So I’m wearing an orange flowy top today and thinking about just how much I resemble a pumpkin. But normal clothes don’t fit me anymore, so I’ve been relegated to wearing what maternity retailers think is fashionable and also what a bunch of my formerly pregnant friends have been kind enough to hand over to me.
What’s more, I’m trying to shine it on through December in the clothes I’ve already got because I really, really, really don’t want to buy anymore maternity clothes in the eighth month. Add to that the fact that we are currently experiencing a change in season and you might understand a little of what I’m going through.
I am currently making do with: three pairs of jeans (two gifted, one purchased), and four pairs of pants (three gifted, one purchased; only two that are even remotely flattering), four long-sleeve t-shirts and one gigantic XL gray maternity hoodie that makes me look like a sea cow.
In my infinite whitegirlness, I was lamenting about the unfairness of it all, when a coworker piped up and said she was actually MAD JELZ of all the cool maternity clothes they make these days. She said back in her day (in the late 80s if I’m accurately dating her), the only jeans they made were all elastic, no pockets, and made you look utterly fat and stupid. (She actually didn’t say that “fat and stupid” part; I added that in myself for flavor).
Of course I nearly gushed: BLOG POST IDEA!
So let’s have a look at how maternity clothes have evolved through the years…
1950s. Loose tops and narrow skirts. The pregnant belly was looked upon as an abomination; basically the equivalent of wearing a shirt reading: “I HAD FUCK TIMES!” You were encouraged to cover it up and stay where people were not forced to imagine you mid-coitus.
From some weird fundie web page I found called Immodest Trends in Maternity Wear (and this is FOR REAL):
“I believe that this sublime body irregularity is an invitation for the mother to be less active socially and stay at home more doing all she can to best influence the small being she is shaping in her womb.”
1955. Debut of the maternity panty.
1960s. Respectable ladies still tried to hide the pregnancy-abomination as much as possible, as evinced below. (I couldn’t find any actual photos of Jackie pregnant, so this shot of Stepford Katie on the set of that “Kennedys” mess will have to do.)
Unrespectable ladies, however, wore whatever the hell they pleased.
And, AR would cry if I wrote about 1960s maternity wear and didn’t reference this:
1970s. Polyester knit separates! Bell-bottoms with long flowy tops, while all the rage, will make even 6’5″, 110-pound ladies look like walruses. GENIUS.
All hail the empire waist of satan!
1980s. Finally…JEANS! But…no pockets! Fuck.
You might think in the very least, a nice, loose dress, while fug, would be comfortable, but you’d be wrong: it just creates the perfect environment for swollen thighs to rub together amid a torrent of sweat. (I’m told.)
1990s-2000s. The empire waist comes back in a big way.
And the pinnacle of modern maternity fashion: the skinny maternity jean. I think the initial intent of this post was to point out how maternity wear has improved over the years…
Not so much.