Operation Glutenful

So it turns out I am one of three remaining people on the planet who still tolerates gluten. Hell, I not only tolerate the shit…

But a bunch of people are trying to tell me that gluten is responsible for everything that’s wrong with me:

  • Weight gain
  • Weight loss
  • Fatigue
  • Sadness
  • Irritability
  • Farting
  • Explosive diarrhea
  • Fat

Friends, I’ll not be so easily swayed. It’s my contention that a diet heavy in rye, barley, wheat and yes, plenty of OATS(!) is what my body craves. Gluten is not the disease, it’s the cure!

Let’s explore.

First of all, I have been eating gluteny things for pretty much my whole life, and look how great I am.

Oh, are you taking a photo of me? You caught me completely unaware! I mean, it's not like I even just handed you my camera and asked you to take a photo of me.

Two, beer has gluten in it, and I’ve never regretted a beer, ever. (I have often, however, regretted seventh beers.)

Wheat makes you beautiful.

Three, gluten has definitely helped me become a faster runner! When I have a meal that is heavy in gluten, it’s almost like I’m wearing a jet pack!

Plus, have you ever noticed how diarrhea totally gives you that sinewy, gaunt look?

Tara Reid knows what I'm talking about.


And four, that gluten “brain fog” they’re always talking about really isn’t such a bad thing. It’s kind of like being stoned, and a lot cheaper!

If you’re wondering how to get started, this traditional Mexican-American fare of fajitas, quesadillas and tortilla chips are a tasty and gluten-full treat.

Gluten and gluten with a side of gluten. And some bean dip.

You might think that corn tortillas wouldn’t have a lot of gluten in them, but these are special corn-wheat tortillas (for real), which I think are lighter and fluffier than regular corn tortillas. And a surefire way to tell if there’s gluten in something is if it’s fluffy!

Anyway, all this talk about gluten is making me hungry for more gluten! Off I go!

Do you like gluten? What kinds of gluteny things do you like to eat? 


24 thoughts on “Operation Glutenful

  1. Cookies. And Cake. And Brownies. And Beer. And those breads and rolls on the table at a restaurant. And soy sauce. And sushi. And pastries. And pasta. And more beer.

  2. Did you know that “gluten roasts” and “gluten steaks” exist? It’s like making a freakin’ PIECE OF BEEF out of gluten. You should totally attempt making one and show us pictures of you rolling around in gluten on your kitchen floor. Talk about food porn.

  3. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but oats are gluten free. The only reason they aren’t all labeled that way is because of possible cross contamination from other gluten foods. I realize that you may now forgo oats for life and I take full responsibility and accept all consequences.

  4. Aren’t some of the same people who won’t eat gluten the people who were preaching about whole wheat everything a few years back? GLUTEN FA LYYFE

  5. They should change the premise of “Scared Straight” and instead of taking troubled youth through prisons, show them that picture of Tara Reid.

  6. If I couldn’t eat bread fresh out of the oven with warm butter melting on each and every slice, I don’t think I would want to live anymore.
    Hey, does anybody else enjoy chocolate when drinking beer or am I the only one on the planet with that twisted craving?

  7. Pingback: unholy pancakes | Cheaper Than Therapy

  8. Seriously. What’s up with the gluten-free, cross-fitting, paleo-eating, vegetable-juicing nut jobs out there? I just imagine they have really horrible smelling farts. Non-stop. And possibly a lot of sharting as they do 480 reps of 500 pound dead-lifts.

  9. Pingback: 737 not down over ABQ | Cheaper Than Therapy

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