

Yesterday, someone found my blog by searching “things i need for a coke bender” and I thought to myself why, what a lovely idea for a blog post.

According to Urban Dictionary (which we all know is the final authority on everything), a bender is anything lasting longer than a day. Doing cocaine for 24 hours on end can be tricky, but a bender doesn’t have to be a filthy, shameful experience. It can be really enjoyable and wholesome — provided you arm yourself with a few key supplies. This (by no means comprehensive) list can help ensure things run smoothly, and that things that shouldn’t be on fire stay not on fire.

I’m going to go ahead and assume you already have your actual toking/snorting/vein-banging paraphernalia, so we’re not going to talk about spoons and needles (today). What I would like to offer you are some of the accoutrements that will make your bender as pleasant as possible for you, and any roommates, neighbors or pets you might have.

Let’s do it!

1. You’re going to be alternately clammy and sweating like a beast, so a damp rag -even if filthy- can be very refreshing.

Pete here has opted to use a burberry knit scarf to combat his cold sweats.

2. Things are going to get a little ripe roundabout the 8th or 9th hour of your bender, so, air freshener, a candle or if you’re a high-rollin’ cokie, a Glade PlugIn®.

3. It’s not likely that you’re going to want to eat a lot during your bender, but like any endurance event, it is important to stay hydrated. Water is best, but Gatorade or Kool-Aid does make the scene a little more festive.

4. Booze is going to help you take the edge off. And, it might surprise you coming from a beer goddess such as myself, but cheap, light beer in a can is probably the best way to go when you’re on a serious bender. Or, if you think you’re a badass, a well-aged scotch.

Only pair cocaine with a well-aged scotch if you are a professional or under the supervision of a professional.

5. Although meth is the more well-known of the flammable stimulants, cocaine, too, carries with it a risk of fire, most often when you drop a lit cigarette or hot piece of aluminum foil onto the carpet, but sometimes when you douse yourself with 151-proof rum and light yourself on fire.

Not naming names.

Does your apartment and/or palatial mansion have a fire extinguisher? If not, a couple of heavy blankets will do, or a large bucket of almost anything but 151-proof rum.

6. The Very Best of Yes.

7. Clenching your teeth for 24 hours straight is really going to do a number on your jaw. Not that you can feel it…really…although you probably don’t really know what you feel. The important thing is to have some kind of mouth guard, chew toy or even just a sturdy strap of leather to keep you from grinding your teeth into dust. If you’re currently crashing on your meemaw’s couch because your parents kicked you out, some of her Werther’s Original butter candies will do the trick.

8. As they say, time flies when you’re on a coke bender. And how. But at some point, you’re going to run out of cocaine, or by some miracle, voluntarily decide it’s time to take things down a notch. This is when it’s extremely helpful to have a bottle of Nyquil or even just generic nighttime Wal-Tussin if that’s all you’ve got. Because the last thing you want to do when you’re finally trying to go to sleep is just lay there for another four hours chewing a hole in your lip and listening to the sound of your irregular heartbeat.

You’re welcome, anonymous searcher, and good luck to you.


15 thoughts on “so you’re going on a coke bender

  1. Yeah, but what about “Deaf blind and retarded babies”? Or “using ellispsis assholes”?

    I wish that I had better search terms. I mean, it’s not much of a bragging right when someone finds your blog by googling “Is it ok to eat snot”.

  2. I agree with the others- you have the best search terms for your blog, and it’s obvious you’re reaching out to a segment of people who have thusly been ignored. You’re Amazeballs…

    Waiting to hear your advice on Ellipsis Assholes too… really… i need that…

  3. Excellent advice all round. Two little tips from experience-

    1) Paracetomol or aspririn help with the muscle cramping that comes with a hefty coke intake, without diminishing the drug’s effect. They’re a good vasodilator alternative for heathens (i.e non beer drinkers).

    2) Munch on some chilis or drink some tobasco if you’ve gone past the happy, euphoric buzz to the quiet, paranoid jitter. Trust me on this one.

    3) Big wads of chewing gum save your teeth and keep you salivating. Cannot recommend enough for a big session.

    Love the blog.

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