10 holiday dieting tips that really (probably) work

Editor’s note: While I was writing this, it occurred to me that I already had this idea for a blog post like three years ago and some of the items that I was going to put on here today were already there. So I had to come up with all new stupid ideas. You know you’ve been blogging too long when you have the same ideas twice. At least I’m consistent?

Yeah so, I keep seeing articles on the internet about holiday dieting tips so I thought it’d be fun to come up with a few of my own. Of course, when using dieting tips you found on a blog, your only risk is that you will look SMOKING HOT for the holidays and absolutely no other precautions are necessary.

1. I mean, speed. If you can’t get the street variety, try one of those cold medicines you have to show ID for at the pharmacy. And take a lot.

tussin

Do seizures also help you lose weight? They couldn’t hurt!

2. Laxatives and/or E. coli. The last time I had explosive diarrhea I lost like 5 pounds. Plus those fever sweats will give you a nice dewy glow.

diarrhea

3. The Paltrow. Your nutrition will be nothing but lemon water and your own smug self-righteousness. You can accelerate things by taking a shot of castor oil (source: GOOP). Beauty hurts.

smug gwen

4. The Papow-trow. It’s the Paltrow but with Red Bull.

5. Just cook really terrible food. The more it looks like your dog barfed onto your plate, the less you’ll want to eat it and pretty soon, it’s Skinnyville: population YOU.

o-GARBAGE-PLATE-facebook

What’s up, Rochester! 

 

6. Hire a personal trainer!

7. Get another job to afford your personal trainer!

jobby

8. Have a baby and breastfeed it forever. (Results may vary.)

9. Ebola roller derby.  So. fucking. many. calories.

NYAN EBOLA

10. Stop breathing.

Anything I’ve missed? How do you stay trim during the holidays?

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10 thoughts on “10 holiday dieting tips that really (probably) work

  1. I plan to have major surgery so that I’ll be on crutches for Christmas. I discovered last time that it’s pretty darn impossible to bring food from the kitchen when you can’t use your hands. Excellent diet trick.

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