because this blog’s sure as hell not going to write itself

I’ve been trying to write a blog post for more than a week now. I sit down, type out a sentence or two, and am either interrupted by baby stuff or by baby-induced writer’s block. I feel like so little -yet so much- has been going on in my life, I don’t know where to start. Because why the fuck would you want me to reiterate -again- how grossly unfit I am for motherhood, or how grossly out of shape I am or how running still make me feel gross?

Then I read a post by my internet bestie, e-pen pal, nyan comrade and would-be lover Angry Runner, titled So Where The Fuck Have You Been and I realized what I had to do:  sit the fuck down and say what’s on my mind and not worry about whether or not I am coming off as clever or prolific or whether I even have a point.

Fuck it.

So, in no particular order, here are some things.

I’ve been drinking a lot of beer. My dear friend, fellow cat enthusiast and beer runner Shelby sent me a baby care package that included some hip and decidedly not paaaank baby digs and also (and this is more important) some beers from her current-soon-to-be-former home state, North Carolina. Aaaand they’re all gone. Already. And I only shared one of them. Because actually? It’s a lot easier to drink a beer with a baby in your arms than it is to eat a sandwich. And as they say, there’s a sandwich in every glass anyhow, so I’m probably breaking even.

Another casualty of motherhood: my sophisticated pallet. I like everything now! These beers might all have sucked ass, I’d never know it. They all tasted like heaven to me. (I guess the true test would be for me to drink a Bud Light Lime, but I can live without a control group for this experiment.)

Workouts, like I said, have been gross. I’ve been doing two mile run/walks and starting to dabble in strength work. The other day I tried to do Level 1 of Jillian’s Yoga Meltdown and I quit after 15 minutes. I can’t do a decent sun salutation anymore. I can’t do a fucking pushup. I can run a mile…at an 11:00 pace. Watch out, Special Olympics! And please also consider this portion of the post my official “FUCK YOU” to all the new moms out there who are all like, “I’m surprised how easy it was to get back into shape after the baby!” and, “I’m already running 30 miles a week!” and “I gave birth five minutes ago and ran home from the hospital!”  Kiss my ass. Eat my shorts. Blow me. Die.

Here’s a recap of the “runs” that got logged. (Assume the ones that didn’t get logged are even worse.)

Jan 19: 1.73 @ 15:32

Jan 22: 1.72 @ 12:24

Jan 25: 2.33 @ 13:19

Jan 27: 2.24 @ 13:25

Jan 29: 2.11 @ 14:53

Feb 3: 1.11 @ 11:11 (SERIOUSLY)

And for comparison’s sake, the last “run” I logged BEFORE the baby was born was on Nov 12: 2.45 @ 17:44. Yay, progress?

Another big “FUCK YOU” goes out to all the new moms who are already back to their pre-baby weight. Suck it. Eat my ass. Fuck your mother. Burn. I’m back in the same awkward limbo of my first trimester: regular clothes are too tight, maternity clothes are too big. And I am NOT buying a larger size anything. I can wear yoga pants around the house and wherever the hell else I decide to go because I am a worthless waste of an unemployed human being), but all my comfy and stylish running clothes are uncomfy and unsightly now that I’m sporting a front butt. And I’m sick of improvising with big t-shirts and cotton pants that get soggy and smell like swamp ass after 45 seconds of exercising.

In case that last paragraph was not illustrative enough, I still hate the way my belly looks. I’m not looking for reassurance or sympathy, so please don’t tell me to give it some time or for the love of vodka, any shit about inner beauty. I never had that great a belly to begin with, but at least I could wear my running clothes without looking like I was hiding Paula Deen’s balled-up fist under there.

The silver lining to all of this fuckery is that I can wear the same sweatshirt every single day of my life and no one’s going to call me into HR for violating the dress code or (and this is more important), the code of common human decency. Now’s where you can finally seethe with envy, folks.

Dap.

Look how "brave" we are.

 

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36 thoughts on “because this blog’s sure as hell not going to write itself

  1. Don’t hate me for saying this, but you are both adorable! AND OMG NO MAKEUP SO BRAVE! Have you considered inventing feminism? Cause someone should really get on that…

    I won’t say anything positive, but if I were going to do so I might mention that after you’ve spent another few weeks exercising you MIGHT find that your clothes fit you again despite having polished off whole bottles of olive oil in the meantime. I’m convinced that The Lactation Diet is going to be the next big thing. Totally non-pregnant women are going to be desperate to lactate. It’s going to be huge.

    • I also need a tan! Give me a Pulitzer!

      [Grudgingly] You’re right about exercising. But I’d prefer if things could stay the way they were in that first month, when I sat on my ass and snuggled with the baby all day and dropped pounds left and right. You also can’t convince me that beer’s not the key to colossal weightloss. =)

  2. I hate the bitches that are back to being fit so quickly after having a baby. It’s unnatural & fuck them. I’ve never gone back to the size I was before Layla was born, & it’s nearly 4 years since her birth. I’ve basically given up on ever being that size again.

  3. ahh the wonderful things i have to look forward to! just the fact that you’re out there running sounds like a success to me. and — don’t kill me, but if i were you (AND I WILL BE PRETTY SOON) i probably WOULD buy a few (cheap-ish) interim outfits. not for permanent use but just for a couple weeks! at the very least even if you wore them for 3 days they’d have a use during the first tri of your next pregnancy ( <– if applicable!)

    • Yeah, you’re right. I was thinking I could troll some clearance racks or hit up TJ Maxx and probably find some decent stuff on the cheap. I’m going to be running all slow and awkward for a few more months, I might as well be comfortable when I’m doing it.

      YAY FOR YOU BEING ME PRETTY SOON! All joking aside: being a mommy totally makes up for having the mom pooge (sp?)

  4. The description of your front butt makes me hot.

    That baby is nearly 2 months old, shouldn’t she be wearing mascara by now? Also, when is her first metal show?

  5. I think you should fashion some sort of apparatus that allows you to both hold a beer AND eat a sandwich while holding this darling snuggle bug.
    I love when I see pictures of moms like a week after giving birth and their gut looks like mine after I eat a big lunch. Life is super fair.

  6. OMG NO MAKEUP?!?!?!?!!?!?! Epic. So brave. A book deal is CLEARLY on your way.

    Your “grossly slow” mile is a pace I still have yet to attain….but then again I keep quitting. And I’m gonna go ahead the pull the “missing internal organs” card, although I highly doubt that is relevant. Only if I was missing my lower extremities.

    Thanks for the cute baby pictures : )

    • Also blog post ideas: links back to OTHER amazing posts you’ve written, an “experiment” about how your baby doesn’t participate in Beauty Habits and what happens when she goes out naked faced, pictures of your POST baby bump – with duck face of course, stories about how you’ve changed the world, gluten-free-vegan recipes, aaaannnnnd your thoughts on the GOP presidental race and a profile on where each candidate stands on each issue. To prove you’re socially concious and all.

      • We’re so in sync! Because I really think items like baby wipes, diaper rash cream, booger suckers and baby oil are a consequence of “baby bias” and I don’t want my daughter to grow up under the strain of society’s expectations of how a baby should look and smell.

  7. What a cute little munchkin!!!!!
    So, I love this post. I love it because it’s honest and REAL. I can’t tell you how many blogs I’ve read where the new moms were miraculous stick-thin and training for a marathon just weeks after giving birth. I am pretty sure that will never be me–I am pretty sure that it will be a struggle to lose the weight and I know most people struggle with that. So thanks for being real.

    • Thanks, dude. Yeah, I don’t have that “bounce right back” type of body. Plus I’m the most impatient person on earth and if I don’t see results after like, 45 minutes, I get all stabby. I know losing the weight is possible though, so I’m going to keep at it. Grudgingly. While cursing and drinking too much. =)

      • It’s true that everyone’s body is different, and there are certainly some superwomen out there, but I give most of those “I ran 9 miles a day while pregnant and ran a marathon two weeks postpartum and now I’m ALMOST TOO SKINNY” blogs some serious side-eye and, additionally, take them with the largest grain of salt ever known to man…I presume that for most of these bitches, the definitions of “running”, “daily,” and “mile” are highly elastic.

  8. You’re kind of my hero. You say all the things that I think, all the time…I’m sitting here 53 weeks post-partum still wearing maternity sweats because they are clean and comfy and don’t dig into the front butt that is still persistently present. You’re right though, being a mommy is worth it 🙂

    • Great minds…? No, but really. If you’re thinking the things I say, you should be ashamed of yourself.

      Something told me to hang onto the maternity sweats instead of throwing them into storage with all the rest of my giant clothes. Glad I did!

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