what happened, I blacked out.

So the thing is, I made the very bad decision to accompany my husband on a business trip all the fuck the way across the country to the grunge capital, Seattle. With the baby. I know a lot of people have made the very bad decision to fly across the country with a baby much earlier, but I have shown uncharacteristically good judgment until now. Of course, it had to end some time. But it’s a really nice hotel and I don’t get out much SO THROW ME A FRICKIN’ BONE HERE. I also even somehow scammed me some free WiFi in the room which is how I am talking to you right now.

I started writing a post before we left about all my baby-travel anxieties, and never ended up finishing it, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway, as well as what actually ended up happening. (Spoiler: I was pretty fucking spot-on.)

Before we left: I have never breastfed in public. A lot of people who are busier and more popular than me have breastfed in restaurants, football stadiums, cars, gas station bathrooms, Greyhound buses and crack dens and handled it just fine, but I never have. Since we’ll be in airports and in transit for the better part of the day, the milk is going to have to go somewhere or else my fucking tits will explode. A super, duper, duper way to break my public breastfeeding cherry. It’s just a shame I can’t be drunk while I’m doing it.

What actually happened: Breastfeeding in public sucks. Even more so on an airplane. But I got through it and so did Kenzie and so did the poor hipster college kid who had the misfortune of sitting next to us on the four-hour flight from ORD to SEA. I used one of those nursing cover/apron thingies and I think it was pretty discreet. Or it would have been discreet if Kenzie had not insisted on grabbing it and pulling it off me every five seconds. To the old man on his way to the john who got a peep of my right nipple: pay me.

She's going to pee all over that top in about 15 minutes.

Before we left: I’m just worried about being the asshole on the plane with the screaming baby. I never had a lot of sympathy for those people in my former life and I pretty much feel the same way now. But my baby has never been fussy, or a screamer, and my theory is that if you know your baby well enough, you don’t have to be that asshole. I’m hoping I prove myself right.

What actually happened: I love being right. She was so, so good! She didn’t cry once, and the one time she started to get whiny, I just put my tit in her mouth and she shut right up (that trick works with just about anyone, really). The altitude didn’t seem to cause her ears any discomfort at all. She did have an outfit-changing blowout on the plane and then the second time I changed her, she peed all over the new outfit so she arrived in Seattle wearing a hoodie and a diaper. Classy!

Before we left: I am nervous about messing with the baby’s very delicate sleep schedule, and if there’s one thing the Pacific Northwest is notorious for, it’s being in the Pacific time zone. So when we get there at 5 p.m., it’s basically going to be her bedtime. This makes it extremely fucking likely she’ll be up for the day at 3 a.m.

What actually happened: She did wake up at 3 a.m., but I somehow coaxed her back to sleep until 5:30.

Before we left: We have to sleep in the same room as the baby for the first time since her birth. (I think I maybe mentioned a while back that Kenzie fucking hated the bassinet, so we put her in her crib around the second week and she’s slept in there ever since.) I’m assuming she’ll hate whatever deathtrap baby bed the hotel provides us.

What actually happened: She hated the deathtrap baby bed the hotel provided us and ended up sleeping in between us in the grownup bed. Also, since she sacked out so early, we were relegated to eating takeout in the room, whispering, and watching TV with the sound muted. But a tired, cranky baby can ruin your life, so for purely selfish reasons, we do whatever it takes to make sure she’s well-rested and happy.

Where she slept for approximately 15 minutes.

What’s actually going on right now: We had fun this morning exploring the waterfront and Pike Market, and now she’s taking a nap–SCORE! This evening, I’m having dinner with one of my Seattle friends, and tomorrow, meeting up with my cousin. See you back in EDT. Please think happy thoughts for our return flight, and if you wind up in the seat next to me, bring some singles.

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22 thoughts on “what happened, I blacked out.

    • Bottle for the baby, beer for you, and you’ll do fine. Hope your good husband is going along too? Mine was a lifesaver, mostly for carrying all the shit.

  1. “I just put my tit in her mouth and she shut right up (that trick works with just about anyone, really).”

    I’m using this the next time I’m at a wedding shower and I’m asked to submit “Words of wisdom for the bride and groom!”

  2. You have a talent for making me laugh out loud – I’m sure my coworkers wonder why I’m snorting in my cubicle. Bold move on braving the flight to SeaTac; hope the trip home is just as solid!

  3. My best flight yet has been next to a baby…it was SW so seats were free for all – mom and baby took the window, I took the aisle. No one wanted the window. Score!

    But yeah, the thought of taking a baby on a plane would scare me shitless…hopefully your flight home goes just as swell! 🙂

  4. The baby is so g.d. cute.

    I want to be one of those moms that takes her baby places and has mom lunches with her mom friends. Then I remember I have two. Glad the trip went well! The hour drive I made by myself with mine on friday took years off my life.

  5. “..bring some singles.” You are so funny. You’ll be fine, got to do these things sometime right? Enjoy your trip, and don’t worry so much!

  6. What? No Seattle blogger meet up at Whole Foods so we can eat overpriced salad and take pictures of ourselves and our babies for the blog? I’d totally have been there!

    • Do transatlantic flights usually leave at night? Maybe he’ll sleep a lot. My biggest advice is whatever you’re feeding him, have a lot of it. The breastfeeding was awkward (at least I had the window) but it was a lifesaver. And it’s good you and dad are going together. A family friend of ours took her newborn to freaking Australia by HERSELF (her husband was there on business for 2 months). I guess they survived but rumor has it her hair turned completely white. 😉

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  10. Pingback: hey breastfeeding moms, nobody cares | Cheaper Than Therapy

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