I suck at blogging

So you can thank Shelby (or slap her in her whore mouth) for what you’re about to read today. I got tagged in one of those thingies that bloggers do and to be honest, I was tickled pink. I COULD pretend like I’m one of those people who says “Oh, I never do this type of thing, but…” (implying I have much more integrity than to stoop to participating in a lowly meme), or simply cannot find the time to goof around due to all of the much more worthy blog content just waiting to spill out of my brain and onto this page. Alas, neither of these is the case, and I am a big fat attention whoring narcissistic megalomanic. So LET’S DO THIS.

Ten things.

1. Lately (more than usual), I suck at blogging.

2. Lately, I’ve been snoring so loudly I wake myself up at night. Aside from the occasional drunken brays, I haven’t snored since I had my tonsils removed my senior year in high school. It was right after Christmas during the winter break, and my mom wouldn’t let me go out on New Year’s Eve. Looking back, this was probably for the best. (No it wasn’t.) I also had four wisdom teeth pulled during spring break my freshman year of college. Come to think of it, I’m feeling like getting body parts extracted was probably my parents’ way of keeping me out of trouble. It would explain the elective appendectomy I had on prom night.

3. Last night, during one of my 15-minute increments of sleeping, I had a dream about running. It was a refreshing departure from my dreams about boozing and my dreams that the baby’s soft spot is actually a big, gaping hole in the back of her head with brain showing through. In my running dream, I remember that my Garmin read 5.47 miles. I don’t even know where my Garmin IS right now. I stopped using it to run because staring at my pace was just too damn depressing. Running in itself actually got so depressing that I have pretty much for all practical purposes stopped doing it. I did run out to my car from the gym last night because it was raining, and yes I counted that as a run.

4. I just remembered I have Pop Tarts in my desk. SCORE.

5. In high school, I was suspended for three days for getting high at school. Or rather, for being high at school, since technically it was probably an hour or so after the initial tokings that a teacher began making side-eyes at me for what I can only assume was a bloodshot, slack-jawed expression of utter bliss on my face. As it turns out, the “YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING” defense doesn’t work for squat when you’re 16 years old and reek of the good shit. They made the school nurse check my pulse, which of course was close to zero, and the rest is history. I graduated with a B average and went on to do incredible things in college for five years.

6. I’ve been trying to buy the domain cheaperthantherapy.com ever since I started this thing; it is currently parked and registered to a firm out of California. If anyone wants to buy it for me as a baby gift, I’ll give you a big fat banner at the top of my blog and I will leave it there forever. Swearsies.

7. I fucking hate raisins.

8. I love country music. The classic gold stuff: Hank Williams, Merle Haggard, [ladies and gentlemen Mr.] Conway Twitty; the 80s pop stuff: John Anderson, Marty Stuart, Dwight Yoakam; the outlaws: Steve Earle, James McMurtry, Ray Wylie Hubbard. Faith Hill and Kenny Chesney do not count as real country and should both die in a fire.

9. I love the name Penny. My husband hates it.

10. This is for Jess:


16 thoughts on “I suck at blogging

  1. Today will forever be known as the day I first saw the video for detachable penis.
    HOW WAS THIS A SONG?!?? The background “detaaachable peeeenis” is my favorite part.

  2. I love that you are having nightmares about the baby’s soft spot. I am pretty positive that if I ever get pregnant I will most likely spend 9 months having irrational nightmares about weird shit.

    • Yah…the idea that her skull plates will not have quite fused together yet is just…creepy. But if they had, her skull would probably shatter my pelvis, so I guess I oughta be grateful.

  3. Penny was ruined for me now that she’s a character on Big Bang Theory. I will forever have Sheldon’s repetitive knocking and going “Penny Penny Penny Penny” in my head when I hear it.

    If you don’t watch the show… you’re welcome…

    And you’re right. Fuckin’ raisins- they always ruin everything.

    • I don’t watch that show, but that actually makes me feel better about it getting vetoed. Another name I liked already got ruined by that “Toddlers & Tiaras” mess. (For the record, I don’t watch the show! I saw a clip on Dlisted.)

  4. I love the name Penny! I like Prudence too. If I have a daughter, she better pop out an elderly woman because that’s the name she’s getting.

  5. For those who are fans of Detachable Penis, check out other awesome King Missile songs like Cheesecake Truck (about a guy who steals a cheesecake truck and eats all the cheesecakes) and Jesus Was Way Cool.

  6. Is Alabama on your list of acceptable country too? I sure hope so, because I want my adoration of them validated.

    Now, I count many shit-pop-country musicians among my guilty-pleasures, but Rascal Flatts, I do not understand. May I respectfully submit their name to the list of Fire Deaths?

  7. I know this is an older post, but i had to comment and say that my husband sung Detachable Penis at a karaoke bar last year. It was a proud moment for me.

  8. Pingback: blowing smoke (and smoke beer) up your ass |

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