After finally running out of excuses to keep running on the treadmill, I “ran” outside yesterday like total shit and realized that all a treadmill is good for is having some place to put your water and for giving you a false sense of accomplishment.

I thought after doing a couple of good three milers on the treadmill, surely I could run three miles at a not humiliating pace outside without hurting myself. Especially since I set the treadmill at a 1% incline to simulate outdoor running like all the professional runners do.Here’s me at the gym: Hey, look at me, I’m such a badass, I’m running on this treadmill at a 1% INCLINE because I’m such a fucking badass!

Well, I almost ran three miles outside and I damn near hurt myself.

I started out at what I believed to be a conservative pace (11:00, shut up) that I could maintain for a couple miles before speeding up a bit in the last mile.

You know where this is going.

I held it for a exactly a mile until I turned into the wind and immediately dropped down almost to the 12s. Yeah, the fucking twelves. I got pissed, ran about a tenth of a mile at a 10:30 pace (oops), then dropped back down again. I finished the second mile slower still, and then finally, aching, at around two and some change, I stopped to walk.

I walk/jogged the rest of the way home, feeling like an idiot, sweating buckets, and CHAFING because I’m still too fat to wear the clothes I’m wearing. AND I’m having that post-delivery-crotch-bone-ache thing. Joy.

Yeah, it was hot. And I, like a dumbass, waited until the hottest part of the non-climate-controlled outside time of day to go running. And  yeah, it was a little windy. But I’m not going to make excuses. What it boils down to is that I am an out of shape pussy bitch and if I’m ever going to learn to run again, I need to ditch the treadmill and starting running for real(z, yo).

So, new plan, AND YOU GUYS, HOLD ME TO THIS: No more running on the treadmill like a little bitch. I’d say that I’m going to put on my big-girl panties, but I truly hate that expression and everyone who uses it, and I also hate panties.

But I love you.



19 thoughts on “damaged

  1. Ohhhhh…this makes me feel a bit better. All of my shitty runs have been outside and I was thinking you were a badass because you were healing faster than me. (Note: You are still a badass that is healing faster than me. Plus you got a baby. All I got was…well, nothing but a shitload of bills. Did you know docs charge per tumor removed?) Yesterday I finally did 3 whole miles in a not SUPER embarrassing time. 5 months later. I suppose we all heal differently.

    Does your incision still hurt when you run? Mine does. My doc says it may be “irritated” for up to a year as well as swelling. FML.

    • More than $30k to have a baby, including drugs, surgery, hospital stay AND THEY CHARGE YOU FOR THE BABY’S HOSPITAL STAY even though I was the one feeding her and changing her. They didn’t do jack shit but take her vitals every two hours, usually timed to when one of us had just fallen asleep. Praise Jesus for our shitty overpriced health insurance.
      Yeah, the incision still hurts and I hope to vodka its still swollen too, otherwise I’m going to look first-tri pregnant for the rest of my life.

      • I would think you get a bulk discount on the tumors or something.

        Hopefully, I’ll find the post-it note while sitting on the toilet somewhere.

  2. Running on the treadmill means you have accomplished…running on the treadmill. (For some reason this reminds me of one of my most annoying colleagues ever who never stopped caressing her arm muscles while talking about how she could run four miles in 28 minutes on the treadmill. Then we ran a 5k and it took her 29 minutes.)

    Anyway. You will get faster! There’s no rush, is there?

  3. Hey, I say run on the treadmill if that is what’s satisfying right now and will get you moving.

    You’ve probably got more than enough going on just trying to keep up with an infant. The fitness will work it’s way back whether you’re logging the miles on the treadmill or outside. If running outside is going to be totally discouraging on a particular day, you’re not a loser for hitting up the treadmill instead. It’s all miles and sweat in the bank and it all makes you stronger.

    Also, jesus christ do I hate the term ‘big girl panties.’

  4. You know what saying I hate? “Pick yourself up by your bootstraps”. What boots have straps and I don’t think the straps will hold me. Anyway, pick yourself up by your bootstraps and run outside.

  5. Hey I know you said you HATE it. But coming off injury (which is not dissimilar to coming back from birthing babies) I have found the Run-Walk to be a blessing in disguise. Recovery, Mental stamina, it works on many levels for me. I do a 4:1 R:W when I start off, and I think, 2 weeks (not that you should rush it!) of that and you will be back to ass-kicking shape. Assuming your baby lets you sleep. And you manage to not have milk leaking from your body parts. (Problems I severely faced in those days). And of course the treadmill was fairly worthless for me as well in those days. By those days I mean the baby days not my recent injury days.

    • You’re right! I’m just SO DAMN impatient. In my stupid mind, 2 miles of running > 4 miles of run/walking, even though I get why it works. I did start off run/walking but then I thought I was too good for it, too soon. Overconfident and underprepared = story of my life.

  6. Pingback: finishing strong and other things that are overrated |

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