People are always doing those “day in the life” posts where we’re supposed to queef and drool over the mundane things that happen to them. The majority of these people seem to be full-time bloggers and SAHMs who try to make it sound like getting up at 7 a.m. and going to play dates and pedicures is totally exhausting.
But today in between play dates and pedicures, an inordinate amount of annoying things happened to me and I thought you Schadenfreuders might enjoy reading about it.
My day starts at 4:45 a.m. when I get up to pee and can’t go back to sleep. This has been happening pretty much every day since I became pregnant, but I was a stupid, stupid fuckwad last night and stayed up until midnight reading a book (Ham on Rye, in case anybody cares).
In the morning I like to make Kenzie a breakfast smoothie (currently one of the only ways I can sneak fruits and vegetables into her) and let her watch a cartoon while I stare blankly at the internet for 18 minutes.
Today when I turn on my laptop I immediately get the CONSIDER REPLACING YOUR BATTERY alert and then Kenzie spills my coffee all over the keyboard, the rug and the couch (OH HEYYYY SPOT BOT). This is completely my fault as I still haven’t learned you should never put anything liquid next to anything electronic when you have a toddler in the house. Maybe someday after getting electrocuted I will finally learn my lesson.
As I scramble into the kitchen for paper towels, I knock a glass off the counter top and it shatters all over the floor.
Twenty minutes after cleaning up the coffee and the shards of broken glass, I drop an entire container of soup and it splatters all over the kitchen floor and the inside of the refrigerator.
After cleaning THAT up, we have to wait for Skylar to take a piss. She’s recovering from a UTI right now, and to prevent her from peeing on the carpet, I take her into the laundry room twice a day and make sure she goes in the box. But I know her routine and it never takes more than a few minutes. I only wish potty training my child were this easy; Kenzie’s average pee time is 45 minutes.
Then we head to the gym. As soon as I pull into The Best Parking Spot Ever, I realize I have left Kenzie’s jacket and hat at home and it’s 20 degrees outside. Parenting gold star. No, she probably won’t get hypothermia in the 15 seconds it will take to walk inside the building, but people will see my child without a jacket and they will Judge me.
After arriving BACK at the gym to find my parking spot is taken, we run inside and I drop Kenzie off in child care and do an uneventful three miles on the treadmill. The round ligaments (and the extra weight I’m packing) are starting to bother me, but I’ve been able to bang out three or four miles twice a week without too much trouble. I’ve found if I try to run more often than that, my ass and crotch ache for days.
After the gym we head to the grocery store and I remember it’s probably going to be packed because there’s some kind of “wintry mix” approaching and Indy likes to pretend it’s Atlanta every single time it snows. I almost have to sock a bitch over the last carton of eggs and a container of yogurt.
Oh, and Kenzie cries the entire time because she’s strapped into the child seat in the cart and she hates it. (But if she’s not strapped in, she’ll stand up and climb out.)
When we get home she refuses to eat anything for lunch, but the coolest thing happens at nap time: instead of putting up her usual fight, she tells me “I close my eyes mommy, I go sleep.” Then she sacks out and it’s ME TIME for the next two hours…
Except exactly 45 minutes later I hear murmuring through the monitor. And outside I hear the sound of freezing rain pelting the windows.
So, I don’t understand the parents who act like they can just sit and stare at their children all day long and be fascinated. I’ll tell you a secret: when you’re stuck indoors with a toddler –even a toddler you LIKE– it’s really boring. They don’t let you do anything you want and they whine and throw things if they don’t get their way. And you have to sit on the floor, even if you’re all pregnant and fat.
I won’t complain anymore though. Today has been a very long and arduous EPIC JOURNEY, and also the keys on my laptop are still a bit sticky.
Did you do actual work today or just faff about with a toddler and spill shit all over your house?