burning questions you aren’t asking

There are probably three main questions on everyone’s mind that I haven’t yet addressed on this blog, namely:

1. How are Marie’s cats adjusting to the new baby?

They’re coping. They spent several days with my parents and mother-in-law in the house while we were at the hospital, so they were already somewhat neurotic (rather, more neurotic than normal) by the time we returned home. Skylar whined a lot in her tiny little pipsqueak whine. Wrigley just sat in a corner and stared with giant black pupils. But once they were permitted to sniff the baby and determine she did not pose a threat to either Wrigley’s Alpha status or Skylar’s perceived Alpha status, they came around. Now, they are back to their usual spoiled-rotten selves and pretty much disregard the baby unless she is screaming, in which case Wrigley leaves the room and Skylar cocks her head to one side and asks, “mow?”

2. Why the hell did Marie, such a smart, attractive and talented blogger, have to go and ruin her blog by having a baby?

That’s a tough one. In my opinion, all the conventional reasons people give for wanting to spawn are stupid: I want to leave my legacy; I want to make a cuddly baby friend to play with; I want to experience the miracle of life; my cats don’t really appreciate me; it’s God’s plan; the Devil needs an heir. Instead of trying to come up with some noble reason for wanting kids, we’re better off admitting it really just boils down to 100 million years of primal fucking instinct. (LITERALLY!) Something in my brain wanted me to make a baby, and it was useless to resist. Also, she is really cuddly and cute and fun to play with. Or, I’m told she will someday be fun to play with. Right now she just kind of stares at me and screws up her face whenever I kiss her.

3. If it weren’t for the Chicago Bulls, would anyone still remember the Alan Parsons Project?

No.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “burning questions you aren’t asking

  1. I’m so glad you’ve cleared all of this up. I’ve been dying to ask you these questions, but didn’t want to appear nosey.

  2. Well I for one will sleep better now that you’ve addressed all this! Thanks in advance. She is pretty cuddly…nice work there.

  3. My mom’s reason for making me a sister: ”You needed somebody to play with, you looked so lonely with your toys, all alone!”. Lame. You’re one of the few moms that are honest. Damn that primal fucking instinct.
    I love the ”The Devil needs an heir” reason though.

  4. LOL ALAN PARSONS PROJECT. I think I’d remember it from Austin Powers 2. But I may be the only one.

    The fact that I have no desire to ever make myself a crotch droplet is proof that evolution is real: NOBODY WANTS ME TO PROCREATE. Though at the same time, why do so many ugly people have kids?

    BRB MUST RESEARCH

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s