How to be a #motherrunner

I’ve run a lot of races in my life and none of them were all that noteworthy, but now that I’m a mom, people are obligated to admire me for even the most meager of my accomplishments.

During my pregnancy, I daydreamed of all the amazing photos I’d post on my blog of me running races and my baby spectating. But I have literally run all of these races without conveying to the racing community and the blog world that I am a #motherrunner, so it’s pretty much all been in vain. At my last race, I doubt anyone there even knew that I was a mother!

It’s disappointing to know I’ve pretty much wasted the first year of my daughter’s life by not trucking her out to a bunch of races with me, and I don’t want you guys to make the same mistake! So here are some very important tips on how to be a #motherrunner. (The hashtag itself might be the most important detail of all.)

Obviously, you have to drag your baby (oh, and husband) out to the race. EVERY RACE. Your husband will be responsible for watching the baby and also for taking as many photos of you as possible. The strategy for photos are as follows:

  • 4-5 mid-race shots. Husband should take at least a dozen so you can weed out the ones that make you look fat and tired and only use the ones that make you look breathless, yet exhilarated and skinny.
  • At least 3 shots of you with the baby: one of you crouching next to the baby stroller, another photo of you standing next to the stroller so that every one can see the impressive gap between your thighs (oh, make sure to stand with your legs spread far enough apart so that there’s a gap between your thighs) and a photo of you standing and holding the baby (a great excuse to flex your biceps!).
  • 1-2 beauty shots of just you, lest anyone forget who this is all about.

Other key components:

Complain about how early you had to wake up and how little your baby slept the night before the race.

Make sure to mention your baby’s age and remind readers how soon you began racing again after giving birth. You’ll want to link back to your birth story just in case someone hasn’t read it yet. Also link back to that post you wrote about how running is a lot like being pregnant/a lot like giving (drug free!) birth.

Include a few words about how much it means to you to have had your baby (oh, and husband) at the race to cheer you on. You’re so proud and you hope that by watching you race, your baby sees what a strong role model you are and might himself be inspired to start running someday.

Explain how difficult it’s been to make time in your busy schedule to train for this race and how running is you time and how even though you’ve struggled with your new identity, running really has made you a better mom.

Explain how even though you came in almost last, it doesn’t matter because your goals were not based on time anyway. Your goals are much more meaningful than that. Throw in a couple of self-deprecating remarks to help people appreciate how real you are.

After the race, document the celebratory brunch in your honor and explain how just this once, baby gets a treat. Because you’ve demonstrated how treats are only acceptable after you’ve burned a lot of calories.

Last, have fun with it! You are an inspiration and you can do no wrong. If you post two or three nearly identical photos of yourself, it will only serve to further emphasize your incredible performance.

Remember, it doesn’t matter that you ran if nobody knows you’re a mother.

proof

 I’m so busy, there’s probably a lot I’ve left out of this post! What are your tips for being a #motherrunner?

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49 thoughts on “How to be a #motherrunner

  1. You forgot to list the minimum required “I’m so blessed”s…kind of like facing the minimum in baseball, one must achieve this to be considered FTW.

  2. Holy Shit. Was that the only color those shoes came in? I guess they were designed to reflect headlights when running in the road right?

  3. ALL OF THESE THINGS.

    Except:

    1. Replace “baby” with “fetus in a jar” and
    2. Replace “husband” with “drunken derelict that knocked me up in an IHOP bathroom and then bought my pancakes after my last 12 abortions.”

  4. I loved this post. (Love your whole blog!) Reminded me of my first post-babies race. Thrilled to see I got so many #motherrunner things right. http://crosscountrysquared.blogspot.com/2010/09/omaha-hm-race-report.html

    The next phase of #motherrunning is to run WITH your child. You’re a real badass then. You not only get to be obnoxiously smug in your blog report, but you get all kinds of attention during the race. Bonus points for a double stroller beast. http://sandlpictureproject.blogspot.com/2013/04/first-race-of-year.html 🙂

  5. It’s funny, I’ve done a lot of races since having my baby but never have I felt inclined to wake baby and husband up at the crack of dawn to drag them out so they can stand in the cold for a few hours just to get a glimpse of me as I run past them.

  6. thank God I haven’t had a kid yet because I would have done it all wrong. But is it also true you’re not a “real” #motherrunner until you get a quadruple baby stroller and talk incessantly about how you run with it and how hard it is but you do it anyways because omg they love it? and you love them?

  7. You are my favorite. Obviously I’ve been failing at linking to my birth stories, that must be why I’m not a professional blogger.

  8. I am birthing a baby in about six weeks. I’m taking a jogging stroller to the hospital so I can get a nice run in on the way home. Manufacturers warnings about when to run with your baby aren’t for #motherunners.
    I also plan to do all postpartum races with my baby. I know some races say no strollers, but that’s what an Ergo is for, right?

  9. *like* You should also link back to previous race entries, especially if you have one where you look particularly skinny. It doesn’t matter if you’ve posted the same photo on your blog 1127 times already, people still definitely want to see it.

  10. You forgot to add that you need to put a post-it on your mirror reminding yourself that you are a beautiful #motherrunner #zombiemom.

  11. I’ve got to imagine it’s even more difficult for a #motherrunner to constantly pat herself on the back while pushing a deluxe-model BOB SUPERWOMAN VERSION 3.0000. They really should figure out a way to motorize those things.

  12. You forgot about the part where you describe how, during your race, you thought about giving birth and how you are so much stronger than you think you are! You are an inspiration!

  13. I’m just gonna skip the birthing classes and study this for my triumphant return to running. A few more suggestions: make sure your bib or t-shirt says you’re someone’s mom (e.g., Kombucha’s Mom; Running for Snowflake). Dress your baby in identical running gear. Don’t forget the transparent Lululemon leggings. Compare yourself to the #motherrunner age group… you know, since it exists now.

    • Yay! I’m not an expert but I play one on my blog.
      There should also be a division for people who came down with explosive diarrhea the morning of the race, just to level the playing field.

  14. I am currently seeking out a OMGBOB double stroller as we speak! So glad I read this today. I will know exactly how to pose with it.

    • Dude, you have my undying admiration, for real. Those things are no joke. If I were you I’d just pick my favorite and leave the other one at home.

  15. Only two links to your previous content? You can do better than that. Also, who needs a husband to take pictures when you’ve mastered the art of running selfies?!?!?!?! (bonus – there’s link back #3). And you failed to mention you’re at your pre-baby weight? (link backs #4 through #547.) Not that it matters #lol #operationnarcissim
    Thanks for being so REAL. ❤

  16. OMG, I’ve gotten it all wrong–what does it matter if I drag my baby to races and wake her up early if I (GASP) run with her in a stroller that isn’t a BOB?!?! What if it’s a Baby Expedition (generic knockoff *shudder*)? And can I you still be a good #motherrunner if you have, even ONCE since you had the baby, said you mightpossiblymaybe prefer to run without the baby in the stroller?

    I’m too confused right now. Rethinking my life’s choices.

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