on my newly acquired fupa

So when you have a baby, you come home from the hospital with a big vacancy formerly occupied by said baby. You probably haven’t worked out in several days or weeks or months, and your ab muscles have separated; basically the tone and definition or your torso does not exist anymore. These factors create the perfect conditions for a fupa.

I have already lost 30 pounds in the three weeks since giving birth (and I don’t even have AIDS, hooray!), but there is still a very pronounced fupal protuberance that I would like to be rid of. (Sidenote: you don’t know how awesome it is to step on the scale and find you’re still losing weight after eating like John Goodman all day long.)

Let’s explore…

Exhibit A: my honeymoon.

Also I had a tan this one time.

I feel obligated to note this photo was taken in 2005, right after I had conveniently stumbled upon a cache of illegal Mexican diet pills (hey, don’t knock ’em until you’ve tried ’em), and I haven’t been that skinny since. Also, the Caribbean (honestly, Red Stripe and rum) causes you to wear things you would not normally wear in real life.

And here’s me now:

Dramatization.

Don’t you love my little pink purse? I put my weed in there. No, but did you really think I was going to put MY fupa on the internet? This isn’t that kind of blog.

I haven’t been cleared by my doctor to do anything other than light low-impact activities like walking and ellipticalling (sp?), but rest assured, as soon as he says the word, I’m going to be a sit-up doing motherfucker, motherfucker.

What other exercises are good for fupas?

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33 thoughts on “on my newly acquired fupa

  1. Liposuction?

    Also I can’t stop staring at your honeymoon outfit. It feels very Olivia Newton John. I will keep this in mind the next time I drink Red Stripe in a hot shower (as I clearly can’t afford a TROPICAL VACAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY).

      • ahahahah. Aw, but that would have been TEH CUTEST. And made for the best, most embarrassing pictures to show your adorable little spawn. ❤

      • I’m hoarding them on the very unlikely chance that a situation may arise in which it’s appropriate to wear them again. A “dress like an asshole” themed party, maybe.

  2. That is some outfit you have on there. I’m hoping there was some theme night you had to buy something from the gift shop for? 30 lbs in three weeks is awesome though, I’m guessing you’re breastfeeding?

  3. My cousin was a skinny bitch again in like, a month all due to breast feeding. Hate her. Sounds like I should hate you, too with the 30 lbs gone.

    My advice? Screw it. Babies are an excuse to get fat. Embrace it while you can.

    • I wasn’t a skinny bitch even before the baby, but I’m now more motivated than ever because I want to run fast again and I think the fupa might get in the way of that.

  4. Situps and crunches are bad for abdominal separation! So says my midwife. Apparently they make it worse, not better? Don’t ask me, I just do what she says. The best tips she gave me were: 1. when you’re lying down, always roll over to your side and get up that way (vs sitting up normally, which requires use of abs); and 2. whenever you sit down, stand up, bend over, or pick something up, squeeze your butt muscles together and pull your navel toward your spine. I swear that one really helps.

    Planks and supermans (supermen?) are good too, in all variations.

    • oh, this is good information, thank you! I read something about not doing sit-ups but I thought it had more to do just with healing than the separation. You seem smarter than me, I’m glad to have you as my lab rat for getting back into shape; =D

  5. Unfortunately, after losing over 100 pounds I have said fupa as well. No matter how many crunches, how much weight I lose, it doesn’t go away. If you figure out a magic cure…let me know!

    • On top of that, it kind of spills over the lip of my surgery incision. Sexy, huh? I don’t REALLY mind it, but it would be nice to fit back into my old jeans, not quite there yet!

  6. I like to imagine that in that little pink purse is a bite-size Butterfinger to snack on and a bubble gum-flavored Lip Smacker, also to snack on.

    • Are we talking about my little pink purse, or “my little pink purse”? Also, bite-size butterfingers are worthless unless you have at least seven of them.

  7. Embrace the fupa. Tell everyone you had your ‘upa surgically enhanced specifically to create said fupa because you’ve always dreamed of being a kangaroo and your mom told you as a wee lass that you could be anything you wanted to be if you set your mind to it.

  8. You know, in Brazil you leave the hospital wearing a girdle, so that your stomach gets back to pre-pregnancy shape quicker, and it works. I don’t get it why in the US they don’t do that as well, it seems that “holding things in place” speeds things up a bit.

    • Ah yeah, and over there you can also opt for a c-section with tummy tuck, since you’re already under, they do it all in one go! (The girdle has nothing to do with the tummy tuck though, everyone wears them)

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