other things Americans do

You’ll have to forgive me for being a bad American and a terrible blogger: I didn’t do a 4th of July fun run last week and I didn’t have a party with red, white and blue food. But if I know you guys, you probably feel the same way I do about pictures of other people’s food and friends:

dontgiveashitI did something much more American on the 4th of July: I drank a lot of beer, got a rash and later topped it off with about three dozen mosquito bites. I did manage to do some running but it was all very inconsequential so I won’t even bore you with the details (until tomorrow).

So, the rash though. Apparently when you use that non-organic probably cancer-causing mosquito repellent, you’re supposed to wash it off before you pass out go to bed and not use very much of it because well, it’s a fucking pesticide and anything that can kill an insect can probably kill a human if used in sufficient quantities. #thingsthatshouldreallybeinlargerscriptonthebackofthebottle

I woke up Friday morning with tiny, itchy bumps all over my arms and legs (and inexplicably, my ears). After that, I decided that me and mosquito repellent were fucking done professionally and I’d take my chances with the mosquitoes. You know where this is going.

We sat outside Sunday night and killed a growler of Floyd’s Folly. Tangent: it’s an 8% ABV Scottish ale from Cutter’s, which is out of Bloomington but just opened a tasting room near our house.

IMG_5746

The patio, now with all the comforts of the living room.

We fogged the grass and lit our citronella torches, but I still somehow managed to be eaten alive by mosquitoes. These mosquitoes were so ambitious, they burrowed right through my shirt and left an impressive cluster of bites all over my back, right where my sports bra goes.

So I took an oatmeal bath and a lot of Benadryl, both of which felt nice temporarily but really didn’t do any good. I just wish I had pictures to show you but let’s assume it went something like this:

oatmeal bath

Needs more chia.

Here’s some more exciting news: I found a race to run! It’s not until October, but I’m really excited about it. My husband works odd hours so most Saturday races don’t work for us, but this one is an afternoon race at a winery about an hour away, so we’re all going to truck down there and do it together.

crash

Did I mention it’s at a winery? So I probably won’t take it too seriously (ie I’ll be drunk before the start), but I’ll blog about it with the same smug sense of accomplishment you’d expect from someone who is training for Badwater.

Are there mosquitoes as big as your face where you live? Have you ever taken an oatmeal bath? What’s the most amount (greatest number?) of alcoholic drinks you’ve ever had before a race? Why doesn’t anybody ever answer my questions in bold?

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34 thoughts on “other things Americans do

  1. I love all of your questions in bold.

    a) I don’t know if NYC has mosquitos as big as my face but we do have rats smaller than kittens. Win?
    b) I have not taken an oatmeal bath personally but my partner (who suffers from the heartbreak of psoriasis) has. No chia involved.
    c) Once in college I drank about four beers at a party then sprinted across the campus. I amazingly did not vomit. Go rugby!

  2. We have huge bugs here.

    I have taken an oatmeal bath. It was very soothing.

    I’ve never drank before a race.

    Probably because you don’t use bullet points.

  3. I just read somewhere that mosquitos are more attracted to women who are beer drinkers. I can’t recall where I read it, but if it’s true we’re all doomed!

  4. Yes there are mosquitos as big as my face, they’re practically the state bird… nope, never taken an oatmeal bath. Drinks before a race, probably 4. Though I would argue that I was still drunk when I ran my 1/1/13 race this year from the night before. And that was way more than 4 drinks. Also, try Ava Anderson bugspray. Apparently it’s got catnip in it and that keeps the mosquitos away. Just don’t go near any catteries.

  5. 1. Yes. You can find delightful T-shirts at gas stations with sayings like “Mosquitoes: Minnesota’s other state bird!” LOLZ
    2. No?
    3. Immediately before…none. The night before probably 3-4. But much like laurenhare, I often thought it was a good idea to run home from a party or bar instead of walk. I don’t remember it ever ending badly, but drinking and its effects were generally easier on me back in the good ol days.
    4. DONE

    • I love gas station t-shirts. It’s a shame fucking hipsters made them commonplace. And I don’t ever remember nights that end badly. Heh.

  6. I used to drink the night before morning practice…back in my youth. But not before races. I always felt that racing is hard enough without being in a compromised state.

    I’d suggest using different colors for your questions like the hungry runner girl, but that doesn’t seem to be working for me at all.

  7. Fuck mosquitos…seriously, fuck them. Even though we live in the middle of a giant city, we still have swarms of them in our yard. I don’t know where they come from. There is no standing water nearby. And they bite only me and leave everyone else alone. Bitches.

    Pretty sure I did an early morning race or two in college in which I was still drunk from the night before! Fun times.

  8. I’m in Florida – so yes, there are gigantic mosquitos down here. They don’t usually bother me, but I have been eaten alive already this year.

    I’ve given my kids oatmeals baths but I’ve never taken one myself. Lol to it needing chia. And PB. Oooh – Oatmeal bath in a jar?

      • #thingsthatshouldreallybeinlargerscriptonthebackofthebottle —> Random Friends reference when Ross says they should put the effectiveness of condoms on the box 🙂

        Too obscure? I have that tendency…

      • Oh, I got it!! That was my Ross impression. I think there’s a Friends and/or a Seinfeld reference for everything that happens in real life. (And also a Star Trek animated GIF.)

      • what’s funny is I actually thought you were making a Maryanne from Brooklyn reference, and on that note, Stern references ALSO always apply.

  9. Long time lurker, first (or second) time commenter…

    1) Thank god, no mosquitoes. Last year, though, I took a trip in early March, got one zillion bites, and still had scars for my wedding in June. yay!
    2) Have never heard of an oatmeal bath.
    3) Zero. But I have ridden my bike drunk (shhh) and I didn’t get fatigued AT ALL. It was amazing. Maybe because alcohol thins your blood and it flows more easily? Bro science.
    4) Perhaps because your last question in bold was, “Ever had sex for money?” ha!

  10. Pingback: I’m itchy AF | Cheaper Than Therapy

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