So in my previous life, whenever one of you people would bitch and moan about your kid, my reaction was pretty much this:
Because you had the kid. It didn’t just drop out of the sky and land in your lap. You wanted to experience the miracle of childbirth and you thought it would be fun to make a person who would undoubtedly turn out as cool as you think you are and you probably thought it would be so so cute to hold a little baby in your arms and sing stupid songs to it and have it like you and learn stuff from you.
You dumb bastard.
You might think after experiencing this miracle myself I’d have gained some perspective, or at least a little sympathy, but I pretty much still think people who complain about their babies are assholes.
And now I find myself with an almost-8-month-old who will not for the love of vodka go to sleep, and as I wrestle her into the crib as she screams and claws my face to ribbons, I want to simultaneously laugh at how cute she is and cry and blow my brains out because SHE WILL NOT GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. (Yeah, there’s a reason that book is a bestseller, and it’s a shame it’s such a great book because it’s not even funny to me anymore.)
No one can tell you exactly what to do to make a baby go to sleep. All those goddamn classes we took and books we read and I still do not have one iota of helpful information except that bringing your baby to bed with you will either kill it or ruin it for life. All anyone can really do is reassure you that you’re not alone and your baby is probably not psychotic. Which…is kind of worse because then you’re like fuck, this is NORMAL??
It’s a game of who’s going to break first, and the baby always wins.
Anyway, that’s the long version of why you haven’t seen a blog post from me in nearly two weeks. My adorable kid who has decided to no longer sleep has been occupying my attention from 6 a.m. until 10 or 11 at night, and during those exceptional periods when she does go to sleep, I do stupid things like drink coffee and go running. But at least I’m expending energy that might otherwise be used to throttle her.
You know who else I don’t feel any sympathy for? All you blissfully ignorant mothers of newborns who go around saying how your baby is SUCH a good sleeper. I feel it’s my legacy as a mom of a slighter older child to sit back smugly and laugh at you, because your time will come.
You dumb bastard.