it’s time we had a talk about your (ugly) unborn child

Do you want to know one of the saddest things ever? It is the sheer number of people who find my blog by searching how to have a good looking baby.

It’s because of this: 10 steps to a better looking baby.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the people doing these searches are the same ones posting selfies on Instagram and using the #soblessed hashtag.

Let’s get serious for just a moment. It actually disturbs me –ME– that there are so many people out there who are concerned about having an ugly baby. I really hope these people are also searching for things like how to be a good parent or what are the abortion laws in [my state]?

JUST TODAY, three people found my blog with variations of that search:

Also fupa, which is a legitimate concern.

Also, fupa. But that is a legitimate concern.

And in the entire history of my blog, the people who have found me by conducting this sad, sad, pathetic search number well into the hundreds.

all time

all time part 2

all time part 3

all time part 4

all time part 5

all time part 6

I don’t have any poignant or mind-blowing observations about this, I just wanted to point it out because when something is bothering me, I like to make sure it’s bothering other people too. (#whyiblog.) What I do know is that if you are that pretentious and superficial, no Google search in the world will make your baby attractive.

Just ask this guy.

Hate to break it to you.

Oh, and happy new year.

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16 thoughts on “it’s time we had a talk about your (ugly) unborn child

  1. Shame on you for giving us social commentary when you’re SUPPOSED to do a year-end recap and a Goals for 2014 post. Get with the bloggy program and stop trying to be so original.

  2. wow you have the most awesome search terms. mine are lame because I use some WordPress SEO widget (not for every post) and it worked really really really well on a cornbread recipe that I posted last year. seriously, I feel like half the traffic to my blog is for that damn recipe.

    also throw a damn goal up, OK? such as “don’t have an ugly baby”

    • well, I might get more traffic if I used logical keywords instead of things like “I need a beer” and “your mom.”
      NO GOALS. NO. I AM LIVING MY DREEEEEEAMS.

  3. I suppose your resolution for 2014 is to have a pretty baby? BTW, ugly baby is a legit concern. I went to school with a girl who actually has an ugly baby. I mean, they are not all cute. This one is often featured in my nightmares.

  4. Sadly the most common search term for people landing on my blog is “Whatever happened to Paris Hilton” because I made the mistake of writing a blog post titled “Whatever happened to Paris Hilton.” Spoiler alert! She’s still a rich bitch.

    • Yeah, I wrote a blog years ago about something celebrity-related and it got a shit-ton of traffic for years. Made me think I should have gone into celebrity gossip blogging. That D-listed guy’s doing something right!

  5. Screw ugly babies (not a sentence you write every day), when did you post about going on a cocaine bender? I’d like to read that post, please. I, obviously, need to add better keywords to my posts. Hello 2014 goal.

  6. Pingback: hi there | Cheaper Than Therapy

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