almost too pregnant to function

The PC’s been coming on intermittently all weekend and takes anywhere from five minutes to two hours to crash, so I don’t know how much time I have. A hastily purchased laptop should be here on Tuesday.

Sleep has also been coming intermittently. I wake up every 45 minutes and pee no less than five times a night. Sometimes I just lay awake for no reason. This morning, I was up at 5 a.m. and will probably crash again around noon. But it’s nice not to have that panicky feeling when you know you’ve only slept for three hours and your day is going to suck ass.

I’ve been swimming a lot and taking shorter walks around the neighborhood. I can still walk a few miles, but then I have to take a two-hour nap.

I’ve been having very mild and irregular cramping and back pain all week, but I haven’t experienced any of the other signs of impending labor (I’ll let you guess what those are). I also haven’t gained any more weight and pretty much look the same way I did a week ago. I’m not going to say anything cliche like, “It’s finally dawning on me that I’m going to have a baby!” But…fuck. I’m supposed to have a baby next Thursday. If I think about that too much, I freak out.

Instead of practicing my breathing exercises and doing squats and kegels and all that stuff a responsible person would be doing 11 days before her due date, I’ve been working on labor playlists. They include everything from Howlin’ Wolf to Faith No More. I have no idea what kind of “place” I’m going to be in while I’m pushing out my baby friend, so I’m trying to cover all my bases. Inevitably, upon the first contraction, I’ll forget that music even exists and it will remain untouched in my overnight bag while the melodic sounds of my screams echo down the hallway of the maternity ward.

But it’s kind of nice knowing all I really have to do right now is sit around and wait. I can’t tell you how relieved I am that I didn’t go into labor at work or start having contractions during my 20 mile commute in rush hour traffic. I am five minutes from a very dope and swanky hospital full of doctors and surgeons and anesthesiologists and I intend to keep it that way.

I'll probably regret this later.

Call me!


38 thoughts on “almost too pregnant to function

  1. I think you look beautiful. Yeah, yeah, I know…cheesy stupid comment…but you really are beautiful. (Of course, this might have something to do with how desperately I wish that I were huge and fat right now…well, fatter, anyway. And with a baby in my fat stomach instead of just food.)

  2. just think — ANY MOMENT NOW — literally! i just read that the average first time mom goes 41 weeks. not sure if that will comfort you or make you writhe in agony at this point! although the same source said that ‘weight bearing exercisers’ go 5-7 days earlier, on average.

    • Yep, my completely unscientific gut feeling is that she’s not going to be early. And I know a “due date” is somewhat arbitrary but even so, after December 8, I will probably start climbing the walls. Hope you are feeling good!

  3. Unrelated: I like that your breadbox say “bread” on it. When I come to visit I will be sure to look for your crack box because I assume it says “crack” on it.


  4. Holy fuck! Next Thursday?! You’ve got time to do squats and kegels in a week to make up for those pesky 9 months of not.

    Seriously, I think it’s awesome you can swim and I think that should have you covered on your breathing techniques. 🙂


      I hope to write an “I am living proof that you can have a brilliant labor without doing squats and kegels” blog post some time around the end of the month. I probably just screwed myself by saying that, though. Ah well.

  5. This does provide a pretty clear answer to the “Bloat or baby?” question.

    Um, good luck! Pet your cat a lot now so s/he can at least remember the good times.

  6. Awww. So you really are pregnant. It wasn’t just to drive more traffic to your blog. (I hope you at least got more traffic to your blog out of this. Because that’s what’s important.)

  7. Wow – I hope my pregnancy goes as fast as yours seems to have gone by. Maybe I should only think about it once a week or however often you posted.


  8. You look fabulous! Also, holy shit, 38 weeks! Isn’t it the best feeling to be job-free and only have to worry about your pregnant self (and obsessively google signs of labor…) Enjoy it! Oh, and you don’t need to practice breathing; turns out that your body somehow still knows how to do it while in labor.

  9. Are you wearing your husband’s hoodie? I pretty much stole all my husband’s sweatshirts toward the end, and wore only those and yoga pants. You look great, though. Come on out, baby!

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