holiday gift guide for assholes


A gift guide is a really easy blog post to write. When I wrote this one, I just started banging out a bunch of shit on my keyboard that I thought would make me seem cool and I in no way considered the actual needs or wishes of anyone I know, and then I hit publish. You may not agree with me on all of these items and that’s okay. Like every other gift guide you’ve read on a blog, this is for me, not you! (However there are no affiliate links in this post so click away.)

Let’s start with some shit you should definitely not get anyone as a gift.

obama dildo

Shit you have to display in your home.* Because you’re assuming you understand this person’s style AND that they will have just the place for your shit gift.  I thought you’d appreciate me redecorating your house for you! I’m thinking your style is turn-of-the-century prison drab. Cool?

DIY shit. Probably the only thing worse than buying somebody a gift they have to display in their home is making them some shit they will now feel obligated to hang up in the bathroom every time you come over. Same goes for jewelry.

circle jerk craft

craft credit: MILF RUNNER, who can DIY me up some shit whenever she wants.

Gloves/slippers. Because nothing says I don’t even know you like a pair of gloves or slippers.

Mail-order nuts. Nothing says I don’t even know you like a pair of gloves or slippers…except for a bag of mail-order nuts.

Workout videos. This is a gift that says, you’ve got problems. 

fat cat

A day planner. All the worse if it’s from a day planner company that sponsors your blog. (Does anyone actually use day planners? I have a cheap one I use as a wallet, but i don’t actually use it to plan shit.)

Motivational gifts. Save it for the intervention.

allison intervention

Inhalants, however are always appropriate.

Bath stuff (lotion, bath gel, etc). Another gift that says I just don’t care. Think about it, every one who’s ever given you bath gel feels the need to assure you, it smells soooo good! as if that somehow makes up for it being bath gel.

in the bath

Now, if you actually like the people you know and want to give them something they will appreciate, here are a few suggestions.

Booze. All the better if they share it with you.

got what i need

Booze subcategory: One of those cheesy wine gift baskets from that catalog everybody gets in the mail during the holidays. I always lovingly flip through that catalog and dream of a beautiful basket of wine arriving on my doorstep except that I live in goddamn Indiana where they have fucked-up laws about shipping booze.

The Blue Oyster Cult Box Set. Because if your friend doesn’t appreciate this gift, you’ll learn a valuable lesson that this person should never have been your friend in the first place.


*Unless it’s meme art! You can commission your own personal piece of meme art from this chick on Etsy. I got one as a baby gift from Angry Runner and I love it. It was a pleasant departure from all the other gifts I got that were not actually for me, but for the baby (although I like to think Kenzie appreciates this gift just as much as I do).


Money. I know it’s really cold and impersonal, but so are you.

i like money

We should hang out.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? Mine was my baby! LOL JK, it was money.


12 thoughts on “holiday gift guide for assholes

  1. I was going to put a Cuchini on my list but then my husband told me guys totally dig camel toe so I cut it.

    The throw pillow is now a classic and fully customizable. While the circle jerk model is my best seller on Etsy, who can forget the Nick Manning/Angry Runner-inspired “Dropping Loads For Jesus” one?

  2. I need to determine what meme art will be appropriate for this next one you’re dropping out in a few months! Maybe the angry German kid that smashes his keyboard?

  3. Well then, smarty pants, what IS a good generic-but-not-really-generic type of gift for someone you kinda need to get something for but you don’t know them on a personal level to specifically choose an item? I agree no gloves/slippers/bath shit, but like….scarves? Dildos? Self-portrait (of me, obvs)?

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