11 obnoxiously overused mommy blog posts

I read way too much shit on the Web about babies. You guys can argue amongst yourselves about whether that means I am insecure or just have too much time on my hands. Either way, I’ve found the myriad forums, blogs and pseudo-scholarly articles will only ever a) confirm your worst suspicions b) shatter your confidence or c) give you a false sense of superiority, and if you read them long enough (seven months should do it), you’re going to come across some common themes (precisely 11 of them, isn’t that convenient?). I was nice enough to jot them down for you, have a look.

On being present. You strive to thoroughly absorb every moment of your baby’s precious existence but life is so demanding! Luckily you still manage to savor every blessed burp and fart.

Baby products we don’t really need. Now that you’ve examined every baby product on the market, you’re required to make some kind of meaningful commentary about how many of them are unnecessary. What’s that? I don’t really need a wipe warmer? Somebody notify the Pentagon!

The TMI breastfeeding post. Not complete without a photo of you serenely nursing your baby in a car or ballpark or airport with discreet manual focus blurring around the nipple area.

On how pregnancy or childbirth is like running a marathon. Let me guess: at some point you hit a big metaphorical wall and then power through it to the finish?

Your thoughts on natural childbirth. You pushed out a baby with no drugs! Or maybe you opted for the heavy narcotics! Congratulations, you still serve no purpose!

On how you’re totally at peace with your fat, grotesque, deformed post-pregnancy body. Totally at peace. You couldn’t care less about your post-pregnancy body. You’re fine with it! Look at how totally at peace you are with your body right now. You’re not even thinking about your body. Nope!

A day in the life. Because your daily routine of  getting puked on and emptying the dishwasher is utterly unique and fascinating.

I’m not perfect! We’re not perfect! Let’s all rejoice in our imperfection! This vapid confession by a non-parent would evoke responses along the lines of no shit asshole, but somehow as a parent, admitting you’re human is admirable and brave.

Expert travel tips. So you’ve been on an airplane with a baby and you’ve learned the main objective is to keep the baby quiet and content and clean and well-fed? Hold on, let me grab a pen…

Struggling with your new identity as a mom. Your career’s in the toilet and nobody calls you anymore and you never saw it coming. Luckily in this catastrophic lack of foresight, there’s a heart-wrenching blog post.

In the voice of your baby. Last night I woke up 11 times and mommy locked herself in the bathroom and cried yayyyy! The only thing worse than this is a post in the voice of your dog. 

Anything I’ve left out?

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34 thoughts on “11 obnoxiously overused mommy blog posts

  1. You need to send these to a mommy blogger network. Asap. Please. If anything, do it for the childless bloggers. We need you.

  2. Ha! Love this. I think you may have forgotten the one about how it changed your relationship in new and unexpected ways, not to mention how you view your partner because he’s so great at being a daddy!

  3. Welp, there goes my next 11 posts!

    I think I managed to combine some of those on your list in my last blog post…from June. I have started a post about 3 times now and can’t manage to finish. Besides having ZOMG two babies, being a mom is pretty normal so far.

    By the way, for keeping my babies happy for less than $20, the wipe warmer is the shiz.

    • There with ya! With just one kid, though. I’ve got about 18 draft posts from the last few months that haven’t made it past the first sentence. This one took me three days to write. Oh well, we have other good qualities. Like huge boobs! WOO?

  4. I think you left out posting a picture of your baby. That is not cool.

    I don’t think I’ve crossed any lines. Yet. (Except an abbreviated “day in the life” but hopefully I’m not too lame.

  5. I think I need to go write a post about the day in the life of my cat, with the cat’s voice. Then I can be cool. Oh, wait, first I need to start calling it my furbaby. 🙂

  6. I think you left out the one about “how much of an amazing father/ass-wiper/hard-working guy my husband is and we NEVER EVER fight”. Come on. That’s like saying your toddler’s shit doesn’t stink.

  7. You mean those babies don’t actually write those posts?
    Another personal favorite in my own life is when babies send me hand written thank you cards. And by favorite, I mean it makes me hate their parents.

      • how about advise on how a second (and third and fourth) baby makes a lot of sense to have because ‘it raises itself’ Yeah right. They clearly haven’t accounted for the monster genes that went into making my monster child. ha.

  8. Pretty much any “How to XX with a baby!” You got travel, but what about exercise, work, write, eat, shit, cook, shop, bang? I assume that all of these things are completely new human experiences when you have a small baby, and obviously the most appropriate people to give advice on the subject are those that have, like, two months of experience.

  9. You forgot the one about how great your baby sleeps and offer tips for us zombie sleep deprived parents who never thought to put their baby to sleep in a dark room when the baby is tired.

    • THAT is why I had to stop reading mommy blogs. Probably I’m just a spaz but I’d flip out reading that somebody else’s kid rolled over before mine, started cutting teeth, crawled, etc. Another thing, off topic-ish, it puts me in a rage whenever a mom is like, “breastfeeding has always been soooo easy for us, yayyyyy.” I have issues, I know.

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  11. also entirely guilty of several. but [also guiltily] i also kind like READING some of these post topics. but definitely not all. ‘in the voice of your baby’ and ‘i love my postpartum body’ = gag me with a tiny silicone-covered spoon . . .

  12. ZOMG I agree with all these! Being a mom IS great but don’t sugar coat it and make it sound like it never sucks donkey balls.

    • After the time I had last night–THREE wakeups, the last one taking two hours before she went back to sleep–it was nice too see this comment! Total donkey balls, yes. ❤

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