the tit situation or, a fuck my life/TMI breastfeeding post

I wholeheartedly apologize for what you’re about to read. I hate that I wrote it and posted it on the internet, but my rationalization is that it somewhat has to do with running and this blog is already in the toilet anyway. (And if you could stomach Shelby’s welty feet, you might get through this without cringing and urping. But probably not.) Consider this your fair warning. Oh, and all you catbitches who may use this as an opportunity to smugly remark this is why I will never have children, just…save it for next time, okay?

So I ran nine miles last Saturday, my longest run since Kenzie was born. I’ve done some sevens and eights, so adding one more mile didn’t seem like that big a deal, but apparently just 5280 more feet was all it took to give me a pretty respectable case of nipple chafe. I know. Sorry to all of you people who know me in real life. We don’t have to make eye contact anymore if you don’t want to.

I have a whole arsenal of sports bras that were perfectly supportive when I was a B cup, but now that I am hosting ZZs, I usually wear two of them. This has worked out just fine for my shorter runs, but again, in case you skipped over that last paragraph: 5280 more feet. All over. Do you know where I’m going with this? So then every time I breastfed, it escalated the tit situation. We reached the pinnacle over the weekend when my husband and I were in Missouri visiting the grandparents. I had to head on over to the Wal-Marts to pick up some soothing gel pads and nipple butter. I understand if you never want to read this blog again.

I’ve been breastfeeding the last couple of days with my eyes shut and my teeth clenched and I’ve been making it through, but this morning I really didn’t think I could handle another session, so I decided to use the shield they gave me at the hospital when I was first learning how to nurse. The only problem is that now Princess Only-Actual-Nipples-For-Me-Thanks has become accustomed to only actual nipples and she wouldn’t have anything to do with that shitty silicone shield. She made a face, glanced up at me with a look like what the shit? and then she bit me. Hard. So hard I screamed, which freaked her out. Then we both started crying. I’ll give you a minute to hold yourself and cry too…

Gah. I just can’t believe all this is happening (while Lauren is away) after NINE MONTHS of perfectly normal breastfeeding. AND after recently dropping down from five feedings a day to four. Things should be getting easier, not harder.

The lucky part is that my supply still hasn’t adjusted to the fewer feedings, so I have a shit ton of extra milk in the freezer. Right now I’m using that and pumping only as often as I absolutely have to (which still sucks but it sucks less than nursing and I don’t have to do it as often), giving my tits a break and with any luck allowing them to heal. But it’s a pain in the ass. I cannot emphasize this enough: IT IS A COLOSSAL FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS. So now you know more about me than you could ever hope to want to know. Congratulations.

I’d love to go on about this some more but I’ve already broken the first covenant of mommy blogging by admitting I OMG DON’T LOVE breastfeeding, and broken my own #1 rule of life and human decency by writing about all this shit on the internets, and also there’s a beer and some painkillers calling my name.

 

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31 thoughts on “the tit situation or, a fuck my life/TMI breastfeeding post

  1. But did she shit on your tits?

    Unknowing advice from an non-mom to follow: if it gets to be horribly uncomfortable, is it out of line to consider weaning her at this point? “Six months” is the health-dept recommended minimum and most (non-crazy-crunchy) moms go to a year…right? You’ve been a champ so far. I feel like if it’s painful, you should give yourself a break.

    Feel free to ignore if this is the sort of non-parent advice that parents regard as irrelevant, I understand. 🙂

    :::avoids eye contact and secretly wonders if this “nipple butter” would be worth seeking out for the winter dry season:::

    • It’s a legit question, and believe me, I thought about it. But it’s a process. I would have to keep feeding/pumping for a few days anyway to avoid infection/abscess (and a huge hormone dump that might lead to a killing spree!) And I decided in the time it would take to properly wean, I’d be healed anyway. Plus (and this might make me sound like a mommy martyr but whatever), I had my heart set on breastfeeding for 12 months so that I could wean her straight onto whole milk vs. onto formula, which, there’s NOTHING wrong with formula, but since I am home and have two functioning (well, semi-functioning at this point) tits, I had hoped to avoid using it. It’s also expensive and I am a cheap-ass. Plus, have you heard about this lactation diet? #fatfluential

      The nipple butter stuff is great fun. I’ve never had a problem with chafing on my runs until now, but I’ll definitely keep this shit handy should the need arise in the future.

  2. omg OUCH. Um, for whatever it’s worth, when I had a similar gross nipple situation early in the breastfeeding days, the midwife told me to a) not wear a bra, and b) air out my boobs whenever possible. Srsly. So I walked around the house in an unbuttoned button-down and it actually did seem to help. I mean…the baby doesn’t care and it’s not like there’s anyone else around. Just remember to button up before you answer the door.

    There are going to be so. many. perverts. all over this one…

    • Oh, they’re out and they’re loving every minute of it. (Do you guys get Seinfeld reruns in Germany?)

      Between this and my bunion posts I’m sure I’ve attracted every fetishist in the country.

  3. that was SO much less disgusting than shelby’s feet 🙂

    maybe try those hydrogel pads!? if they work in the beginning to help healing, maybe they’d help now?

    this hasn’t happened to me yet with runs up to 8 miles but i think after hearing your story i’ll probably start sticking some body glide in there. so at least this might have helped someone!

    • HA! Suck it, Shelby!

      The gel pads are soothing but I don’t think they have actually helped the healing. I feel like letting them air out has worked better. But I definitely have been using the pads when I run to prevent any more…scraping. Ugh. If I was smart and invested in some sports bras that actually fit I probably could have avoided this whole mess in the first place.

    • It doesn’t have to get this bad! I should have recognized the early warning signs and launched a preemptive attack.
      I really do hope you still have kids because someday when you’re pregnant I would like to act all smug and knowledgeable and give you lots of advice you don’t need/want. That’s my favorite.

  4. I adore the motherlove nipple cream for all chafing, etc. I used it when I started, and then when I went back to work the pump was giving me blisters. Due to said pump blisters (just helping make your blog grosser!), I am doing a mix of formula/breast milk (still 80% breastmilk, and 100% Friday-Sunday, I feel like I need to say that because you’re judging me or something) but am whole-heartedly looking forward to getting my boobs back.

    Also – I haven’t gone out for more than 4.5 miles yet, but will be upping the mileage in about a month as I prep for a half mary, and now I am scared. However, since I was a DD before this whole thing, and am still able to squeeze myself into the DD sports bras now, maybe it’ll all be okay? Feel free to laugh in a couple of months when I have to confess a similar problem.

    • Dude, pumping blisters = #METALBANDS. I’m finally thinking maybe I should spring for one of those bionic sports bras that cost eleventy gazillion dollars. Target Champion’s just noot cutting it anymore. But I think you have a pretty good chance of this NOT happening to you as I am the first person I know who has ever experienced this unfortunate occurrence. As a result of running, anyway.

  5. Fourth paragraph hit me in the funnybone and now I’m that obnoxious idiot laughing out loud in a public space. That little urchin bit you?!!

    • I KNOW. She’s done it before, but never quite so forcefully. It was pretty fucked up and I’ll admit it would have been funny if it hadn’t been me. She was seriously like, fuck this! I think babies are so much smarter than we give them credit for.

  6. At least you haven’t posted a picture of a crap-filled diaper yet, so you still have that going for you…

    Sorry about your boobies.

  7. I only did the whole nursing thing for a few weeks…turns out nursing multiples is hard (for them and me), and I guess we just didn’t work hard enough, or something like that. Lazy preemie newborns! Ugggh.

    Anyway, whilst pumping, I used Earth Mama Natural Nipple Butter (I know…how HLB of me!) and I loved it.

    I made peace with my non-breastfeeding situation about month ago, but part of me misses it. Not the pumping part, but being able to provide the offspring with goodness. I would have kept it up if I was at home, too. If you do end up stopping, be proud of what you have already accomplished.

  8. My Sara was soo this way…we had a jogging stroller take her out to nurse thing going for a long time……never ever took a bottle ever. Didnt care about the stinky, sweaty boob getting forced out of the sports bra…apparently that tasted great. I did like the product called Lilly padz that were nice…..kept the leakage in and the nipples protected. But you still sweat like a pig underneath.

    • Ohhh gurl. if I had this situation AND she wouldn’t take a bottle I’d most definitely be on the express train to Weanville.

      I was afraid I would sweat all around the pads and have two perfectly round circles on my chest a la Mean Girls.

      When she’s a teenager and giving you hell you can remind her of these important sacrifices.

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  10. okay, so i found your blog through another blog. I’m in tears…partly because you’re funny as shit, two because I’m naturally a 44F,G,H I don’t know but they are huge and the thought of breastfeeding scares me, and now this makes me cringe at the tough of me crying when someone elbows my jugs, now i’m expected to let a little person latch on and go for it. three because you are freaking hilarious!

  11. This thread is worthless without pictures. Not of the bloody nipples, mind you. I’d be ok with something elaborating on the ZZ things you mentioned.

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