Let’s start a #hashtagmovement!

Since I can’t run and I hate everyone, I thought it would be a good time to do another post where I write some predictable diatribe about the internet and we can all have a really fun circle-jerk about it!

SAMESIES!

SAMESIES!

So, I don’t know if you know this but in the olden days of the internets, hashtags were used to connect similar ideas. Today they are used by assholes who are desperate for attention. Here are some examples.

“Clever” commentary

People use a hashtag to make what they feel is some kind of clever commentary about their own commentary. Also, to remind everyone they are pregnant.

Ironman training = hungry. all. the. time. #mamaneedspancakes

Exhausted! I need a beach vacation to recover from my beach vacation. #arewethereyet

Went running in my booty shorts and got catcalls from some college guys. #NBD #stillgotit

Burning up! Doesn’t anyone in this restaurant realize that I am #30weekspregnant? #hormones #pleaseturnontheairconditioning

Over-doers

#Every #fucking #word #is #hashtagged.

Or, 50 vague hashtags nobody will click on: #running #morning #trees #sidewalk #dogs #trashcan #grass #clouds #anus

Brand promotion

Some people (and we all know I mean jerk bloggers) use hashtags conveniently provided to them by brands to promote their sponsored tweets (usually while failing to disclose the sponsored nature of their tweets, but my rage about THAT warrants a whole ‘nother blog post).

Just rubbed one out in my favorite #compressionsocks from @procompression!

Still have no idea what I’m doing here at the #disneysportsfestival.

My good friends at @reebok won’t stop sending me #crossfit shoes! #crossfit #reebok

Pic of my feet to fulfill my quota of #runhappy tweets for the month.

Somewhat related: I recently saw a tweet with the hashtag #notanad which is hysterical considering many of this person’s other tweets ARE ads with no hashtag designating them as such.

Faux movements and humblebrags

Duh: #fitfluential, #proof. The premise: inspiration to encourage all of us fatty fat fats to get off our asses and exercise. The reality: humblebrag selfies of girls in sweaty gym clothes.

And the latest faux movement, #12thingsIloveaboutme. I’d be more inclined to give this “movement” a chance if the vast majority of tweets were not focused on physical rather than intellectual attributes...my curly hair, my eyelashes, my skinny legs, my perfectly round butt cheeks. Congratulations! You’re still shallow.

My good buddy @KateKirk described it perfectly: another self-congratulatory #schtick disguised as a female empowerment campaign. ooh, lemme put that on a postit…

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Girl power!

Do you use hashtags? What do you hate most about them? If you could start a really important movement that would make us weak, insecure lemmings not hate ourselves, what would your hashtag be? I’m personally fond of #myvaginaainthandicapped

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19 thoughts on “Let’s start a #hashtagmovement!

  1. Were you part of the #analbleaching movement a couple of years ago? Every now and then one of us brings it back. Both the hashtag AND the practice. #EMPOWERMENT!

  2. I just listened to an NPR Planet Money podcast (#pretentious) that mentioned a song by Mariah called #Beatiful. So on Twitter that would be ##Beautiful, right? Double the hashtag, double the fun!

  3. I find hashtags most annoying on Instagram. Your hashtag or collection of hashtags should not be longer than the caption. Also, it makes me laugh when people who have locked down accounts on Twitter or IG use them because it defeats the purpose of the hashtag. My favorite recent hashtag was #blackbuzzfeed, but I doubt skinny white girls had any clue about it. #stillpregant #thisbebelovesmyuterus #enjoyingmylastlazysaturday

    • I knew about it, does that make me worldly? But I was just confused because I’m too white to understand any of the jokes. #throwsawkwardgangsignwithduckface #HAVETHATBABYALREADY

  4. I’m #sobummed that you didn’t hashtag “circle jerk” and link back to my throw pillow. That said, I’m #sohappy to see some of #myfavoritewords in this post…like LEMMING! And BOOTY SHORTS! And #anus. Instagram is the scariest place when it comes to this hashtagarrhea. I’d start a movement where we all take tit-selfies and post everywhere using #showusyourtits. #empoweringfemininity I’m also partial to #blowjobssavemarriagesandlives

    • You jest, but there actually IS a #sportsbrachallenge that is supposed to somehow be #empowering for women to show off their #gloriousboobiesofcourage or something, but I think a bunch of people ending up calling #bullshit on it, because, yeah.

  5. and now you can do hashtags on Facebook! #yaysies #justwhatweneeded #thiscouldonlyimprovethings #hashtagsarehardtoread #andiprobablyspellthingswrong #donkeypunch

  6. Instagram is getting out of control. The whole post is a giant hastag. I follow a lot of people who created a hashtag of their child’s name. So you can go back and look someday by keeping track of all your social media posts? Are other people hashtagging your kid?

    I am totally going to use #babyfatfluential

  7. I came back to say seriously, you need to get out of my head. About the time something in social medai is annoying me, you seem to cover it nicely in a blog post. #samesies!

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