I’m about to lose my fucking mind.

Today is one of those days that if I hadn’t been able to run, I’d probably be sitting in the middle of my living room, sobbing. It started when my eldest tore out of her room screaming at 2 a.m. and came to a head 12 hours later, when I’d JUST gotten both of them down for naps and the battery on Codie’s swing died. As soon as it stopped rocking, she grunted, arched her back, opened her eyes and began to wail.

daisy

Anyway. Let’s not fight about who’s busier or more tired or who works harder. I know I’m a stay-at-home-mom and I should be fucking grateful, checking my privilege hither and yon, but christ, some days I feel like sitting in an office where nobody is crying or throwing up on me might be a whole lot easier.

And then I remember pajamas all day.

1409516502525

Kenzie has been on a destructive streak. She’ll sweep everything off a table onto the floor and then just smirk.  She’s exhibiting her leadership skills as the leaners-in like to say, and we’re trying so hard to be firm and consistent because we all know that people who aren’t disciplined as children grow up to be assholes. But she’s making us work for it.

You don't tell me what to do!

You don’t tell me what to do!

She is also refusing to stay in her crib. The first time it happened, it proceeded a bedtime fit so it wasn’t THAT much of a shock. But the second and third time, she quietly hopped out, opened the door and strolled casually down the hall into the living room. Last night, there was a storm and rolling thunder that started at 2 a.m. and continued until dawn. Nobody slept except the baby.

dead

We’re going to do the whole toddler bed transition thing soon, but we’re trying to approach it as delicately as possible so we don’t fuck her up even more. I don’t want it to seem like we’re rewarding her for getting out of the crib by giving her an even easier way to get out of the crib, you know? Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

A positive: she is astonishingly cute and bright and funny when she’s not driving me batshit insane.

babies

See?

Not to be outdone by her sister, the smaller of my progeny is refusing to take a bottle. Honestly, I always thought people who complained about this just weren’t trying hard enough. Kenzie always took a bottle and because I had one kid who took bottles, I assumed I knew everything there was to know about babies and bottles!

smug

But, while it is true that a baby probably WILL take a bottle if she’s hungry enough, many people underestimate just how stubbornly they can refuse, kicking and screaming and pushing that bottle away like it’s full of the black plague. So for now, Codie and I are tethered to one another and I have to wait to have a drink until she’s gone to bed for the night. At which time I an usually too tired to do anything but crawl into bed myself.

I know, I know, my misfortune is breathtaking.

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She is, however, ALMOST sleeping through the night. Most nights she sleeps from 9 or 10 p.m. until 4 a.m., and usually goes back down again for another two or three hours. I know it won’t last. I’m fully prepared for the 4 month, 8 month, 12 month and 2.5 year sleep regressions.

But, cheeks!

cheeks

I own you.

This morning I dropped them both off at the gym childcare and ran outside by myself for 45 glorious minutes. My crotch was aching and my knees were creaking, and I’m still 20-25 pounds overweight and ridiculously slow, but I’m optimistic. I feel closer to normal.

I have not jumped the gun and signed up for any races. I have no intention of wasting money on a race entry if there’s any chance I might suck at it. There’s plenty of time to get back to being a badass motherrunner when I’m getting more than four hours of sleep.

thumbs

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24 thoughts on “I’m about to lose my fucking mind.

  1. As always I appreciate your honesty. It’s nice to know the real stuff as opposed to “everything is perfect!” #soblessed

    While I often cry in my cubicle at work because several coworkers seem like toddlers, your post reminded me of one thing: perspective.

    🙂 Hang in there!

  2. I probably shouldn’t have read this 3 weeks before my due date but one is totally easy right? I actually might have to abstain because I get serious anxiety from all the stories about babies who don’t take bottles because I have to go back to work or live in a cardboard box so if my baby doesn’t take the bottle we are screwed. If it makes you feel better, an elementary school full of women is far from a cry free zone, and I’m not talking about when the kids are there. Obviously it’s nothing like having to attend to a child who needs you, but still.

    • Frick! Sorry to give you anxiety. That will not happen to you. I think it only happened to us because I stopped giving her ANY bottles for a couple weeks and she forgot how awesome they were.

      3 weeks! I’m excited for you! You’re almost there! Four exclamation points in a row!

  3. She. is. Sleeping!!!!!!! Seriously despite the crib hijinks, that is fantastic. And maybe she won’t regress, you never know.

    Also, yay for gym childcare. It’s my new favorite weekend thing.

    • I feel ridiculously proud that my milk is (almost) sustaining her through the night. Wish it were that easy to get the toddler to sleep! Hm…

  4. “some days I feel like sitting in an office where nobody is crying or throwing up on me might be a whole lot easier.”

    can confirm, is easier. but I guess it’s not “rewarding”? BRB gonna go back and read the rest of the post.

  5. But where is the part where you pass on Codie and Kenzie to your husband for dad duty?

    I really don’t know how you manage with a newborn and a toddler. All I did when X was that small was nurse and watch a lot of The West Wing.

  6. Do you know about the Wonder Weeks? EVERY EFFING TIME my babe gets into a “decent” sleep routine (aka, up 2x a night at 10 months), she starts waking up all crabby and demanding boob every 2 hours…and it’s ALWAYS DURING A WONDER WEEK. It’s like learning new cognitive skills blows their em effing minds. Right now I can’t leave her sight…basically ever. And while I love being loved, it’s maybe a bit exhausting. Thank god I *can* stare at a computer screen for parts of my day, and pay someone else to care for her (although the working mom guilt, it is SO EFFING REAL).

    • I didn’t know they were called wonder weeks but that’s the perfect name. I think I conveniently forgot about them after my first turned one!

  7. I have no parenting advice/words of wisdom, but: “we all know that people who aren’t disciplined as children grow up to be assholes” – truer words… Kenzie and Codie will be some of the good ones. 🙂

  8. They really are super cute. I hate when it takes me days to realize you made a post 😦

    Maybe Kenzie would sleep better if she stopped napping? Put her to bed at 6:30 instead maybe? Just an idea. Probably a bad one.

    Bottles. Not one of my four would take a bottle.

    • Noooo, I need that nap time! Probably more than she does. We’ve talked about it…I know the day is coming but I’m not ready yet!

      What did you DO? Just go straight from boob to sippy cups?

      • I really sucked at the weaning process. I think that was an unintentional pun. ooops. Yes, to sippy cups. My oldest didn’t want anything but boob until he was about 11 months old. The others pretty much followed suit. It was draining.

  9. I dunno, people cry and puke at my job all the time and I have to watch my phone 24-7. The only difference is that I might have a lawsuit in my hands if someone sucked on my tits whereas you are required to do it.

    Womp womp

  10. i have a 1 month old now, and i am legit depressed about having to go back to work at 6 weeks (fuck being the breadwinner in the marriage) and my husband will shift to part time. i always thought i would be thrilled to go back to work, but now that my baby is here i can think of nothing worse than going back to the fiery hell that is my office. HOWEVER, reading shit like this makes me think i MIGHT be okay with it… eventually.. so thanks. but for now i am going to wallow in my depression and continue agonizing about missing my whole child’s life because i am stuck at work. dramatic, i know.

    • Not dramatic! If you weren’t going to miss him terribly, there’d be something wrong with you! I feel incredibly lucky to be able to stay home with them for a few years. (I can’t do it forever but we’re getting by for now.) Enjoy snuggling that cute baby boy. I love the name you chose, btw!

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