The way I see it, there are two types of runners: the ones who just love to run, and the ones who eventually feel the need to start doing triathlons because running no longer fills the void (AKA the stupid ones). Many of you will probably mutter under your breath that I’m just bashing triathletes/triathlons because I’m lazy, unambitious, sad, fat, jealous, lonely and sad. And all of that is completely true. But since that didn’t take up nearly enough space in this blog post, here are a few more reasons why I’ll never do a triathlon…
Too much damn gear. Helmets, bikes, cycling shoes, tool kits, swimsuits, tri suits. Fuck a lot of that. I can barely reconcile a new pair of running shoes every 500 miles. I couldn’t live with myself if I needed to buy any more crap gear just to do my hobby.
Transitions. I don’t even like transitioning from the grocery store to the library, much less competing in three different sports during a single race. I like to do ONE thing and then go home and drink a beer and bask in the warm glow of my own unexceptionality.
Desperately searching for my vehicle in a sea of nearly identical vehicles. I did this at the mall once, when I got high and forgot where I parked. I don’t ever want to do it again.
Sucking at one sport is enough for me. Why would I want to add two sports at which to additionally suck?
Short season. You train all year to do a few triathlons during the summer, and then what?
Ridiculous puns on the tri prefix. I’m tri-ing, a good tri, first tri. How about tri to go fuck yourself.
Clipping in. Because this would be me.
It just sounds like a lot of work.
Those helmets make your head look like a dick. And the rest of you doesn’t look all that great either.
What is something you refuse to ever do?