you dumb bastard

So in my previous life, whenever one of you people would bitch and moan about your kid, my reaction was pretty much this:

Because you had the kid. It didn’t just drop out of the sky and land in your lap. You wanted to experience the miracle of childbirth and you thought it would be fun to make a person who would undoubtedly turn out as cool as you think you are and you probably thought it would be so so cute to hold a little baby in your arms and sing stupid songs to it and have it like you and learn stuff from you.

You dumb bastard.

You might think after experiencing this miracle myself I’d have gained some perspective, or at least a little sympathy, but I pretty much still think people who complain about their babies are assholes.

And now I find myself with an almost-8-month-old who will not for the love of vodka go to sleep, and as I wrestle her into the crib as she screams and claws my face to ribbons, I want to simultaneously laugh at how cute she is and cry and blow my brains out because SHE WILL NOT GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. (Yeah, there’s a reason that book is a bestseller, and it’s a shame it’s such a great book because it’s not even funny to me anymore.)

No one can tell you exactly what to do to make a baby go to sleep. All those goddamn classes we took and books we read and I still do not have one iota of helpful information except that bringing your baby to bed with you will either kill it or ruin it for life. All anyone can really do is reassure you that you’re not alone and your baby is probably not psychotic. Which…is kind of worse because then you’re like fuck, this is NORMAL?? 

It’s a game of who’s going to break first, and the baby always wins.

Anyway, that’s the long version of why you haven’t seen a blog post from me in nearly two weeks. My adorable kid who has decided to no longer sleep has been occupying my attention from 6 a.m. until 10 or 11 at night, and during those exceptional periods when she does go to sleep, I do stupid things like drink coffee and go running. But at least I’m expending energy that might otherwise be used to throttle her.

You know who else I don’t feel any sympathy for? All you blissfully ignorant mothers of newborns who go around saying how your baby is SUCH a good sleeper. I feel it’s my legacy as a mom of a slighter older child to sit back smugly and laugh at you, because your time will come.

You dumb bastard.


24 thoughts on “you dumb bastard

    • Oh, twins. You’ll have to let me know how that goes at 8 months. One theory about the shitty sleeping around this time is separation anxiety, so maybe they will keep each other company! Probably not though. 😉

      • I hope your theory proves right. Ugggh. I never say “oh they are such good xyz’ers!” because I am convinced that saying anything out loud causes the exact opposite to happen.

  1. I love this…it gives me hope for parenthood in so many ways. Seriously, I’ll never, ever be the fancy pants mom a lot of bloggers come off as. But a mom that wants to read my kid about book to go the fuck to sleep…yup, that is me. Maybe – should we ever get around to spawning brats – I won’t be the world’s worst mom after all! 🙂

  2. omg yes. The worst part is when you realize it’s actually normal. Uuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhh. We never had any reason to claim our guy was a “good sleeper” but I will say that for the last few weeks (since around the time he turned 9 months) things have taken a distinct turn for the better. Hang in there…

      • Not gonna lie, a couple of times I actually comforted myself with the thought that I could actually get on a plane anytime and move back to the US…alone. Shortly after that it did get better. Coincidence? Hm.

  3. So, I went to hang out with my friends and their 2 month old the other day. (They bribed me with pizza.) They were just saying how awesome their baby is and he doesn’t cry blah blah blah. THe minute I walked into the house, he started crying. He continued to cry the ENTIRE 2 hours I was there.

    I should show them this.

  4. seriously. the number i times i considered buying some kind of sleeping draught and screw the long term effects. hang in there, she ought to tire of this game soon… and start something else more or less equally annoying…

    • Hahaha, yes! I gave her baby tylenol one night because I thought it might be her tooth, but that didn’t do jack squat, but looking back that’s probably a good thing. “Oh, yeah, our 14 year old won’t go to sleep without a dose of tylenol, a bad habit we started at 7-1/2 months…”

  5. So I know the last thing you want is another damn book to read. BUT, after 18 (EIGHTEEN) months of not sleeping more than 3 consecutive hours, I read The Dream Sleeper by Herman & Ryan. It was really helpful for a toddler who won’t sleep in his own bed, wakes up all night and the gets up to party for the day at 5:15 am. People seriously ask me when we’re having #2.Let me sleep with one and maybe I’ll think about considering it!

    • Sounds promising, maybe I can force myself to read ONE more book. The girl who cuts my hair said her kindergartner still won’t sleep alone, so I definitely don’t want to make THAT mistake. But it’s hard to be reasonable when it’s 3 a.m. and you’re desperate..;)

    • Caitlin, I don’t know if you’ll see this but I just wanted to tell you I got that book and I’m probably jumping the gun here because I’m only on Ch. 4 but I am already so excited about it. Really makes sense about eliminating the negative associations. She usually goes to bed at 9:30 p.m. or LATER so if we could get her down by 7 or 8 it would completely change my life! Thanks for the recommendation!

  6. Pingback: the tired miles |

  7. None of my 5 kids were good sleepers. Somewhere after 27 months they started to be OK. It was no fun and if I had to do it over I”d space them each 7 yrs apart!! LOL but very true!

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