After finally running out of excuses to keep running on the treadmill, I “ran” outside yesterday like total shit and realized that all a treadmill is good for is having some place to put your water and for giving you a false sense of accomplishment.
I thought after doing a couple of good three milers on the treadmill, surely I could run three miles at a not humiliating pace outside without hurting myself. Especially since I set the treadmill at a 1% incline to simulate outdoor running like all the professional runners do.* Here’s me at the gym: Hey, look at me, I’m such a badass, I’m running on this treadmill at a 1% INCLINE because I’m such a fucking badass!
Well, I almost ran three miles outside and I damn near hurt myself.
I started out at what I believed to be a conservative pace (11:00, shut up) that I could maintain for a couple miles before speeding up a bit in the last mile.
You know where this is going.
I held it for a exactly a mile until I turned into the wind and immediately dropped down almost to the 12s. Yeah, the fucking twelves. I got pissed, ran about a tenth of a mile at a 10:30 pace (oops), then dropped back down again. I finished the second mile slower still, and then finally, aching, at around two and some change, I stopped to walk.
I walk/jogged the rest of the way home, feeling like an idiot, sweating buckets, and CHAFING because I’m still too fat to wear the clothes I’m wearing. AND I’m having that post-delivery-crotch-bone-ache thing. Joy.
Yeah, it was hot. And I, like a dumbass, waited until the hottest part of the non-climate-controlled outside time of day to go running. And yeah, it was a little windy. But I’m not going to make excuses. What it boils down to is that I am an out of shape pussy bitch and if I’m ever going to learn to run again, I need to ditch the treadmill and starting running for real(z, yo).
So, new plan, AND YOU GUYS, HOLD ME TO THIS: No more running on the treadmill like a little bitch. I’d say that I’m going to put on my big-girl panties, but I truly hate that expression and everyone who uses it, and I also hate panties.
But I love you.