going all mommy on your ass…

…but just for a few minutes. Bear with me.

There’s a person inside me. A PERSON. Every time I think about this (and how it will be eventually making its way OUT of me), I freak out a little. My husband -while thrilled- does not appear to be as awestruck by the phenomenon of having a kid. Every day or so we have a conversation that goes something like this:

Me: [pointing at basketball-sized belly] “There’s a baby in here. A LIVE person is INSIDE ME. Can you believe that?”

Him: “Yep. Pretty cool.”

Me: “That doesn’t freak you out at all?”

Him: “Nope. It happens to people all the time.”

Me: “We’re going to have a FUCKING BABY.”

Like, as in, not a cat.

We’re almost done with her room (as much as Wrigley would like to think this is all for her), and it is starting to sink in that we’re doing it because there’s going to be a person living in there pretty soon. A PERSON… (repeat freakout).

There are going to be cats in here. Just deal with it.

All that’s missing is a chair that we stupidly waited until now to order and won’t be delivered for 12 weeks. Who’d have thought a damn chair would take 12 weeks? In that time, I could have birthed a litter of kittens.

Anyidratherbebirthingalitterofkittens, we took a class yesterday called Newborn Basics where we learned things like infant CPR, swaddling, bathing and diapering, and what to do if it’s been crying for four hours and you’re contemplating murder-suicide:

Hint: not this.

At the beginning of class we had to introduce ourselves, and share our due date and primary concern about having a baby. I made some crack like, “just not doing something stupid and killing it,” which didn’t really go over that well. A couple of people tittered. I heard one murmur of shock.

Everyone else shared more appropriate concerns like proper hygiene, nutrition, breastfeeding, medical emergencies. One girl said they were doing the cloth diaper thing and she was afraid it was going to be disgusting. (No reason to be scared, hon: it will be disgusting. Move on.)

So I’m really the only one who’s afraid she might trip over one of the cats, fall and crush the baby?

Liars.

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25 thoughts on “going all mommy on your ass…

  1. One of my favorite moments on Sex&the City is when Miranda freaks out on Steve and yells, “STEVE… we’re both afraid we’re going to kill the baby!!” which I believe to be a legitimate concern. And has it started like visibly moving around in there? Like an alien is hibernating in your stomach? Amazing and freakish, all at the same time.

    • Someone at work saw my stomach move in a meeting the other day – it was hilarious and awkward. My doctor said between 28-32 weeks is when they are the most violent because they’re strong enough and haven’t run of space in there yet to really haul off and kick you.

  2. We were talking about you the other day (BECAUSE WE AREN’T CREEPERS OR ANYTHING) and decided we want a reality show about you and the kid. And your comment that “shocked” the class is exactly why. ❀

  3. You know when you hear about people leaving their baby in the car or whatever? I’m totally afraid that I’d do something like that. If I had a kid.

    In other news, your girl’s room looks great! Those bars on the bed seem high enough to keep the boys out for a while… πŸ˜‰

    • I WOULD leave my kid in the car if I was just running in somewhere for a second. IE; checking the PO box or picking up a carryout pizza ordered online. Why bother with the hassle of unstrapping the damn thing, hauling it inside, then getting it all situated again two minutes later? Ridiculous.

      This is one of numerous reasons I shall never be a parent….thank god.

  4. You said what everyone in that class was thinking. … Or maybe they all had really important questions like whether it’s OK to put your newborn in a tanning bed or when is it OK to give the baby Mountain Dew.

  5. My sister is a L&D nurse and she’s all “big deal miracle of birth I see it every day.” But I still think the whole thing is pretty unfriggingbelievable. You’re growing a human – it’s nuts. Sometimes I look down at my (fabulous!) boobs and think to myself, “They’re there so that one day I can make food for my child. A child I grew in my stomach. Will eat food I make in my boobs. ” It really is crazy when you stop to think about it – not in a “every woman in my life is having kids and if I have on more shower I’ll blow my brains out”, but in a ” ok, as a woman, I can create and grow another life in me.”

    Weird.

    Love the nursery!

  6. Of course every single woman in there is afraid of hurting her baby, especially if it’s the first one. They’re liars if they deny it. I would also have to add that I’d be afraid of turning my baby into a serial killer. It’s a legitimate fear.

  7. Side eye to the one who emitted a murmur of shock. “Just not doing something stupid and killing it” seems like it should be any proper parent’s primary concern.

    I am eager to see how the cats respond to a baby. I guess a regular cat would just continue the stereotypical feline routine of detached ambivalence toward any human activity that doesn’t involve filling the food bowl, but maybe your cats are different. Hopefully they interact as in this video, which you’ve probably already seen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LF0Ajlslvuk

    ps. Now I have spent over 10 minutes looking at youtube videos of babies and cats. Quality stuff.

  8. Aren’t guys GREAT? #fail!

    I hope your kitty adjusts well. I have a feeling that my kitties will hate future spawn. πŸ™‚

  9. Your comment is what everyone in that class was thinking so fuck the people that didn’t laugh. I like your nursery. It doesn’t look like Toys R Us puked in it. RESPECT.

  10. I remember when I was preggo with D, it was xmas eve, the hubby was at church with his parents, I was laying in bed watching Elf, belly all exposed and all of a sudden: thump thump. The shit was ALIVE. I was watching D wiggle and dance all over and push my skin into all sorts of directions. I was like, holy shit, this is totally Aliens.
    Yeah, cats are in our kids’ rooms too. Don’t worry, it DOES mean you are an awful parent. Just ask Dr. Laura (not OUR Dr. Laura, THE Dr. Laura!)!! And then punch her in the face πŸ˜› Cribs are too warm and cuddly for cats to NOT be in them at some point during the day. I just blocked them out when the kids were teeny tiny.

    • Hopefully this baby will get me out of Xmas Eve services too! m /
      Yeah, we thought we’d keep them out of there just until the baby can fend for herself and the fat kitty won’t suffocate her.
      Dr. Laura should die in a fire.

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