a day of first-world fuckery

People are always doing those “day in the life” posts where we’re supposed to queef and drool over the mundane things that happen to them. The majority of these people seem to be full-time bloggers and SAHMs who try to make it sound like getting up at 7 a.m. and going to play dates and pedicures is totally exhausting.

But today in between play dates and pedicures, an inordinate amount of annoying things happened to me and I thought you Schadenfreuders might enjoy reading about it. 

schadenfreude

Monday.

My day starts at 4:45 a.m. when I get up to pee and can’t go back to sleep. This has been happening pretty much every day since I became pregnant, but I was a stupid, stupid fuckwad last night and stayed up until midnight reading a book (Ham on Rye, in case anybody cares).

In the morning I like to make Kenzie a breakfast smoothie (currently one of the only ways I can sneak fruits and vegetables into her) and let her watch a cartoon while I stare blankly at the internet for 18 minutes.

BlankStare

Today when I turn on my laptop I immediately get the CONSIDER REPLACING YOUR BATTERY alert and then Kenzie spills my coffee all over the keyboard, the rug and the couch (OH HEYYYY SPOT BOT). This is completely my fault as I still haven’t learned you should never put anything liquid next to anything electronic when you have a toddler in the house. Maybe someday after getting electrocuted I will finally learn my lesson.

As I scramble into the kitchen for paper towels, I knock a glass off the counter top and it shatters all over the floor.

Twenty minutes after cleaning up the coffee and the shards of broken glass, I drop an entire container of soup and it splatters all over the kitchen floor and the inside of the refrigerator.

After cleaning THAT up, we have to wait for Skylar to take a piss. She’s recovering from a UTI right now, and to prevent her from peeing on the carpet, I take her into the laundry room twice a day and make sure she goes in the box. But I know her routine and it never takes more than a few minutes. I only wish potty training my child were this easy; Kenzie’s average pee time is 45 minutes.

Then we head to the gym. As soon as I pull into The Best Parking Spot Ever, I realize I have left Kenzie’s jacket and hat at home and it’s 20 degrees outside. Parenting gold star. No, she probably won’t get hypothermia in the 15 seconds it will take to walk inside the building, but people will see my child without a jacket and they will Judge me.

judging you

After arriving BACK at the gym to find my parking spot is taken, we run inside and I drop Kenzie off in child care and do an uneventful three miles on the treadmill. The round ligaments (and the extra weight I’m packing) are starting to bother me, but I’ve been able to bang out three or four miles twice a week without too much trouble. I’ve found if I try to run more often than that, my ass and crotch ache for days.

After the gym we head to the grocery store and I remember it’s probably going to be packed because there’s some kind of “wintry mix” approaching and Indy likes to pretend it’s Atlanta every single time it snows. I almost have to sock a bitch over the last carton of eggs and a container of yogurt. 

panda1

Oh, and Kenzie cries the entire time because she’s strapped into the child seat in the cart and she hates it. (But if she’s not strapped in, she’ll stand up and climb out.)

When we get home she refuses to eat anything for lunch, but the coolest thing happens at nap time: instead of putting up her usual fight, she tells me “I close my eyes mommy, I go sleep.” Then she sacks out and it’s ME TIME for the next two hours…

batin

Except exactly 45 minutes later I hear murmuring through the monitor. And outside I hear the sound of freezing rain pelting the windows.

So, I don’t understand the parents who act like they can just sit and stare at their children all day long and be fascinated. I’ll tell you a secret: when you’re stuck indoors with a toddler –even a toddler you LIKE– it’s really boring. They don’t let you do anything you want and they whine and throw things if they don’t get their way. And you have to sit on the floor, even if you’re all pregnant and fat.

I won’t complain anymore though. Today has been a very long and arduous EPIC JOURNEY, and also the keys on my laptop are still a bit sticky.

breaking_bad_punk-rock

 

Did you do actual work today or just faff about with a toddler and spill shit all over your house?

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22 thoughts on “a day of first-world fuckery

  1. You must have a SPY CAM set up in my house. This post is so last week.

    This week we’re more into loudness than spillage. Today was a holiday for my kids. As is the rest of the whole week. I decided to start things off with a bang…WAFFLES! We then graduated to m&m’s (pretzel and plain ‘cuz I know you want to know) for our mid-late morning snack. After everyone screamed at each other until it was time for hot dogs IN BUNS, we watched Finding Nemo whilst yanking blankets back and forth and screaming about the furry pillows and pausing the movie so someone could go pee/get a drink of water/sneak more m&m’s. Then it was time to drive to soccer practice and the harp lesson. I let them watch some horrible movie in the car and fed them more from the party-sized bags of m&m’s BECAUSE IT’S VACATION so stop judging me. While at soccer practice, some dickwad jogging around the park on the grass because he’s probably injured which also partly explains why he is such a DICK growls (yes, actually growls) “put your fucking phone away!” while I’m DOCUMENTING the event for my Instagram followers. Totally wrecked my creative buzz. Asshole. My teenager then started texting me about when we were going to be home because he was sneaking playing League of Legends instead of doing all his homework and wanted to extrapolate how much longer he could play. We got home and I served up dinner, which, of course, my youngest wouldn’t eat because she really wanted “MORE M&MZZZZZZZZZZZ!” Then there was lots of screaming about how I’m the worst mommy IN THE WORLD. AND WHY CAN’T SHE HAVE HER SISTER’S EXPENSIVE AMERICAN GIRL DOLLS???? Then it was bedtime.

    The world is so unfair. That’s my takeaway from today.

    So glad I now don’t have to write a blog post of my own. I hope it’s okay that I just blogcommentvomited all over your post.

  2. hahaha. I try not to read those other blogs and can just imagine what their “day in the life” is like. This is hilarious, as always. Also I spent 1.5 hours alone with a 2 year-old yesterday and it was exhausting. After such a long winter and limited inside things to do, I do not envy you! I would look forward to nap time probably too much…

  3. guilty pleasure: I kinda sorta love day-in-the-life threads. i have a creepy fascination about what others do with their time. i absolutely feel you on much of this, esp the not sleeping part and the HATING sitting on the floor while pregnant. way too much pressure on the sensitive areas, agh!

    about to go for a walk. the advantage of totally giving up on exercise in late pregnancy is that MAYBE a walk will be enough to kickstart labor! (but probably not.)

    • Oooh I hope so, can’t wait to see him! ❤ I have a prenatal massage Thursday, I was trying to wait until I was more pregnant to have one but I'm LISTENING TO MY BODY and it's telling me DO IT NOW BITCH.

  4. Pingback: Incubation: day 275 | eat, drink, and run

  5. I worked all day, dealt with a 25 minute train delay bc some dumbass got stuck on the train tracks, prayed for my life as I drove home in the snow and unplowed roads, then picked up after my boyfriend the rest of the night because he doesn’t seem to understand dishes don’t do themselves. It was a lovely President’s Day. !@#!@$&*$^*&!@

  6. I hate “day in the life” posts because they are either super boring, or make me feel lazy for not waking up at 5am and getting SO MUCH done. Or they are both boring and shaming me. But I still read them out of morbid curiosity.

    Also, your Idiocracy reference automatically makes this post is better than 90% of blog posts I read.

  7. I’ve taken up drinking on Sunday evenings because after two whole days with two toddlers, I need more drinks.

    So yes, M-F I go to work, but sitting at my desk and dealing with adult children is way easier most weeks.

  8. Sometimes I think work is the easy part of my day. The hardest part is getting the kids dressed (even though 2 of the 3 are completely self sufficient and SHOULD be able to dress themselves) and into the car. It’s like herding squirrels. And then the baby tries to give me googly eyes so I don’t want to go to work.

    Ahh the crotch pain after running. I don’t miss it. I feel like nobody else talks about having it though. Do they have supernatural lady parts?

    • Ha, I don’t look forward to dressing 2 kids in the morning…and even more so when I go back to work.
      I think a couple people have mentioned the crotch pain but yeah, I feel like we may be exceptional in that regard too. 😉

  9. Nope! I didn’t do actual work on Monday. For the first time in months I spent a whole (working) day alone with X. My apartment is a mess but the only thing I managed to do cleaning wise was wash the dishes and make the bed. There was a lot of picture taking and sending texts to dad, taking a walk to the park and going from room to room playing with different toys.

    I didn’t spill shit, so I guess that’s okay. I don’t need to make more of a mess of my home.

  10. Pingback: territorial pissings | Cheaper Than Therapy

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