Here’s why I’ll never tri

The way I see it, there are two types of runners: the ones who just love to run, and the ones who eventually feel the need to start doing triathlons because running no longer fills the void (AKA the stupid ones). Many of you will probably mutter under your breath that I’m just bashing triathletes/triathlons because I’m lazy, unambitious, sad, fat, jealous, lonely and sad. And all of that is completely true. But since that didn’t take up nearly enough space in this blog post, here are a few more reasons why I’ll never do a triathlon…

Too much damn gear. Helmets, bikes, cycling shoes, tool kits, swimsuits, tri suits. Fuck a lot of that. I can barely reconcile a new pair of running shoes every 500 miles. I couldn’t live with myself if I needed to buy any more crap gear just to do my hobby.

DSCN1324

This is actually me circa 2007 in Tightwad, MO. I’ve been waiting longer than I’ve even had a blog for the opportunity to use this photo in a blog post.

Transitions. I don’t even like transitioning from the grocery store to the library, much less competing in three different sports during a single race. I like to do ONE thing and then go home and drink a beer and bask in the warm glow of my own unexceptionality.

Desperately searching for my vehicle in a sea of nearly identical vehicles. I did this at the mall once, when I got high and forgot where I parked. I don’t ever want to do it again.

No.

No.

(source)

Sucking at one sport is enough for me. Why would I want to add two sports at which to additionally suck?

Short season. You train all year to do a few triathlons during the summer, and then what?

wilfred-bong-rip

Ridiculous puns on the tri prefix. I’m tri-ing, a good tri, first tri. How about tri to go fuck yourself.

Clipping in. Because this would be me.

me

It just sounds like a lot of work.  

Those helmets make your head look like a dick. And the rest of you doesn’t look all that great either.

cyclingdouche

This

What is something you refuse to ever do? 

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27 thoughts on “Here’s why I’ll never tri

  1. That cliff bar video made me lol.
    I secretly like the idea of doing a triathlon, since I swam for years before I started running. But I get it. As for something I’d never do, I’d say camping. Just go hiking and then go to a hotel. Or better yet, go hiking and go home. It’s air conditioned and there’s a real bed.

    • If you get drunk enough, you don’t notice you’re in a sleeping bag. But I went camping once when I was pregnant and it sucked. I noticed EVERYTHING.

  2. No tris for me either! I get annoyed when someone in the next lane swims too close to me; the thought of an open water swim where you can expect to get kicked in the head gives me nightmares.

  3. I like triathlons…but I like to swim, so that works for me. I will never never never ever run an ultra marathon. 26 miles is more than enough. If I ever try to sign up for one, someone needs to slap me.

  4. I like running, swimming, and biking, but together? No thanks. Everytime I see someone post about triathlons I shake my head and think, “That looks like a lot of work.”

  5. As someone who became a runner all backwards (did tris first and realized I had to run) I really like the simplicity of just running. I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to tris. I will never ever do an obstacle mud run/color run/ light run. I just don’t want to. I don’t care that other people had fun doing it.

  6. Ultramarathons are a no go for me. Marathons I’m all for but over that is just too much running…no thanks

  7. I’m one of those people who’s a runner and then lost her damn mind and starting doing triathlons. They’re worse than heroin. Ridiculously addictive, makes you lose weird amounts of weight, and causes you to be bizarrely unsocial. You’re right, stay away from them.

    OMG, I laughed til I almost peed at the Clif Bar commercial. Dammit I knew I was missing out on something in training for my race tomorrow! I think I’ve got some friends with wiffle ball bats….

    But as far as things I refuse to do…run a full marathon. That just sounds miserable. But never say never.

  8. I did exactly ONE duathlon and HATED it. I could NOT find my bike and spent over 5 minutes in transition. Then an old lady passed me on the bike and I knew that this was not the sport for me. Screw triathlons.

  9. You are like my secret thought twin. I will also refuse to do 3 day walk events. I don’t want to mosey and fuck around all day and then sleep in a fucking tent with a bunch of weepy women talking about pink and feelings. Ugh.

  10. One more reason – I don’t want to get elbowed, kicked, swam over, etc, during the swim part.

    The only way I would do a tri is an indoor tri – they are shorter and don’t require extra gear and I think you get like 5 minutes automatically for your transitions, so no rushing around during that part. I thought about doing one this past winter, but you know, too lazy and cheap to actually sign up.

  11. I’m with you, I will never attempt a triathlon. I MAY however, use that Clif commercial training technique for other sports. I mean, it just makes good, solid sense.

  12. I am totally with you. Especially the open water swimming. I have no problems with lakes, but the start of a tri is ridiculous with all the trashing and kicking. My idea of swimming is laying on a floatie in the middle of the lake with a beer in my hand.

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