I read way too much shit on the Web about babies. You guys can argue amongst yourselves about whether that means I am insecure or just have too much time on my hands. Either way, I’ve found the myriad forums, blogs and pseudo-scholarly articles will only ever a) confirm your worst suspicions b) shatter your confidence or c) give you a false sense of superiority, and if you read them long enough (seven months should do it), you’re going to come across some common themes (precisely 11 of them, isn’t that convenient?). I was nice enough to jot them down for you, have a look.
On being present. You strive to thoroughly absorb every moment of your baby’s precious existence but life is so demanding! Luckily you still manage to savor every blessed burp and fart.
Baby products we don’t really need. Now that you’ve examined every baby product on the market, you’re required to make some kind of meaningful commentary about how many of them are unnecessary. What’s that? I don’t really need a wipe warmer? Somebody notify the Pentagon!
The TMI breastfeeding post. Not complete without a photo of you serenely nursing your baby in a car or ballpark or airport with discreet manual focus blurring around the nipple area.
On how pregnancy or childbirth is like running a marathon. Let me guess: at some point you hit a big metaphorical wall and then power through it to the finish?
Your thoughts on natural childbirth. You pushed out a baby with no drugs! Or maybe you opted for the heavy narcotics! Congratulations, you still serve no purpose!
On how you’re totally at peace with your fat, grotesque, deformed post-pregnancy body. Totally at peace. You couldn’t care less about your post-pregnancy body. You’re fine with it! Look at how totally at peace you are with your body right now. You’re not even thinking about your body. Nope!
A day in the life. Because your daily routine of getting puked on and emptying the dishwasher is utterly unique and fascinating.
I’m not perfect! We’re not perfect! Let’s all rejoice in our imperfection! This vapid confession by a non-parent would evoke responses along the lines of no shit asshole, but somehow as a parent, admitting you’re human is admirable and brave.
Expert travel tips. So you’ve been on an airplane with a baby and you’ve learned the main objective is to keep the baby quiet and content and clean and well-fed? Hold on, let me grab a pen…
Struggling with your new identity as a mom. Your career’s in the toilet and nobody calls you anymore and you never saw it coming. Luckily in this catastrophic lack of foresight, there’s a heart-wrenching blog post.
In the voice of your baby. Last night I woke up 11 times and mommy locked herself in the bathroom and cried yayyyy! The only thing worse than this is a post in the voice of your dog.
Anything I’ve left out?