how to lose 5 pounds the hard way

Kids. Filthy little beasts, aren’t they?

With all the shit she gets into, you would think the baby would be sick from time to time, but for some reason, little miss I-like-to-pick-stuff-up-off-the-floors-of-airplane-bathrooms manages to pass along to me every speck of bacteria she encounters without getting sick herself. She’s the Typhoid Mary of gastroenteritis.


Try to quarantine me. I dare you.

So after I got off the plane, I had two glorious days of sleeping in my own bed and running on my own (FLAT) streets before I was ravaged.

I know this is probably not what you want to read as you are slogging away at work or spooning gooey morsels of nut buttery oatmeal into your mouth, but I don’t think we as a society should shy away from topics like explosive diarrhea! The sooner we remove the stigma associated with it, the sooner people can be free to have explosive diarrhea without being embarrassed or afraid.

You're so beautiful.

You’re so beautiful.

So I didn’t go running for several days. Hell, I didn’t go anywhere that was more than 40 seconds from a toilet seat. I slept (in fits) for 10 hours a night and napped when the baby napped and still felt like I’d been hit by a bus. A shit bus. Luckily, my husband was off work for some of that time, and was able to help me with the baby. Well, until he caught it.

Thursday was the first day that I ate food without fear of recourse and thus was able to make my triumphant comeback.


I first did a couple miles on the treadmill as a test. The weather was nice and I could have run outside but I thought it might be smarter to stay near a bathroom. Running wasn’t exactly pleasant, but my gastrointestinal system behaved itself and I got that dreaded First Run After A Break out of the way. Later that evening, I went out again with Kenzie in the stroller, but only because she was fussy and irritable and we needed to get out of the house. I ran two miles and struggled to maintain an 11:00 pace.

Now, I don’t want to diminish the efforts of those runners who have made triumphant comebacks from ACTUAL injuries, but it felt pretty fucking heroic to me.

This morning the baby decided to wake up every 20 minutes from 3:30 on. Just as I would drift back to sleep, she’d start hollering again. She pulled this the last time she cut a tooth, so around the third or fourth wake-up I gave her some baby Motrin which did absolutely jack shit. She finally woke up for good at 6 a.m. and was not in the best of moods.


Don’t bother us right now, we’re busy despising you.

She was sacked out again by 9:00, so I’m holding out hope that she’ll still take a nap this afternoon.

The plan: pick up the pieces and make the most of what’s left of the week. I know I’m not going to be able to run more than 5 or 6 miles at a time, and I have absolutely no desire to swim (I look at the pool and all I see are parasites, a weird by-product of being violently ill for four days). I was thinking it might be fun to do one of those online Barre workouts.

Pretty sure this is Barre4

Pretty sure this is Barre4.

When was the last time you had explosive diarrhea? What’s your favorite online workout?


15 thoughts on “how to lose 5 pounds the hard way

  1. This had me cracking up…mostly because I can relate! I like that your first run was close to the bathroom – SMART MOVE.

  2. Oh the joys of motherhood. I can’t hardly wait! I can just tell I’m coming down with cold #4 of this pregnancy (I’m 23 weeks) so those are always fun. Thankfully they have been contained to my head and chest… nothing below the belt. Glad to hear you’re feeling better. And I agree that coming back from something that completely incapacitates you (while you’re also trying to take care of a family at the same time some how) is pretty heroic, physical injury or not.

  3. I can’t remember my specific last episode of explosive diarrhea, but I remember being happy about it because I had a very long period of time during which I was chronically constipated and I now celebrate and enjoy any and all rapid and complete evacuations.

    I love how you have engagement questions at the end of the post.

    And even though she’s a transmitter of disease, your babe is so cute.

    Glad you’re doing better 🙂

  4. Damn these kids! But she is adorbs. I love the clotheless doll. To answer your questions, 1. probably not that long ago. I have two of those dirty crumb-grubbers. 2. I did some yoga stuff once. That was neat. Turns out I don’t like yoga.

    My son gave us a fun night last week. During dinner, he puked just enough to make us suspicious and send me into a panic. Then during his before bed milk, he unloaded the contents of an entire day’s worth of food on my husband. But, thankfully that was it. My hubz got some nastiness out of the deal, but myself and the little lady remained unscathed.

  5. Pingback: training update + national running day recap! (no just kidding, please still read this) | Cheaper Than Therapy

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