the giveaway I was born to win

I have nothing to say today. I’m blogging for the sole purpose of getting a bonus entry in Shelby’s giveaway and convincing you that I deserve to win perhaps more than anyone else in the world. Plus, there’s nothing like shanking somebody else’s blog post idea and using it to your own selfish end.

Shelby and I have one thing in common (maybe more than one, ahem, cat twins): shower beer. Well, any beer really, but there is just something really special about having one in the shower. Hedonistic disregard for societal conventions + beer? I’m in. It might even be one of the only reasons I like to run.

So when I saw that Shelby was giving away to two very lucky readers a SHAKOOZIE, I nearly shat. The Shakoozie appears to be the answer to every functioning alcoholic’s beer enthusiast’s prayers.

But mostly mine.

[image source]

The reasons why I deserve this more than you are threefold:

1. I will actually use it. Unlike some others, I will not stuff this nifty little contraption away in a drawer or in the cabinet with the rest of my promotional koozies.
I promise to utilize it daily, or at least on most of the days that I run, as soon as I am no longer breastfeeding.

2. I have experimented with different strategies for drinking beer while washing myself and have been found wanting.

Exhibit A: The tub beer.

Bathtub beers create a very subtle potential for catastrophe.

This looks just fine, except you have only a very small ledge upon which to set your beer, so you run the risk of dropping it into the tub or knocking it off onto the floor. If you’re drinking out of a can, you’re out maybe a couple of bucks; if it’s a glass bottle, you just got yourself a project.

Exhibit B: The shower caddy beer.

There is a very real threat of pouring beer over your head and drinking your shampoo.

I don’t think I even have to point out the risk you run of splashing water and/or shampoo into your beer.

3. Pregnancy pity: I weigh more than my husband, I get 15 minutes of sleep a night and my boobs have more veins than a Chilean copper mine. (You might say they are the VEIN of my existence. HEYOOOO.)

What I’m saying is that you need to go over to Shelby’s blog and tell her you’d like to forfeit your entry. Pretend I’m Rudy and you’re the indifferent college senior who dressed in every game but who just really isn’t into football that much. You want me to wear your jersey in the last game of the season because I am just so goddamn inspiring. Do it now.

Do it or I will sic a thong-clad Sean Astin on you.

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16 thoughts on “the giveaway I was born to win

  1. Step aside bitch. If you win I’ll throw rocks at you. Or something equally dreadful for which I’ll be unlikely to get arrested.

  2. Hilar. Sidenote- I was under the impression that it’s actually good to drink beer while breastfeeding. Something about stimulating milk production. Ew. pretend I never said that.

      • Yes! I read this too! That makes three of us, so it must be true. Also – my mom told me than when she was breastfeeding the advice from the pediatrician was to “be a happy hooker and enjoy a drink while you nurse” because relaxed mother = more milk = happier baby.

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